Struggling Writers discussion
Your Writing (J-R)
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Brett's Writing
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Ok, first: Paragraphs.Paragraphs are your friends. They help the readers by giving them time to breathe. Also, make a special paragraph when someone speaks. In dialogues, each person gets their own. It helps the readers follow the conversation with more ease.
Second: the over use of certain words. You use 'then' in many of your sentences. Especially in such a short story, we all can deduct you're telling it in chronological order. The use of then is unnecessary. It weighs down your writing. I also noticed that towards the end you start a whole lot of sentences with 'when'. unless you're doing it for a special effect, try to vary the way you build your sentences.
So for the writing, I'd say it's not bad...for a first draft. It needs a few rounds of edits to polish it off.
Now for the story. I like how you go into Michael's head. How you start with a seemingly normal and harmless day and how at the end the readers realize Michael went to work with the intent to kill. "Today was the day".
No need to add I don't like Michael, but no one ever said the protagonist had to be likeable in short stories. They need to bring emotions and with all the killings in school, shopping malls, work place etc. in real life, one might say he's a star of a hot topic for sure.
I forgot to say that I would call your story 'Today is the day' rather than 'The bag'.Sure, the bag is important, but I feel the other title has more punch.
Today is the day" Michael told himself while starring into the mirror. He then finished his morning routine of shaving and making sure he looked good. Afterwards he made his usual morning breakfast of eggs, oatmeal, toast, and orange juice. As he finished his breakfast he checked the time. It was already time for him to leave for work. He put his dishes in the sink. Then headed for the door and as he was about to go out the door he remembered his bag. "I can't forget this" he said aloud. He grabbed the bag and headed out the door. He whistled a happy tune as he walked to his old broke down car. When he got into his car he threw his bag in the back seat. Then he fixed his mirror but before he took his hand off the mirror he said aloud again "today is the day". Then he started his car and headed for his work. As he drove down the road he started to fiddle with the radio stations. He changed the station again and again and finally settled for some pop music station. He then started to sing along with whatever song was on. Before he knew it he was already pulling into his job parking lot. He parked in his usual spot. As he got out of his car his coworkers were already waving and greeting him for the day. He responds back with his chipper smile and wave before closing his door and heading into the building. As soon as he got in the building. One of his coworkers handed him some papers and said "Michael my man can you get this done for me before lunch". Michael then responded "sure Doug I can do that when i'm done i'll give it to the boss". "NO Michael when your done bring it back to me" Doug said. "OK" Michael said then Doug patted him on the back and said "good" as he walked away. As Doug walked away Michael felt weird about that. Then he made his way to the back of the office to his little dark cubical. He then sat down and looked at the daunting stack of papers on his desk. So he put a smile on his face and began to work on the stack of papers. Somehow he manage to finish all the papers before lunch. Doug made sure he picked up his work to turn into there boss. Michael then went to the bathroom where he starred into the mirror again and said "Today is the day". The rest of the day flew by for him. When there was about five minutes left of work he opened his bag to get something out. Then he got up and headed for the front door. When he got there he used what he got out of the bag to lock the door. Then made his way back to the desk. When he got there he took one more thing out of the bag. The rest of the employees were heading for the door. When they got there they were confused at why the door was chained up. Michael then made his way back to the front. When he got there his coworkers did not see or hear him coming. That was until they heard the first shot from his shotgun. It hit Doug first he fell against the glass doors. The other people started to scream but they had no where to run. Michael then opened fire and fired shot after shot. When he was out of bullets there was no one left standing. There was a few left alive but were bleeding out and crying for help. Michael then pulled a chair up and reached into his pocket and pulled out one final bullet. He then loaded it into his gun. Then pointed the gun at his chest and said "Today was the day" then pulled the trigger.