YA High Fantasy Pitch For Contest

[Mayah]

Hello there. I am here to get feedback on my YA high fantasy pitch for a pitching contest this Saturday. The contest is called #CoachHunt and if I get chosen I will get mentoring for my book. I want this to be as polished as possible and I want to get some great feedback for how I can make this better.

Here's the pitch.

Emily, Chance, and Aspen are three teens living in a world that seems to have rumors of a new cult rising and a new war starting. But when a mysterious invitation to the most prestigious heist competition lures them in an unknown world of combat and crime, they have to choose between losing their morality to become the Dark Conqueror or risking their lives resisting.

Thank you.

- Mayah

[Scott]

Hello Mayah,
There are rumors or there are not. "Seems to have rumors" is vague. E, C, and A are three teens who hear rumors of a new cult.

The second sentence is a run-on. Too long. Too much detail. Try breaking it up. Cut "but when." Lures them INTO, not in. End it with a period after 'crime.'

Then a new sentence. "They must..." But this part is clunky as well. We don't know what the Dark Conqueror is, so consider cutting it. "...abandon their morality, or risk their lives to save it."

Just my opinion. Hope it helps. Good luck.