Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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query letter for YA fantasy
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Hi Hanna,I really like your concept and your query definitely gets my interest. However, the first two paragraphs seem to set up a conflict between the Empire and Thomas's family, and then completely changes course to talk about a small white stone. A lot of the details in the fourth paragraph also seem to come out of nowhere. When I'm invested in Thomas's described struggle, memory loss and a forgotten brother seem like non-sequiturs. From the query, I can't tell which conflict most of the book is about, but I'd recommend focusing on that.
Hope that helps!
-Author56
Thank you! Your comment has got me thinking about what Thomas's main conflict actually is, and it really does have to do with the memory loss and his people rising in the desert. I will have to rework this!
Hello Hanna-I'm about to start querying again myself. It is a project in its own right!
I'd separate the Blurb from the Query. The Blurb should be 100-150 words long, 2-3 paragraphs on the book (like the back cover blurb).
The full query letter is the blurb, wrapped in an opening and a closing. You've got another ~100 words for that, for 250 words total. You need to keep it short because agents are busy and hassled and you need to make your points quickly!
My suggestions (just my $0.02):
1) Your current blurb is almost 300 words -- you should try to cut it in half! You've got a good story with multiple threads, maybe just pull in the major points (Author56's notes) to get it short and succinct.
2) Leave space at the beginning of the query to say why you've chosen this particular agent. It can be short! Maybe just "I see you rep YA fantasy, including authors I adore like XXX and YYY."
3) I think your closing paragraph is pretty good: some author bio plus you are clear about the word count and genre.
Good luck!
-Alexander
I'm glad you mentioned the personalization to each agent! I guess I've been really focused on trying to make the letter just about the story. I will definitely try to condense the blurb to something smaller as well. I really appreciate the feedback!
Hi Hanna,Just a quick note about your comp titles. Every story is unique, so as an author it is especially hard to see (admit?) that there is something else out there that is similar. Even if there is, we don't want to call an agent's attention to it. You don't need to find or worry about that. You can focus on one aspect: James Bond action in a fantasy setting! (I wouldn't actually use Bond in this genre, but hopefully, you get the point) Or just find novels your readers might like: The Great Mancy War will appeal to readers who enjoyed X by Y. Don't pick hugely popular or classic stories. Books written in the last 5-10 years are best.
Good Luck!
Dear Agent,
His homunculi guard the streets, but the secret to creating them will get him killed.
Seventeen year old Thomas Gredgory is a mancer.
He can create a sword, a shield, or a simple pebble, from the dark substance that separates him from humanity. Anything is possible with this power—but it is a thing that the Saydian Empire strives to hunt to extinction.
In Adoniram, a flourishing desert city and a subservient state of the Empire, Thomas and his family have hidden and risen to power as creators and commanders of the homunculi. Human-like, obedient, and deadly, these creatures have been the cause of jealousy for one hundred years. The Empire demands to know their secrets and to finally take command of these creatures.
And so Thomas finds himself betrothed to none other than the niece of the Emperor that has condemned his people in exchange for his knowledge. He must navigate the dangers of his impending marriage and hide it from the girl he loves—who happens to be a beautiful dirty scav—all while a new threat lands on his doorstep in the form of a strange white stone. The masked desert natives charge him with keeping this stone, a relic from the ancient mancy empire, from the hands of mancers who rise in the sands. But dark spots in Thomas’s memory call to be revealed, and he has a feeling that the mancers appearing outside the city can help him remember—remember why he has scars crisscrossing his body, and remember why he blacks out every time someone tries to speak of his brother around him.
Thomas must find not only new purpose in his rapidly changing world, but he must choose whether he will help his people rise from dust, or condemn them for eternity.
The Great Mancy War is a 65,000 word YA fantasy. This fast-paced adventure will keep the reader moving through the glimmering desert city of Adoniram and beyond until the final page. I am a mother of one, with another on the way, I work full-time and write in any spare moment. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you soon.
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