Query feedback: YA spec fic

[Megan]

Hello, I would SO welcome any feedback about my query. I am having a hard time with it!

Dear [Agent],

A time traveler, a pretty boy, a mind reader, and a speedster, have one goal: break into their university’s high-security lab to uncover the truth behind the Activation. The Activation – a supernatural gift from an alien civilization – allows one percent of the human population to ‘activate’ inert segments of their DNA, giving them superpowers. Now, there are whispers of the university piloting an experimental treatment that could Activate more people, for a price. The crew plans to find out exactly what that price is.

Their plan is foiled when Chiama, a Non-Active civilian, mysteriously arrives at school. The problem? The time traveler, Wren, knows Chiama. In fact, under the university’s directive, Wren has been secretly jumping through time all year to prevent Chiama’s murder. For her part, Chiama is clueless and just wants to finish her astronomy degree without sinking further into debt. Wren is now convinced Chiama is somehow related to the mysteries of the new Activation treatment, and wants her along for the ride.

During the break-in, the students stumble upon damning information about the university’s experiments. Now, the crew is being hunted by Chiama’s assassin and their own school as they race to find the ugly truth behind humanity’s “gift”, and figure out where Chiama’s latent abilities fit in.

BROKEN STRANDS (88,000 words) is a young adult speculative fiction novel. It is thematically similar to AN ABSOLUTELY REMARKABLE THING, with a character-driven plot echoing THE SPACE BETWEEN WORLDS.The main characters of my manuscript represent diverse racial identities, gender identities, and sexual orientations. Additionally, one character is neurodivergent.

I have a BA in Creative Writing from SCHOOL and have published articles in parenting magazines related to my work as a behavior analyst.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Author56]

Hi Megan,
I really like this blurb. I think it does a good job of setting up the plot and handling a large character cast, and it definitely catches my interest. The one problem is that I'm kind of confused about what's going on with Chiama. How does the university know about her murder? How does time travel help stop it? How does she tie into the rest of the mystery? How does her appearance derail everything else?
Hope that helps!
-Author56

[Alexander]

Hello Megan-

I have some tactical points on the query.

The total word count for the Blurb (just the Blurb, not the full Query Letter) should be 100-150 words. Yours is 214 words right now. So I'd recommend cutting 60+ words from that. A short, direct blurb is better!

For the Blurb itself, I couldn't tell who the main character is. Wren seems most likely, but she's introduced late. Chiama? Whoever the primary POV of the book is should be in the first sentence (my $0.02) so agents can anchor on that. And then focus on the journey (and obstacles) for that character in the Blurb. Author56's questions are worth looking at as part of that refinement.

The total Query Letter word count should be ~250 words. You're at 300 now, but if you cut your Blurb to 150 words you should be fine, plus have some words to introduce the blurb to the agent.

I like the inclusiveness of your characters. A followup question (sometimes I'll see it in agents' Query Me links) is "Why is this author the right one to tell this story?" For example, making sure that other peoples' identities and cultures aren't being appropriated. Just something to consider so you can answer when an agent asks. I'm guessing you've already thought of this, but if not you could get a sensitivity beta read etc.

Closing paragraph and bio looks good. You've got the word count and the genre, and bio is good.

Good luck!

-Alexander