Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Fantasy Query
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Hi AlexanderI provide free beta reads.
Check out details on my web page: https://theroadtonathan.godaddysites....
Best, Nathan
Hello Alexander-I like the general storyline! It sounds like a fun cast of characters. And I like that the query keeps a minimum of names and doesn't introduce a bunch of new terminology.
Right now, I'd say that the major problem is that the blurb is too long. The recommended range is 100-150 words. You're over 250 now, which is about the desired length of the full query letter. Agents will skip this much prose!
So I'd focus on tightening it and cutting bits that aren't important for the blurb. My quick thoughts here:
1. You can remove some of the details of the action (example: may not need to mention assassination attempts at this level, and you don't need to note the Keepers switching their focus from the high king to each other)
2. The final paragraph could be tightened into a quick summary of the central Problem facing Dagny. It raises a lot of issues (family, cult, price of vengeance) but maybe summarize with a single major Problem?
Minor note: in reading, I wasn't sure who "their biggest enemy is each other" referred to, or what "cryptic, all-seeing affiliations" meant. If important you can maybe make more clear in an updated Problem statement.
Just my opinions, hope that helps!
-Alexander
Princess Dagny was lucky to be exiled, since shortly after, the royal family was slain and her father’s crown stolen. Forced into hiding, she falls into the hands of an elusive, all-seeing cult that trains her in the uncanny art of disappearing and reappearing in shadows. Now Dagny—armed with obscure powers, a cunning mind, and the grudge-bearing capacities of a teenager—will stop at nothing to kill her family’s murderer: the new high king, Hrogeer.
Unfortunately, every high king has elite Keepers to protect them. Fortunately, Hrogeer chose three that each secretly want him dead.
After witnessing the Keepers idiotically thwart each other’s assassination attempts, Dagny recruits the bickering heroes: a gracefully deadly doctor from an enslaved race wanting justice for her people, an old but legendary knight determined to end a witch’s curse, and a belligerent (but luckily) immortal pirate seeking… well, the king’s supply of wine. One problem: the Keepers now want to kill one another more than Hrogeer.
Since Hrogeer has gone into hiding, their biggest enemy is each other. The Keepers plunge every province into civil war in a race to find the king. Their only hope in locating him rests in the hands of Dagny and her cryptic, all-seeing affiliations. Not wanting to lose another family but afraid she can’t kill Hrogeer alone, Dagny is torn between embracing the insidious cult, or trying to reunite the Keepers and kill him together, as a weird little family. The shadow princess will learn the price of vengeance, but she’ll make sure Hrogeer does too.
THE KEEPERS OF THE CROWN is a high fantasy, complete at 95k words, told in a humorous tone akin to that of Nicholas Eames’ “Kings of the Wyld". It is the first of a planned series, but works as a standalone as well.