Great Middle Grade Reads discussion
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Hi Justine,...his belly groaned from within?
Where else would his belly groan from?
I think it may read better if it was simply, 'his stomach groaned.'
Looks good to me. I'd read on from there
I think kids may need some better context for what it's like sitting in a pig enclosure. I like your description of the scent of food--very evocative--but I think it comes too early. What's it like sitting in a pig enclosure? Wet? Muddy? Cold? Smelly? Alternatively, perhaps to Kai, the enclosure offers a measure of comfort. Either way, a pig enclosure offers plenty of material for sensory details for you to capitalize on. And if you do, the appeal of the food and the comforts of home that it evokes will stand in better contrast.Also, I think we need more clues about what he's upset over. Family? School? The pig itself? It's too early for much, but you could give the readers some direction in just a few words.
My feeling is that you should use your first 100 words to establish these things more firmly. Launch into the scent of food and his questions about why no one is coming to coax him out afterwards.
Julia, thank you so much for your feedback. You are spot-on. It's very illuminating and shows how close I got to my work and how I needed to take a step back. I will be rewriting it to incorporate the points you made.
Justine, your first 100 words sounds like it's happening in East Asia. Garlic and soya sauce...yum. (It's time to eat for me!)I like this topic. I will be the brave person who goes next. I just "finished" revising my manuscript again, and here's (about) the first 100 words:
***
It was after an ordinary language arts lesson when Ava first noticed Mrs. Beaufort had become an octopus.
Well, Mrs. Beaufort hadn’t exactly become an octopus – not a full-fledged one anyway. There was no change whatsoever from the neck down. There remained the jolly plump body clothed in a brightly-colored red blouse and skirt. The string of perfectly round glistening fake pearls still dangled around her shoulders. Her body was still supported by two sturdy legs that eked up out of black pumps. But her face – once generously round and with a touch of bright red lipstick that perfectly matched her dress – had collapsed into a faceless, throbbing gob of cream-colored light-orange and pink flesh.
***
Like Justine said, any/all feedback is appreciated!
My first impression is that there needs to be more reaction from Ava, whether intrigue, disbelief or shock etc. Another comment would be less use of adjectives per noun, eg perfectly round glistening fake pearls feels clunky. It's the first time I've met Mrs Beaufort, so I am not interested in how she looks; that can come later. Right now, I'm more interested in Ava's reaction. Your introduction reminds me of the opening chapter from Gone by Michael Grant. That book grabbed me right from the start. Maybe you can take a look at that and get some ideas?
Great feedback, Justine, thanks. I do have Ava's reaction but it comes later on, a paragraph or two away. And yes, a clunky phrase indeed. Compared to what you mentioned, Michael Grant's Gone, he accomplishes a lot more in his first 100. Here it is:
***
Gone
One minute the teacher was talking about the Civil War. And the next minute he was gone.
There.
Gone.
No "poof." No flash of light. No explosion.
Sam Temple was sitting in third-period history class staring blankly at the blackboard, but far away in his head. In his head he was down at the beach, he and Quinn. Down at the beach with their boards, yelling, bracing for that first plunge into cold Pacific water.
For a moment he thought he had imagined it, the teacher disappearing. For a moment he thought he'd slipped into a daydream.
Sam turned to Mary Terrafino, who sat to his left. "You saw that, right?"
***
We already know something awful has happened to the teacher, Sam's reaction, that Sam is friends with Quinn, that Sam is a surfer, and that he resides in an oceanside community.
It's quite good!
To my own credit, Mrs. Beaufort is a character that lasts through the whole book and plays a major role throughout. With Grant's, thought I haven't read it, I'm guessing from the concept that it's unimportant who the teacher was/is. But I don't think that necessarily negates what you've said.
Thanks again for your feedback!
This is enjoyable, I hope more authors post their WIP first 100.
What the heck, I'll give this a try. This is from my WIP, a middle grade fantasy about trolls called
Reach for the Sky
:Danger.
Bernie sniffed the air. Something smelled different, wrong. He didn't know what it was, and bent over to get closer to the ground, though he didn't have far to go. He sniffed again, then stuck out his thick, stubby tongue and licked the path.
It tasted like trouble. And a beetle. Bernie spat out the twigs and leaves, but munched on the beetle, enjoying its crunchy flavor.
After a moment, he scratched his neck, wondering what he had forgotten. He checked his feet to see if he had stepped on anything. When he looked down, he saw the patch missing its leaves and twigs and leaned over to sniff it. Then he remembered.
As for the previous entries:Justine, I liked the way you started with the pig enclosure and and then skipped on to the smell of food. It made me wonder why he was there, who "they" were and why they kept him in the pig enclosure. Seemed like a good way of pulling the reader in.
