Question re pov - help needed please

[Jenni]

Hi
I'm not sure if I should write this from Jem's pov and add in his thoughts and feelings or whether this simpler form is best for MG -
1
The Waterfall

Ray sped forward, attempted a wheelie, and fell onto the soft forest floor. He looked up at Jem and laughed.
‘Twit.’ Jem said as he reached down to stop the spinning back wheel.
‘Aunt Ortie said to “go do boy’s stuff,” so I am.’ Ray jumped back onto the bike and raced away.
‘Bet she didn’t mean for you to wreck the bike on your first ride,’ Jem shouted, but the silent trees and huge rocks which grew from the moss-covered ground swallowed the sound. He shook his head, pushed hard on the pedals, and caught up with his younger brother.
‘What did you say?’ Ray slowed his pace to bump over some tree roots.
‘Don’t wreck your bike on the first day.’ Jem tapped his handlebars. ‘D’you reckon Great Aunt Ortie bought these bikes especially for us?’
‘I don’t know, she’s not what I expected. From Mum’s description, I thought she’d be old and grey. Not dark haired and wearing cut-off jeans and a t-shirt.’ Ray smiled. ‘And you’d better not let her hear you call her Great Aunt. She said we’re to call her Ortie.‘ He laughed. ‘I loved her story about finding out she’d chosen stinging nettles as her name.’
‘She doesn’t seem to care.’ Jem said as he swerved to avoid a hole. ‘Did you think it strange how she didn’t let us go in the house.’
‘Mum probably told her to keep us outside, away from computers and games.’
‘True… Wait up. I think we go left here.’ Jem stopped and pulled the map from the backpack Ortie had given to him and frowned. ‘It looks like we have to go across a railway.’
‘Cool, adventure time.’
‘It might not be safe.’ Jem refolded the map and put it away.
‘We won’t find out by staying here. Last one to the railway is the loser.’
They cycled faster as the path sloped down, and Jem laughed when Ray skidded around a tree and splashed into a deep puddle, almost falling again.
‘It’s a tunnel,’ Ray shouted, and he cycled to the narrow entrance. ‘We’re going under the railway.’ His words echoed, and he whooped before racing through the dark to the sunshine at the other end.
Jem followed close behind.
The track on the other side led them to a gravelled car park, where a wooden arrow marked with the word “Cascade” pointed to a narrow pathway between rocks and a steep forested slope.
‘Must be the place.’ Ray said. ‘Ortie said cascade was the French for waterfall. I can’t hear it though.’ Ray cycled across the road.
‘Wait for me.’ Jem said.
They pushed their bikes down the path which changed from a forest floor path to wide uneven stone steps until they reached a wooden bench on a square platform.
‘Now I can hear it,’ Ray said, his eyes shining with excitement. ‘It must be huge.’ He propped his bike against the fence and leant over. ‘But I can’t see it for all the trees. I thought this was a viewing platform.’
‘It might have been, once.’ Jem shrugged. ‘We can’t take the bikes any further. Have you seen how steep the steps are from here?’
‘We’ll tie them to the fence. It’s not like there’s loads of people.’ Ray pulled off the backpack Ortie had handed him and rummaged through. ‘Towel, spare t-shirt, an apple and a bottle of water. Nothing to tie up the bikes. What’s in yours?’
Jem frowned. ‘The same, and the map.’
‘It must be okay to leave them here, then.’ Ray shrugged his backpack over his shoulder and started down the path. Jem leant his bike against Ray’s and followed.
‘I think these steps were made for a giant,’ Jem said as he jumped over a wooden board, which had probably formed the edge of a step years ago.
‘I like it,’ Ray said. ‘It’s better fun than the metal and concrete steps you get in England. It’s kind of wild and rough.’
‘Yeah. This would be roped off as unsafe at home.’ Jem grasped a sapling and used it as a handrail.
‘We must be nearly there,’ Ray said. ‘The roar is louder.’ He stepped around a large rock and froze.
‘What is it?’ Jem looked over Ray’s shoulder.
‘Wow.’
Water rushed over a high cliff at the end of the narrow valley, pounding into a deep pool, and pushing its way towards them through a jumble of smooth rocks, some as large as a car. The river calmed as it spread across a wide flat shelf near the bottom of the steps, before tumbling and churning past them as tree-lined banks narrowed its passage.
‘Yes,’ Ray punched the air before clambering closer and dumping his bag on a flat rock. He leapt over slippery stones and splashed in the icy water of the miniature rapids.
