Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA query (previous version)
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Hey A56!I've read your comments on other people's posts and I have to say you always make good comments and I almost always agree with your points. I think I read this some time ago, but I was too busy to really spend time on it. I'm on break from school, so I thought I'd take another stab at it.
The short answer is no, it doesn't make me want to read it. The longer answer is, I wasn't sure why. I think the worst writing is the easiest to critique. I really had to think about this a lot more because it's not so obvious. For one thing, it reads more like a summary than a blurb. This happens, then that happens...
If I think objectively about what's implied, it sounds kind of exciting, but the way it's listed off makes it sort of dull. In the blurb, we need to know about characters and their goals. What's at stake if they don't complete the mission. I see a few possibilities, but the key points are not stated explicitly. Is she trying to escape prison, save her friend, or protect her people? By not stating her goal and the consequences outright, it seems to wander and I fear the story will too.
There are a few minor writing issues. The voice of the piece is a little uneven. For example, "Free from being stuck with a man," sounds way more informal than the rest. The phrase, "banned from leaving," sounds odd because a ban usu. implies you can't go there, instead of not leave from there. Also, the idea of it is strange; in most prisons, they probably won't tell you you're not allowed to leave. It's sort of implied. And, "she's willing to do anything to escape," contradicts the idea that she won't abandon her culture. Yeah, I get what it means, but you don't want to say it if you don't mean it.
Overall, it sounds like the ideas have been well thought out, but need to have more focus in the blurb. They aren't being communicated well enough. Also, look at the story structure and determine what the main thrust of the story is about. Hope this is helpful. Then make sure that's really clear in the blurb. Good luck with it.
Hi Scott!Thanks for the feedback! But if you look at the query stream, I have an updated version. Do you think it works better?
Sincerely,
Author56
I've made some revisions to my query and was wondering if anyone could give me some feedback on it. My main questions are whether it makes you want to read the book and if you'd ask for more if you were an agent. Thank you so much!
Detori had always felt like an outcast. It didn’t seem like a day could go by without someone bullying her for being a refugee. So when she figures out she’s aromantic, she decides to take the only option besides marriage; becoming a priest. Not only would she be free from being stuck with a man, but priests trained at monasteries, a place where she could hide her nationality.
Her friend Leona, tired of her clamorous family and scared of losing a friend, joins her.
The two girls trek to a monastery on the top of Mt. Parbata. As they study prayer and holy dances, Detori and Leona face unkind mentors and prejudiced priests. Detori hides her identity to prevent discrimination, revealing it only to a girl who turns out to be from the same country she is.
But some priests at the monastery are part of a plot to imprison all of Detori’s people. They overhear Detori talking with her new friend and plant a trap. Soon Detori’s in a prison cart headed towards a reeducation camp.
Leona is devastated when the kidnappers say Detori is dead. When she figures out they're lying, she chooses to leave behind her ambitions of priesthood and rescue her friend. But to find Detori, she must work undercover at the prison, where any wrong move could result in her discovery.
Detori is not told she’s banned from leaving. She’s told the only way to get out is to abandon her culture. But that’s not something she’s about to do. So she fights against her overzealous jailer, willing to do anything to escape, until it puts her best friend in danger.
On the top of Mt. Parbata is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words with alternating viewpoints. It will appeal to fans of Namina Forna’s The Gilded Ones and Somaiya Daud’s Mirage.