Wal, okay, so that threw me. Something pretty radical is happening if the teacher is turning into an octopus. Does anybody else see it? Is it her imagination (though she seems to indicate it is not) or something truly weird? I also wondered how it was only after the lesson that she noticed. Seems like a pretty big transformation.
Ben,Here’s my take on yours. I’m a bit of a beginner at this, so take it for what it’s worth :-)
I like the first word, caught my attention.
In the first paragraph, I would have found the part about not having to bend far to get close to the ground intriguing, but since I know it’s about trolls then I already had that picture in my mind. Still worked well, I thought.
Licking the path, and eating the beetle – I really liked that part. I found it unexpected and weird. My cup of tea. I’m not one who reads high fantasy, so I don’t know if this is normal troll behavior or not (or whether it is in most worlds or just yours or maybe just Bernie) but I thought it helped me to know the nature of either Bernie or the trolls in general.
The last paragraph I struggled more with. I’m not sure if Bernie is forgetful or not. If he is, I guess this is showing his nature. If he’s not and he just happened to forget, I feel it’s not my favorite because the first ~100 words just took me in a circle.
Wish you success with this!
Thanks! Yes, he is forgetful, and it is a part of his character which I develop and use as the story goes along. Still not sure if it belongs this early or not, as it does take away a bit from the danger.Anyway, thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated.
(As for trolls, I don't think licking paths or eating beetles is anything "normal" for trolls, exactly, but it seemed appealing for a middle grade character.)
I'll tell ya, unexpected things (like licking pathways and eating beetles but spitting out the twigs) appeals to me! Revision is hard. I'm not sure when I'm done. Maybe writers are never done revising, but at some point we just have to stop.
OK, I've put my 1st WIP "Ava and the Animal" on hold to get some distance from it before doing (yet another) revision. Here's the first 100 from my WIP 2 which is about 40 to 50 percent done with the first draft. Again, feedback appreciated.
***
The day I became a superhero was also the day my name changed to Ionious Danglefart. No kidding. One minute I was Isaac Jenson and the next minute I was Ionious Danglefart. And if you think I have it bad, I should tell you about my best friend. He used to be Steven Crow. But now, in his superhero form, he's known as Sisyphus Smackbottom. To be honest, I’ll take Danglefart over Smackbottom any day. But don’t tell him I said so.
I suppose you’re wondering how the two of us got to become superheroes in the first place.
Interesting choices in that one, Wal. If you are planting the flag firmly for the post-Captain Underpants superhero humor crowd, this nails it. Campy humor is a very specific thing, so if that is the point of the book, this will work. If you want to shift gears and go any more semi-serious, this start will attract the wrong people who will abandon it if it doesn't stay silly enough. Since I don't know the aim, it is hard to tell.
Mod
I'd use fewer words, though. "If you think that's bad, let me tell you about my best friend, Steven Crow. Now that he's a superhero, he's known as ..." Something like that.
Good suggestions, Rebecca and Ben!I have some things to consider now, so thanks for your suggestions. It's not primarily a "gross-dependent" comedy, it's actually a darkly funny (with some potty humor) work about sociopaths. So I'm not sure the opening works. I will plug away at the first draft and consider! Thanks again.
Alrighty, who's next? :-)
Some great suggestions. I'll appreciate some comments on the first hundred words of my m.g. title "Put-It-Off-" :I lift a long string of cheese from the stuff I'm stirring in the pot.
"Whoops!" it snaps like a rubber band. Is this gonna work? i figured I'd cook the sausage and tomato sauce and onions and cheese all together..then when Mom gets home from her job at the library, I just pour this over pasta - ta da! - spaghetti!
Sorry. That's supposed to be "Put-It-Off-Paul!"
Leone,Interesting start. I have a couple copy editing suggestions.
First off, the “Whoops!” doesn’t need to be in quotation marks because this is in first person. Unless the narrator said this out loud, then I guess you could keep it in quotes. If leaving it in quotes you might consider making it have its own paragraph or something. The “I” in “it snaps like a rubber band” needs capitalized as does the “I” in “I figured.” And during “all together..then” there should be three dots to form an ellipsis.
I also found your last little bit “I just pour this over pasta - ta da! - spaghetti!” difficult to read. You might consider breaking this up into fragmented sentences, which would be grammatically acceptable due to the voice of the narrator. For example, you might try:
I’ll just pour this over pasta. Ta da! Spaghetti.
I admire your writing this in the present tense. It’s something that’s difficult for me to do. I most enjoyed in your piece the voice of the narrator character. Good luck!
