Query Feedback

[Amy]

Hey all, I was hoping you could take a look at my query letter and tell me what you think.
Thanks in Advance!

Dear ###,

Foster siblings Cass and Jase are telepaths, a bonded pair. No matter where they go or what they do, they’re never truly alone. It makes them a target. They've always known that the Faceless hunt people like them, drag them away, never to be seen again. They thought they were prepared. They weren’t.

Kidnapped from his bed by the Faceless, Jase is thrown into a secret prison for the Gifted. It’s part work camp, part laboratory. It’s a slow death sentence. And that’s before his particular talents draw the attention of the chief scientist, Doctor Stirling. He doesn’t hesitate to offer his Gifts when he finds a group of prisoners staging an escape.

With the Faceless on her tail Cass flees to the Clan, a group of Gifted living in hiding. They’re good people, though mostly concerned with staying one step ahead of the Faceless. But just keeping herself safe isn’t enough, Jase is still alive. He’s still fighting back despite everything the Faceless have done to him. If he’s not giving up, neither is she.

Staging a prison break won’t be easy, after all the Faceless specialize in keeping the Gifted under control. Things only get more complicated when the chief scientist starts making a power play of her own, catching Cass in her web and throwing a massive wrench in their plans. It’s a good thing working together has always been their strong suit. Nothing and no one can keep them apart for long.

INSEPARABLE is an adult science fiction novel complete at 100k words. It has dual POV, alternating between Jase and Cass. Though it’s not the focus of the story, Cass is aro/ace, just like me #OwnVoices. I read on ### that you are looking for ### and this is applies to my novel ###. Below are #### per your query guidelines.

Thank you for your time and consideration, I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Amy

[Scott]

Hi Amy,
I think this is a strong start. Kidnapped and separated sets up some sympathy, but it would help if we know a bit more about them from the very start. Do they typically use their powers for good? Why should I like them?

"Foster siblings" makes me unsure that they are really related. If they are, make that more obvious. With no family, they only have one another-so when one is taken, you build sympathy, but also empathy. You want the reader to care about your MCs right away.

This may be just me, but the Faceless makes me raise an eyebrow. They need to be scary, not silly. Explaining what they are might help. But you must convey the fact that they are a serious threat.

It is also important to specify what is at stake and what the consequences of failure are. Jase with a death sentence and Cass needing to stage a prison break to save him are good indicators. But I'd argue that this is undermined by the villain "throwing a massive wrench into their plans." Massive is a weak descriptor. It tells me nothing and more importantly, even a massive wrench is still just a wrench. A minor obstacle. The conflict needs to be a big deal.

Same with "working together is their strong suit" and "nothing can keep them apart." If that's the case, I don't need to read your story. The villain is so minor, she can't come between these two characters. There is nothing at stake.

Lastly, consider cutting this down a little. Make every word count. For example, after "staging a prison break," the words "after all" are not needed and don't add to the voice. Just start a new sentence, "The Faceless..." Cutting weak words and phrases will make the blurb more concise and flow better.

Hope this helps. Best of luck with it.
-Cheers!

[Alex]

I agree with Scott that this is a strong start, but some clarifications would make it stronger. Why were the siblings put into foster care? Did their parents die? As the story starts are they in a foster home? How old are Cass & Jase? Can they communicate telepathically with everyone? "Bonded" in what sense? Are they faceless people in the sense of balloon heads? I'm not sure why their always being alone makes them a target. Does it simply label them as "gifted people?" That's enough questions for now.

[Dana]

I feel like generally speaking, there's enough intrigue, but the groups at play here lack context and therefore leans towards questioning/confusion than it does thrill. Also, it seems that the query continues to add one-too-many elements in the synopsis when even the ones you began with don't have a sure enough foundation.

Who exactly are the Faceless? It sounds like a supernatural entity/demon, but the way they're described sounds more physical.

Who are the Gifted? If Cass and Jase are Gifted and because they are telepaths, then that should be said right at the beginning,

The second paragraph changes focus too many times I don't know what the main takeaway is. From a slow death sentence, to Doctor Stirling to the prisoners staging an escape seems much. I don't think revealing the breakout is a good idea here because you're offering a solution as soon as you've identified the problem. Also sounds redundant that Jase is planning an escape WHILE Cass is planning a rescue.

Finally, you want to remove phrases like "won't be easy" or "things get more complicated". It sounds like you're trying to convince the reader of the difficulty in the plot. Let the plot do that.