Jem scrambled over to an overhanging rock. Water slipped down green fingers of moss in the cave-like space beneath. He stumbled, falling against the wall. A flash of light blinded him and the ground trembled. He blinked his eyes, trying to restore his vision, but the pattern remained, both on the inside of his eyelids and on the wall.
‘Ray,’ he shouted. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine. Why?’ Ray waded towards him.
‘Was it lightening?’ Jem asked, stepping away from the overhang.
‘What?’
‘The flash and tremor.’ Jem shaded his eyes and looked up at the slice of blue sky above.
‘What flash?’ Ray asked. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ Jem mumbled and turned back to the wall. The marks were still there. He frowned.
Ray stepped closer. ‘What are you looking at?’
Jem pointed.
Ray shrugged. 'You called me over to look at some lines and marks on a rock?’
'They weren't there two minutes ago.'
'What?' Ray stared at the marks.
'I slipped and touched the wall. There was a flash of light and the ground shook. Are you sure you didn’t see or feel anything?’ Jem asked.
‘No, nothing.’ Ray touched the rock. His tanned skin paled until his fair hair looked dark in comparison, and his blue eyes stared into the distance.
‘Ray.’ Jem grabbed Ray’s shoulders and shook him. 'Ray?'
Ray pulled his hands from the wall and tucked them under his armpits. 'That was weird, and cold. I smelt something too. Like snakes.’ He grimaced and sniffed his hand. ‘I stink.’
Jem narrowed his eyes. 'I can’t smell anything. You’re messing with me.’
‘No. I wish I was, but I'm not.’ Ray shivered. ‘I'm getting out of here.'
Jem followed. ‘Did they look like hieroglyphs to you?’
‘I don’t know.’ Ray stretched his arms out in the sunshine. ‘Could we have jet lag or something?’
Jem shook his head. ‘No chance. We were only flying for an hour and a quarter.’
‘I’m going over there.’ Ray pointed to a huge rock next to the waterfall. ‘To wash my hands.’
Jem looked at the water swirling past their feet. ‘But…’
Ray turned away. ‘You can stay here and worry about flashes of light, strange marks, and snakes, but I’m going to have some fun.’ He jumped onto a rock and climbed towards the waterfall.
‘Standing under freezing water is fun?’ Jem shouted.
‘Yes,’ Ray shouted back.
Jem sighed, glanced back at the markings, but turned and followed Ray.
Ray grinned at him when he caught up. ‘There's a gap behind the rock. We can squeeze through and walk on the ledge and go right under the waterfall.’
Jem shuddered.
‘Come on, wimp. We’re on holiday.’ Ray wriggled through the tight space. ‘Jem.’
Jem took a breath and squeezed through the gap, following Ray onto a slippery ledge. The rock vibrated and water droplets soaked their thin t-shirts and shorts.
Jem grimaced, grabbed Ray's shoulder and shouted, ‘You’re mad, but this is kind of fun.’ He pushed his dripping fringe out of his eyes.
Ray grabbed Jem’s arm and they stepped under the full force. They gasped, hardly able to see, as the water pummelled them.
Ray rubbed his hands together, sniffed them and grinned.
Jem closed his eyes, raised his hands above his head and felt the strength of the water clean him to the bone. He shivered with excitement, and the cold. He opened his eyes. Ray had gone.
‘Ray, where are you?’ He coughed as water filled his mouth, and with his heartbeat in competition with the thumping water he stepped further along the ledge.

Thank you for your time.
 

[S.P.]

The first full version of my book was in third person limited. I found this a natural fit for me and the story, but after going through rounds of submissions, one agent and one acquisition editor said to rewrite in first person. Since the reader sees everything through the protagonist's eyes they invest in them more. Also, you don't get bogged down in head-hopping. Best thing I ever did as it made me rethink the story and develop a stronger character. Took 6 months, but got 8 offered to publish after.

[Elaine]

Wow thats something to think about. Good luck with the book!!

[S.P.]

Thanks. Book 2 is set to release in February.

[Jemima]

Um, I don't generally like commenting on people's WIPs in public, but you asked...

Your question, should you rewrite it from Jem's pov... yes, it might help you see where the rest could be improved to do more showing than telling.

At present it's very heavy on speech tags and what I saw someone call 'stage directions'. That might have been on https://writershelpingwriters.net or one of several other writing tips websites I get emails from. I was surprised to see you had so many books out already, tbh, it reads like a less experienced writer's approach. Maybe it's a new style for you?
Good luck.