Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query help for MG Fantasy
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The only real criticism I have is your blurb is definitely on the long side at over 300 words. I would try to streamline it down to roughly 200 words and see if your letter reads better. Agents are very busy, so the snappier and shorter your letter is (within reason, of course), the better. I don't know that an agent will overly care you work in a library, but if you work in the children's or middle-grade section, that would be something to highlight.
Good luck with your query!
Thank you J.R. I will work on shortening it.
The first paragraph is talks about reclaiming the throne. So, that’s what I expect the story to be about. Therefore, I was confused by the second paragraph that talks about how the throne was stolen. If I was an agent, I wouldn’t have made it any further because the idea is not clear.The blurb also suffers from its listing effect. This happens, then this happens, and the next day this happens. Also, it is not necessary to mention specific obstacles like finding a comb. But we do need to know the goal, why that goal is important, and what happens if the heroes fail. I’m not sure those things are clear.
Thank you for pointing that out Scott. I have rewritten it to show the stakes and I did make it shorter. Hopefully this one is better.Here is the revised version
Dear Ms,
In the MG fantasy novel, The Glowing Gem, complete at 71,000 words, three young elves, and a sassy unicorn, are given a special mission by the Queen on the eve of their banishment. They must find an elf on an island of undesirables who can help her reclaim the throne which was stolen by her conniving brother.
It all started when thirteen-year-old Thalia discovers a long forgotten glowing gem. It shrouds her in blue light, gives her confidence, and allows her to shoot lightning. But there’s another who seeks the gem and its powers and when he attacks Thalia, her handsome brother Thadd, and his best friend Oli, things take a turn for the worse. The next day, the Prince uses Thalia’s gem to take the throne. With Thalia and his sister out of the way, he’s free to move forward with his plans.
With only a vial of bubbling red liquid a name to help find this elf, their outlook is bleak. The island is huge and full of bad elves and creatures. If they don’t return home with him soon, the new King will lead Traharney into a war to overthrow the surrounding kingdoms. When they find the elf, he reveals a secret that turns Thalia’s world upside down. The next step is getting back home, but how do you escape an island you’re forbidden to leave? After all, banishment from Traharney means forever.
The Glowing Gem is a standalone book with series potential and will appeal to fans of The Adventurer's Guild series, Lalani of the Distant Sea, and The Serpent’s Secret. I am a member of SCBWI. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Andrea
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Hello Andrea,The comma use in the first sentence needs to be revisited. Unless I'm mistaken, the sentence only calls for one comma, but there are five. There are also some tense issues (switching between past and present tense in the same sentence).
The issue Scott pointed out with listing still exists in this version, too, particularly in the second paragraph. Most of those details aren't necessary. The agent/editor won't care about the side characters or the specifics of the gem at this stage in the game. They want to know the big picture of your story, not the minutia of what happens.
I'd advise you to read the back cover/inside jacket blurbs from some of your favorite books. Those are more inline with what an agent wants to see in a query letter.
Who's driving the plot, which character? Thalia? It may be multi- POV story, but for right now, given what's in your query, I'd go with her as the MC. And while you use active verbs to show her doing "stuff," she's got no goal, no wants. She's reacting. Which is fine in your book, characters do react in the fun and games second quarter. But in a query, you leave that portion out and focus on how the MC drives the story. It's kind of implied (but I'm not 100-percent sure), that Thalia wants to get the gem back -- great, but that needs to be stated, and I think it's her story want. So, simplify this for your reader, down to: who's your MC, what does she want, what stands in her way of getting it -- and the biggie, what happens if she fails? What are the consequences if she doesn't get the gem back? Agents will be looking for all the awesome plot twists in your pages, not in the query, which really only covers about the first 1/3rd of your story, think up to the inciting incident, and then the consequences, the dire situation the story world will be in if Thalia fails. That's it. I think that's what the previous posters are attempting to say. Good luck!
I’m still not sure if Thalia is the queen or if Thalia, Thad and Oli are the three elves. Is this a flashback leading up to the details of the intro?
Thanks again for the help. Your comments made me think long and hard about what Thalia truly wants. Here's another crack at it. I hope this one is better.
