First Draft Blurb For Fantasy LitRPG

[Alex]

Hello! This is my first draft for a possible blurb for the book I'm working on. I appreciate any feedback!

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To protect his little sister, one traumatized soldier will have to step on the road to become a god...

Garrett Chapman is a veteran of the Imperial Legions. However returning home a war hero wasn’t the fairy tale ending he hoped it would be. Dealing with an abusive family, traumatized by his past, Garrett feels like he’s barely surviving day to day.

All of that changes when a prophecy declares his little sister to be the harbinger of the end times.

Garrett must once again pick up the sword if he wants to keep his most precious family member safe. However as an ordinary soldier he won’t stand a chance against the forces arrayed against them.

Garrett must step onto the Path of the Gods and begin his evolution into divinity to stand a chance, but even that won’t be enough to stop the forces that are coming for them. Realizing that one man – or even god – can’t hope to stand against the whole world alone, Garrett does the unthinkable. Using his sister’s newfound magical ability to detect the priceless Power Stones needed to break the level cap, Garrett will start up his own Adventuring Company and fill it full of outcasts, cutthroats and non humans loyal to him.

It doesn’t matter who his actions are going to piss off. It doesn’t matter who is arrayed against them. Fate decided to screw them so he will screw fate right back. Garrett will protect his sister and he will cut down anyone who stands in his way.

Even if it means the end of the world.

[Scott]

Hi Alex,
Your story sounds interesting and I think your blurb is good, but there are a few questions that may need to be fleshed out. First, I'm wondering if there is a path to divinity, why aren't more people doing it? From only what is written here, it seems relatively easy (though there is probably more to it).

As a war hero, it seems life should be good, but it's not. The next phrase, "all that changes," seems to imply that it gets better, but it sounds like it's actually worse. I'm wondering if his abusive home life is important, either to the story or to the blurb. It seems the prophecy would be more dramatic if life is great and then, bam! But even if is important, the wording here should be fixed. Also, it says the whole world is out to get his sister, but it may be more effective to give a better sense of who they are up against. A concrete leader or organization is better than something obscure or abstract.

This is a personal view, but I'm not a fan of one-line paragraphs. I think having one gives it focus but having three of them only spreads the thunder. It's not as meaningful.

I'm unclear about what is "unthinkable." Using his sister's power, acquiring the stones, or starting an adventure company? There is a lot of stuff in that sentence and I'm not sure where the focus should be. Along the same lines, what does company refer to? Is it a band of adventurers traveling together? The capitalization makes me think he is setting up a business and others will hire them to do their adventuring for them.

Last, I'm not sure what your intention is in the line about Fate. It sort of sounds like it is meant to be funny, which feels out of place. Except for the last line (Garrett will protect...), the rest of the paragraph falls flat. Maybe cut it or think about its purpose and restructure it.

That's just my two-bits, of course. I hope some of it is useful to you. Good luck with it. It sounds exciting.