Blurb Feedback Requested

[Pat]

I would love your feedback on this blurb for my novel in progress, inspired by my mother's experiences as an orphan.

Kathleen, born in 1923 to Irish Catholic immigrants, experiences hatred and discrimination that mire her in poverty. As one of nine children, she struggles to find her place, but illness and tragedy deteriorate into disfunction. And that’s why Kathleen ends up at the Sacred Heart Orphanage, on her hands and knees scrubbing stone floors, wondering why God gave her a father who doesn’t want her anymore. The nuns are harsh–the acts of one parish priest unspeakable. The Ryan kids are tough, but life is tougher. Yet the only thing Kathleen’s soul can’t survive is being abandoned.

[Pat]

Hello Kathleen--First let me say that it is special to receive feedback from a Kathleen! Your comments are quite helpful and I am off to incorporate them now. Many thanks, pat

[M.L.]

Hi, I think this is set in America but it would be nice to mention that and or the state, city, like Chicago, jut to give it a place. Also, is there a hopeful note? Not to give anything away, but if there is an upside, you might point in that direction. I'm thinking Angela's Ashes, so something positive or uplifting through all the misery.

[[deleted user]]

IMO, show don't tell with the first sentence. Or explain her reaction or feelings to one negative event. The second sentence confuses me. I am guessing you are saying her family is a mess, but try rephrasing the sentence. So her father forced her to go to an orphanage or she ran away? Who are the Ryan kids? What is the central conflict or problem of the story?

[Pat]

The bonds, love, and interactions between the children are the most hopeful aspects at this point. I haven't written the ending yet, but it will be about how the kids, especially Kathleen, get out of the orphanage. What was the hopeful part of Angela's Ashes that you are thinking of? It's been so long since I read it, I don't remember. I googled the question and didn't find an answer.

Yes, it is first set in Philadelphia then Pueblo, Colorado. Thanks for your feedback. Quite helpful. pat


eM.L. wrote: "Hi, I think this is set in America but it would be nice to mention that and or the state, city, like Chicago, jut to give it a place. Also, is there a hopeful note? Not to give anything away, but i..."



M.L. wrote: "Hi, I think this is set in America but it would be nice to mention that and or the state, city, like Chicago, jut to give it a place. Also, is there a hopeful note? Not to give anything away, but i..."

[Pat]

Thank you!
Phil wrote: "IMO, show don't tell with the first sentence. Or explain her reaction or feelings to one negative event. The second sentence confuses me. I am guessing you are saying her family is a mess, but try ..."

[Tommy]

Hi Pat,

To my mind blurb is often the most difficult few lines of the whole enterprise. Precisely because it's usually skimmed rather than read and as the eye glosses over it, unwieldy sentences offer unnecessary resistance. So, one has to be ruthless in the composition of it. Lose the reader here and the book ends up back on the shelf without even getting to page 1.

As for your blurb, IMHO, I would suggest some gentle rewriting:

"As one of nine children in an Irish Catholic immigrant household, Kathleen's life is mired in poverty. Facing the daily torment of discrimination in her neighbourhood and yearning for acceptance, tragedy strikes and her existence deteriorates into dysfunction."

It retains the drama without revealing too much plot. Above all though, it's effortless to read.

(Also, I'm sure your spellchecker would have caught it, but it's 'dysfunction', not "disfunction".)

[Pat]

The most difficult and painful! Thank you for your help. I like what you have suggested.

Can't figure out why my spellchecker and Grammarly failed me!

[M.L.]

Pat wrote: "The bonds, love, and interactions between the children are the most hopeful aspects at this point. I haven't written the ending yet, but it will be about how the kids, especially Kathleen, get out ..."

It's more a matter of presentation than a specific event: Told with warmth and empathy, _______, one woman's struggle___
Something like that, and of course only if it applies.

[Pat]

Thank you. That is a helpful approach. I like it. Pat


M.L. wrote: "Pat wrote: "The bonds, love, and interactions between the children are the most hopeful aspects at this point. I haven't written the ending yet, but it will be about how the kids, especially Kathle..."