Dear Ms,
Thirteen-year-old Thalia had been longing for a true friend. When she found a forgotten glowing gem it gave her courage to stand up to her bully and made her feel worth something. It also gave her the ability to shoot lightning. What she got however, was something she never expected. Her gem was ripped away from her and she was sent to the Isle of Banishment never to return.
Before she left she was secretly given a mission to find an elf who can help her get back home and together they can use the gem's powers to save Traharney from the conniving King. But life on an island of undesirables is anything but safe or easy. She uses the hope of returning to her gem to keep moving forward. With the help of some unlikely creatures and elves she overcomes hardships and learns what it means to be brave. Will she be able to find the true friend she’s been longing for on the island? How do you escape an island you're forbidden to leave?
The MG fantasy The Glowing Gem complete at 71,700 words is a standalone book with series potential. It will appeal to fans of The Adventurer's Guild series, Lalani of the Distant Sea, and The Serpent’s Secret. I am a member of SCBWI. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Andrea
phone
Super quick read: This is better, it's getting there. One quick edit throughout, change to present tense, which will give it much more urgency (most queries are written in present). And stay away from using questions in a query. They practically guarantee a rejection. "Thirteen-year-old Thalia longs for a true friend." Can you feel the difference, in present tense? Then, I'd edit out "forgotten," as she's found the gem, so it's no longer forgotten. I'd edit out the sentence, "What she got however, was something she never expected." I'd edit the following sentence to give it more voice-y oomph -- "She finds a glowing gem and shoots lightning from her hands. Talk about a confidence boost!" or some such. Think shorter, punchier sentences to drive home what stands in her way, throughout, but in your character's voice. Then on to... "Her new ability draws the King's attention (I'm assuming??), and he rips away the gem and exiles her to the Isle of Banishment. On the Isle, she must find an elf who can help her get home, reclaim the gem and use its powers to save the kingdom from the conniving King. If she fails... (and here, we need the stakes....I don't know what those are). " And that's it, that's all you really need. If you can work in the emotional arc of her gaining confidence, using that to defeat the King, in the end sentence as well, that'd be optimal. Oh, and the housekeeping paragraph: The Glowing Gem, a 72,000 word MG second world fantasy, will appeal to fans of ... I am a member of ... Thank you... " etc. I'd leave off the standalone (if it isn't, they won't bother) and the series potential (the publisher, if the book gets a book deal, will determine if there's a market for additional books, and that has nothing to do with the story itself). These are darn hard to write, so great second pass! Keep at it.
I really like the first paragraph, except I'm confused about how she was banished. The second one, however, needs some clarification. Who's traharney? Who gave her the mission, and why? How does her hope of returning change the gem's effects at all? Finally, maybe end some other way than those questions. It might be more dramatic to say "and she might finally find that true friend", and if I read it correctly the last one should be pretty easy with the gem.
Dear Ms,
In the middle grade fantasy novel, The Glowing Gem, complete at 72,700 words, three young elves, and a sassy unicorn, are given a special mission by the Queen on the eve of their banishment. They must find an elf on an island of undesirables to help her reclaim the throne which was stolen by her brother.
When lonely thirteen-year-old Thalia discovers a long forgotten glowing gem, it shrouds her in blue light, gives her confidence, and allows her to shoot lightning. Her older, handsome brother Thadd is slightly jealous because up until now he was the only one in the family that could use magic. But when Thalia, Thadd, and his best friend Oli are attacked by three hooded figures who are after the gem, things get weird and they’re the ones who end up locked in the stocks. The next day, the Prince steals the throne and Thalia’s gem. His first act as King is sending his sister to the Tower. His second act is banishing the other threat to his plan by sending the three elves and Starshine the unicorn to the dreaded Isle of Banishment.
With only a vial of bubbling red liquid and a name to help find this elf, their outlook is bleak. How are they supposed to know the bad elves and creatures from the really bad ones? For instance, a pair of trolls who try to make them their slaves - horrible. A dragon who will only allow them to stay on his beach once they find his beard comb - the verdict is still out on this one. And the elf they’re supposed to find who reveals a secret that turns Thalia’s world upside down - really bad but also good, depending on who you ask. Maybe she’s not as alone as she thought. The next step is getting back home, but how do you escape an island you’re forbidden to leave? After all, banishment from Traharney means forever.
The Glowing Gem is a standalone book with series potential. I work at my local library and I am a member of SCBWI. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Andrea
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