Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query letter feedback- YA fantasy
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Hi there! Your book sounds really interesting from your blurb! One thing I'd like to point out is the formatting. I'm sure this is probably from copy and pasting, but maybe put a line break between parts of your blurb to make it less of a massive block.
Another thing I would keep in mind is being careful of long run on sentences. Even though you uses dashes, some sentences go on a lot. Maybe consider making these sentences more concise or breaking them up into multiples.
Maybe even consider trying to add a shock/twist in the blurb, so maybe you mention the murder of her family later in the blurb, or shock the reader with the fact that her brother is missing or dead? This is personal opinion, but I think something like that would definitely make me pick up the book.
It seems super interesting. Don't be afraid to make the blurb read like a chapter of the book, rather than an explanation, if that makes sense.
Again, like I say, most of this is personal opinion. Feel free to disregard anything I say that you dislike. I hope my feedback helps you in some way ^^
Nicole-Mary wrote: "Hi there! Your book sounds really interesting from your blurb! One thing I'd like to point out is the formatting. I'm sure this is probably from copy and pasting, but maybe put a line break betwe..."
Hi Nicole, thank you so much!! This helps a lot :)
I'm usually not one to be worried about length, but I think this goes a little too long. There's a big difference between the 2-3 paragraph summary in your blurb and the longer synopsis. If you want to use this in your blurb, I shorten it to keep the plot simple and clear. Luckily, I think it's quite possible to shorten the word count without cutting any of the content. A lot of exposition drags the blurb down, which could be incorporated into the explanation. For example, it could start "Alika's parents were murdered in front of her by the elite, a secret society in chaotic Atlantis." This is not only much shorter, but gets the information by in a faster and clearer way, provoking much more interest. Doing this for the entire blurb will promise the reader an enticing read.
Hope this helps!
-Author56
Between Gilded Vines is a young adult fantasy novel based around the rivalry between science and divinity. Retelling the Greek Mythology story of Pandora’s box in a brink-of-dystopia Atlantis, BGV is completed at 75k words and contains mystery, action, science-fiction and unexpected romance, standing at the common point between Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and Victoria Aveyard’s Red Queen.
They say that between love and hate lies a fine line, but the one on which Atlantis stood was finer- at the edge of peace, the brink of war. Ever since Alika’s parents were murdered in front of her by a secret society called the Elite, she swore to avenge her family, and maybe even find her brother, Damiar, whom she hasn't seen in six years, when the Elite took him and left her to be raised by her grandmother.
In a world of greed, jealousy, and thirst for power, the Elite search for any and every Atlantean expressing godly ability, with the exception of demi-gods, those who are a direct child of a deity themselves. The society believes that the Atlanteans who have unlocked their godly DNA after so many generations are unworthy of such power, and therefore should be eliminated, and once a few sparks of lightning start flashing at Alika’s hands, she is granted a spot on their hit-list.
Lucky for her, a friend-or rather, an acquaintance- has agreed to help her train her magic, to keep it under control and out of the Elite's eye. Zyphon, a demigod, prepared lessons inspired by his own training -lessons that all demigods were required to go through- and that he is now passing on to Alika, a mudblood.
However, during one of their training lessons, they accidentally run into a meeting between a few figures in cloaks- members of the Elite- and what they see sticks with them- a map, a bottle, and a gilded box. A box exactly like the one Zeus had given Pandora. A box of evils. The fate of Atlantis, covered in a gold leaf. But how did the Elite find it? What do they want with it?
All Alika wishes to do is take matters into her own hands, but can she master her powers before they find her? Can she stop them before they execute their plan, before they use the box? How will Zeus, God of Thunder, react when he finds out about the theft of the box? Is there hope for Atlantis, or are they destined to fall?