Thanks, Wal. Writing in first person present tense is fun for me, since I have three sons, and I think I can recall how they sounded and presumably how they thought in various situations, at the age of the narrator. I don't want it difficult to read, however, so I appreciate your suggestions regarding the sentence structures. And best of luck with your "super-hero" story. I wonder where you're going with it.
From Rebecca and the Strangest Garden on Earth
:Hello! My name’s Emma. I’m aged … Well, let’s just say I’m about to go to the bigger school! (Sorry, I was told a lady never reveals her age). OK, you’ve twisted my arm: I’m nearly into my early teens. (Happy, now?)
Well, there I was, sat peacefully in Miss Randolph’s English class. We had just finished boring ol’ Mr Mune and awful mathematics. I really cannot see the sense of it in our day and age!
Anyhow, dear Miss Randolph was twittering on and on, as usual. I quite like her, actually.
I think I'd like to know more about Emma, so I'd keep reading.Second paragraph, "sat peacefully" - should this be "sitting peacefully"
I'm curious about the tie-in between Emma and the title of the book!
In my opinion, the best thing about this first 100 is the conversational voice of the narrator character (I'm also, like Leone, curious about how it fits with the title) and the worst thing is the lack of "something" happening. I wonder if something's about to happen in Miss Randolph's class, and if there is something going to happen, maybe start with that. The conversational voice style can be worked in as the story unfolds. Just my two cents! As with Leone, I'm curious enough about the narrator to continue reading.
I agree with Wal about the lack of something happening. I think there needs to be a hint of conflict. "Well, there I was, sitting peacefully in Miss Randolph’s English class." is the perfect place for it. Moaning about boring math after this sentence interrupted the flow as you went straight back to Miss Randolph after that.Another impression I got is that your MC sounds older than a pre-teen, more like a proper teen, completely self-conscious and trying to sound older than her age.
Thank you all for the comments and feedback! I will pass this along to the author, Imogen Daley, and please accept mt gratitude on her behalf!Thanks again!
Justine wrote: "I have attended a couple of children writers' conferences where a session was dedicated to an expert panels' critique of the first 100 words of any conference delegate's work. As the GMGR is such a..."I agree with the suggestion to change "stomach groaned from within" and also with Julia's suggestion about setting details.
The pig made me think about Charlotte's Web, which always makes me smile. The garlic and soy sauce made MY stomach groan from within. ;)
Wal wrote: "Great feedback, Justine, thanks. I do have Ava's reaction but it comes later on, a paragraph or two away. And yes, a clunky phrase indeed. Compared to what you mentioned, Michael Grant's Gone,..."
Yes, you could weed out a few adjectives, but that's a killer first line, and your whole section made me grin.
Since I don't know this teacher, and since I assume Ava is your mc, I would very soon like a hint as to whether Ava feels pity or glee or etc. over this unusual sight. I tried to guess by your word choices, and the words jolly, perfectly round, and the matching lipstick make me suspect Ava likes her at least a little.
Ben wrote: "What the heck, I'll give this a try. This is from my WIP, a middle grade fantasy about trolls called Reach for the Sky
:
Danger.
Bernie sniffed the air. Something smelled different, wrong. H..."
First of all, love the humor. It smelled like trouble. And beetles.
:D
I think you could cut this: He didn't know what it was... because it's obvious, and it slows the pace for me.
By the last paragraph, we've strayed quite far from the danger, so I'm wondering what's going to happen next.
Leone wrote: "Some great suggestions. I'll appreciate some comments on the first hundred words of my m.g. title "Put-It-Off-" :I lift a long string of cheese from the stuff I'm stirring in the pot.
"Whoop..."
With such a short section, it's hard to get a feel for this one. Here are two nitpicky suggestions: replace the rather generic words lift and stuff with something more vivid.
Love snaps like a rubber band and the lackadaisical approach to cooking. I would read further.
Great Middle Grade Reads
Books mentioned in this topic
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Does it pull you in, would you read on? Or is the pacing too slow or too confusing? etc etc.
To get the ball rolling, here's the first 100 words of my manuscript.
***********
Kai sat in the pig enclosure, planning his protest. The new piglet stayed in its box. Just as well. It wasn’t pink between its black head and bottom. Just black all over. Like what he was feeling right now.
From above, the smell of fried garlic in soya sauce drifted over to the fence. Without warning, his belly groaned from within. Kai glanced up at their hut. Why haven’t Mei or Lee come to coax him yet? He has been here for ages. They did not usually take this long. He waited. The sweet aroma teased his tongue. Kai sucked the air until his lungs could not take any more.
************
Any critique, long or short, will be gratefully received!