feedback on query letter -updated

[G Allen]

Might I suggest:

"Including having them followed, cornered, and kidnapped."

I was particularly caught by the line, "...drowned in the bottle of a vodka bottle."

I suggest a different verb other than "thrust." Like pulled, yanked, jerked, caught, trapped, etc... Unless Harper has been eager for the opportunity to begin her life of criminal aiding and abetting.

Also, I do not know if you know this, I learned this when interviewing a mob assassin in the early 2000s for an article. Pigs will eat the whole corpse - except - the head, they cannot get their mouths around it. They will chew up all the flesh and bones, but the skull is just too big. Perhaps you know this and I've surmised the twist that allows them to be caught in the end, but the mob hit man told me in order to get the pigs to eat the skull and its contents, the head must be crushed first. Why do I know this? What a weird life of historical article writing. Glad I left academia.

[Jessica]

Hi Jenelle,

I love your blurb. The first sentence is SO CATCHY and a lot of the summary moves really well and holds my attention. If I was you, I would rearrange a few sentences for flow and to get a bit more texture across. I would also take the end paragraph out. Sometimes, blurbs are more intriguing if you stop short the last few escalations (in my opinion and my querying experience, at least). That last sentence also veered a bit towards melodrama IMO, and if you do leave it I might pick either "deep within themselves" or "strength" as two such dramatic phrases can be a lot. Here's how I would alter:

Sisters Marina and Harper learned to lie together. They also learned how to steal and survive together after whatever pretense of a mother they had drowned at the bottom of a vodka bottle.

When a night of partying for Marina leads to murder, Harper knows they must cover it up. With the assistance of some hungry pigs and the assortment of sketchy skills the sisters gained from their flawed past, they hide the evidence, ready to band together more than ever to prevent the truth from coming out.

But the father of the deceased tests the limits of the sister's relationship when he sets out with his money, influence and power to seek answers via whatever means necessary.

Blurbs are strange in that sometimes agents and editors seem to really appreciate short and punchy, but you want to get across the heart of the story and characters. Is Harper older? I agree with G about "thrust" so I tried to think of something else that would tell the reader more. If Harper is older, I think the way I have it shows that she's the one taking care of Marina. If that's the wrong though I'm sure there are plenty of better options.

Best of luck with querying! I think your story sounds awesome :)

Jess

[Scott]

Hi Jenelle,
I think this is intriguing. My main issue is why I should care about these girls. "Surviving" despite their uncaring mother earns some sympathy points, but I'm not sure that justifies murder. If the reader doesn't care about the protagonists, they won't be drawn into their story. Just my opinion. Good luck!

[Jenelle]

Hey guys. I'm looking for feedback on my query letter. I've left out all the housekeeping stuff. All comments
welcome. Thanks.

Dear Agent,

Sisters Marina and Harper learned to tell lies together. To steal together. To survive together, after whatever pretense of a mother they had, has now drowned at the bottom of a vodka bottle.

When Marina’s night of partying sets off a devastating chain of events that ends in murder, she pulls Harper into helping cover it up. With the assistance of some hungry pigs and the assortment of sketchy skills the sisters gained from their flawed past, they hide the evidence. Now they need to band together more than ever to prevent the truth from coming out.

But the father of the deceased tests the limits of the sister's bond when he uses his money, influence and power to seek answers by whatever means necessary. Including having them followed, cornering, and ultimately kidnapping them. He straps Harper to a chair with the looming threat of electro-stimulation torture to find out the validity of what happened to his son. Marina confesses, but he doesn't believe a woman could be responsible. With the hope of escape falling in a neat pile at their feet, the sisters have to decide what they are willing to endure for one another and dig deep within themselves in order to survive.