Query feedback for adult fantasy.

[Ira]

Hey everyone! I would appreciate any feedback you might have on my query letter. I keep finding conflicting advice online. Some say make it interesting, some say stick to the facts so I hope I nailed it somewhere in the middle.

[Personalized greeting. ]
The Daughters of Vanaheimr is a sweeping, action packed, 108,000 words, adult fantasy. It is currently plotted as a trilogy. Steeped in Norse mythology and lore, it would appeal to fans of Sarah J. Maas’ A Court of Thorns and Roses series and History’s ‘Vikings’.

The tale begins in the Sorcery Realm of Vanaheimr, home of the Vanir, ancient guardians of sorcery and knowledge. It follows Helena, the second born daughter and reluctant heir to the throne.

Helena never had a reason to doubt the history she’s been taught or question the lore infusing her bones, but as she soon finds out, it is the victor who scribes the pages of history, and her idyllic home is built on cruelty and blood.

As she learns about the sinister deal struck between her ancestors and the High King of Alfheimr, she is plunged into the dark desperation of the Elven people and their plight to liberate their realm from the oppression and slavery inflicted on them, by whatever means necessary.

In a desperate attempt to right the wrongs and learn the truth of her bloodline and sorcery, she descends into Niflheimr to find and reweave the Tapestry of Fates, jealously guarded by the Nornir, with the help of the unlikeliest allies.

Can Helena challenge the Fates themselves in pursuit of redemption for the Vanir and salvation for the Elven people? Can she rewrite history and untangle the dark strands of time before all is truly lost?

[1-2 sentences of introduction]
Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Jessica]

Hi Ira, 

Finding the right balance for a query letter can be super tricky. I think you're right that it's about finding the balance between interesting and clear. It sounds like you have a really interesting story! But, I'm not sure the query letter is working very well. IMO, it's a bit wordy, comes off a little melodramatic, and it's not very clear how things fit together. Here's a quick example of how I might re-write:

Helena never doubted the history she'd been taught about her home Vanaheimr. As the reluctant heir to Vanaheimr's throne, set to rule over the realm of sorcery and knowledge, she assumed she was told all there was to know about her people. But when Helena [I might quickly say how she learns this], she learns of a sinister deal stuck between her ancestors and the High Kind of Alfheimr, it becomes clear that Vanaheimr is built not on wisdom, but with blood.

In a desperate attempt to right her ancestors wrongs and learn the truth about her powers, Helena plunges into the oppressed Elven world to understand their plight and how she might liberate their realm. What she learns with the Elves pushes her to descend into dangerous Niflheimr where the Nornir jealousy guard the Tapestry of Fates. Together with a band of unlikely allies, Helena must challenge the Fates themselves, untangle the dark threads of time, and reweave the tapestry to save both Vanaheimr and the Elven people. The last victors scribed the pages of history with lies, but Helena is determined to rewrite the story before it's too late. 

-"The tale begins" is probably too much telling. In general, I thought the opening was a bit dry and slow. Starting with right away telling us what's happening with your main character might draw agents in better. 

-"Infusing her bones" sounds a little melodramatic. Might very well just be personal preference, but since it didn't feel like it told me anything new, I took it out (melodrama that doesn't tell the reader anything new is a big red flag for a lot of agents, I think). I took out some other phrases like this that didn't go anywhere, like "by whatever means necessary." I think taking these out helps with both wordiness and focus, as they can be crutches. 

-I tried to weave the Elven stuff in with the part with the tapestry, because in your original they felt disconnected and it interrupted the flow. In general, I rearranged things for the sake of flow (based on best guesses of the flow of your actual story. I'm sure I'm wrong, but it's just an example). 

-I tried to give the ending a dramatic punch that tied back to the beginning of the blurb. 

I hope some of this helps! If your blurb is representative of your writing style, you might want to do another pass over the story for the wordiness and "melodrama," too, especially in the opening pages (If you agree that is something that might turn agents off. Again, could be very subjective). Good luck!

Jess

[Ira]

Thank you, Jessica! You've raised some really good points! I see what you mean about it being unnecessarily dramatic. I dont know why I fall into a 90s car sale commercial pitch whenever I try to write the query letter...

[Jenelle]

Hi Ira. A few things I noticed was I don't think you want the s after your word count. '108,000 word, adult fantasy'

I would shorten and tighten this first sentence up:
'In the Sorcery Realm of Vanaheimr, Helena, the second born daughter and reluctant heir to the throne is set to rule over the realm of sorcery and knowledge.
I have more comments, did you want to dm with your email and ill send you my email and then can better comment?

[Ira]

Hi Jenelle! I'd love to chat more and would appreciate any and all feedback. I wasnt able to dm you due to your privacy settings I think but I added you as a friend. If you want to dm me with your email, we might be able to get the ball rolling that way. Thanks!

[Jenelle]

I messaged you.