feedback on query letter-Revised-

[Jenelle]

I'd love some feedback on my query letter. All comments are welcome. I'd be happy to return the favor if anyone wants to swap as well. Thanks.

Dear___,

Seventeen-year-old Shayleen Cooper spends her nights competing in underground fight rings. She needs the prize money to pay off the overdue bills left by her mother, who’s barricaded behind padded walls and syringe-wielding doctors.

As Shayleen unravels a lifetime of lies, she discovers a deranged scientist experimented on her as an infant, which grants her enhanced abilities.

Now she’s hunted by a vicious man known as The Boss, and she’s who he’s been searching for. She’s his secret weapon in his heinous plan to enslave half the human population to be his personal servants, and transform the rest into hordes of grotesque, flesh-eating werewolves.

The Boss coerces her into captivity by pressing a knife to her best friend’s throat. Shayleen’s forced to trade herself to save her friend—giving up her freedom, her life, her power.

Ensnared in chains, her ability builds within her aching to burst out in bright furious flames. But the startling truth of what she’ll become looms upon her, as people who get too close end up dead or forever altered.

The horde inches closer, threatening humanity, including her friends and her newfound family. Shayleen must confront the darkness that dwells inside her so she can face who she was, who she is, and who she is meant to be.

All the housekeeping stuff, bio, thanks for your time etc etc

[Robin]

Hi Jenelle,

I think this is actually a detailed synopsis. Jane Friedman wrote a great article on query letters that might be helpful:

https://www.janefriedman.com/query-le...

And here are some great examples from specific authors:

https://www.queryletter.com/post/161-...

Warmly,
Robin

[Jenelle]

thanks so much

[CaEdTique]

Thank you so much for sharing!!!

[Alex]

I like the first paragraph, but it has the tone of a realistic story, while the rest of the query gets more and more fantastic. That aside, you need a better transition to the second paragraph. What triggers her digging into her past? I think you're using too many highly dramatic words: deranged, heinous, vicious, aching, furious, etc. In general, I'd tone down the query.