Query for literary novel - 2nd attempt

[Nicholas]

Clayton is a young social worker whose determination to influence the lives of others comes at a mounting cost to his own care and wellbeing.

When Clayton is referred to an ill and housebound woman in New Haven, his attention turns to the woman’s son Jack, a disaffected college drop-out. During his visits, signs around the house lead Clayton to suspect Jack has fallen prey to an ideology of nationalism, misogyny and resentment. Left unchecked, the young man might think of acting on his extreme views; but with little evidence, or access, Clayton isn’t sure what to do.

Wary of the outsider, Jack tries to deny Clayton further visits, which leads to a battle of wills and straining of professional boundaries. Jack doesn’t inform Clayton when his ill mother suffers an accident. Clayton hints at an intervention he can’t actually set in motion. Jack quietly surveys the halls where Clayton’s girlfriend Harriett attends her college lectures. At crucial moments, Clayton’s attention is drawn to the other people in his care. Their needs distract him from realizing the true extent of Jack’s deterioration, and the preparations he has been making to strike at society. At the limit of exhaustion, Clayton must act on his instincts to prevent a tragedy.

How to Disappear Completely is a narrative of troubled lives: those that find solace and renewal, and those that are driven by alienation and anger to commit terrible acts.

[Author56]

I think the first line would be the logline, not part of the query, you want to start with the story. However, the paragraph after that I really like. It introduces the conflict well. After that, though, it just feels like a list of all the minor conflicts in the story. Instead, try to built up the little hints Clayton's getting about Jack's plans, to make suspense and get whoever's reading to want to read the book.

Hope that helps!

[Ekaterina]

Hi! I agree with the previous comment that it’s better to start with the second paragraph. “When the social worker Clayton…” it all I want to know at this point, since “whose determination to influence the lives of others comes at a mounting cost to his own care and wellbeing” is too abstract and it’s not the focus of this concrete story.

Second paragraph is great, but I lose interest as the third one comes. It’s too much info, especially about the “other people in his care”. So at the end of the second paragraph Clayton isn’t sure what to do. What does he do? It fells like here the decision should come, which sets the story going. It would work well if you focused on the choice Clayton has to make and what bad things would happen if he decides one way or the other (the stakes).

I’m also not sure about the last paragraph. From what I read, I have a feeling it’s best to keep things as simple as possible at this point. Something like: “BOOK NAME” is the “GENRE” complete at “X” words, which will appeal to fans of “BOOKS NAME/AUTHOR/GENRE/etc.” The query is supposed to tell the plot and the main book data, I think you should let agents discover the deep sense of your novel as they read the pages.

I hope this helps! Good luck.

[Nicholas]

Thanks for the feedback, especially about the last paragraph - how does this look..?

When Clayton, a young social worker, is referred to an ill and housebound woman in New Haven, he forms suspicions about the woman’s son Jack, a disaffected college drop-out. During his visits, signs around the house lead Clayton to suspect the young man has fallen prey to an ideology of nationalism, misogyny and resentment. Left unchecked, he fears Jack might think of acting on his extreme views; but with little evidence, or access, he isn’t sure what to do.

Wary of the outsider, Jack tries to deny Clayton further visits, which leads to a battle of wills and straining of professional boundaries. In the basement, wreathed in pot smoke, the light from videos flickering over his sullen features, Jack’s alienation grows. The needs of the other people in Clayton’s care distract him from realizing the extent of the preparations Jack has been making, and from heeding the once-promising young man’s warning, that the child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. At the limit of exhaustion, Clayton must decide what to do in order to avert a possible tragedy.

Young White Male is a complete, beta-read, contemporary literary novel with thriller elements that will appeal to readers of Catcher in the Rye, In a Strange Room, and We Need to Talk About Kevin.

[Author56]

I think it's definitely better, but the last part still feels like a list of actions instead of suspense. Instead of saying "At the limit of exhaustion, Clayton must decide..." say "Clayton must _ to keep _ from happening." In the first one, it makes it sound like the thing keeping Clayton from stopping Jack is exhaustion, which makes the conflict sound silly. Phrase it as a choice.

You should also clarify the "possible tragedy". Right now it's implied to be a fire, but the amount of evidence and the scope of the destruction is very limited. If we know the clues, then it builds suspense instead of leaving us confused.

Finally, the last paragraph is a bit awkward. You don't need to tell the agent that it's complete and beta-read, that's implied and sounds unprofessional. Also, I liked the previous title better. Young white men are known for being privileged, and that doesn't seem to be the connotation you're going for.

[J.R.]

I think you're getting there. Writing a query is hard; writing a query for literary fiction tends to be even harder because a lot of literary novels tend to be more character-driven than plot-driven.

I'll let others pick apart the story part, but a couple of thoughts on the last paragraph. I agree with Author56 on your last paragraph. I liked the title "How to Disappear Completely" better. I would also leave out the beta reading part. Unless your manuscript is outside the norm (i.e. it's considerably under 60K or over 100K), I would include the word count.

If you have any qualifications, those should also go in your last paragraph. Lit fic is a genre where having a pedigree can help, so if you have a degree (especially an advanced degree) in English/writing/literature, those may be appealing to an agent and something I'd include. If you've traditionally published (for example, you've had short stories or poetry published somewhere), I'd mention that too. Otherwise, since you're writing a story about a social worker, if you've worked as a social worker or studied in the right areas, that's something I would mention as well. In writing about your qualifications, always aim to keep it relevant to the story you're writing and the genre you're aiming for. (For example, if you do puppy rescue, this would not be the query to include it in. But if you were writing a story about dogs, that would be something I'd include.)

I do think your comps are good. Some people will say don't use a famous and/or an older book in your comps because it's immodest, but I think it's much better to use a famous or older title that fits your story than it is to risk using something obscure or that doesn't fit as well. I don't really think agents assume writers have delusions of grandeur just because they compare their manuscript to a famous work. When you compared your novel to "Catcher," for example, I had an instant idea of the type of novel you've written and who it'll appeal to. I think that's good.

Good luck!