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Which Line Would Make You Keep Reading? (Revised)
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I like the first option better. You can remove the 'or not' to make it simpler. According to Hemingway editor Line 2 is considered a sentence that's hard to read, and I agree. I have to think about 'couldn't' and 'hadn't' and it's a little confusing.
Neither.I think the idea/concept you're getting across is good. Just neither of these do it for me.
As for the first, I'm not a fan of the "there were" or "there was" construction if it can be avoided.
I like the second one better, but it is confusingly worded. I agree with Hermann that the problem is the negatives -- the couldn't and the hadn't. I had to stop and read the sentence twice to get its meaning.
Marcel wrote: "Line 1 - There were moments in Odion's life when he had to decide whether or not to murder his twin brother. Line 2 - Odion couldn't remember the last time he hadn't contemplated murdering his tw..."
Answer: Line 2
Line 1. I think either line could work with some tweaking, but in their current forms I prefer the first line because it comes across more clearly to me.Also, I think they have different tones. If you want something more playfully morbid, I think line 1 more eccentric. Line 2 comes off as more of a character who thinks of nothing but murder.
So I would tweak line 1 if you're going with a character who sometimes just thinks, "I really want to kill that guy," and something more like line 2 if your character is obsessively plotting how to kill that guy.
J.R. wrote: "Neither.I think the idea/concept you're getting across is good. Just neither of these do it for me.
As for the first, I'm not a fan of the "there were" or "there was" construction if it can be ..."
Understood. That is a common error many have pointed out; the double negatives. Thank you for sharing your input as I will look to fixing these mistakes.
Line one is easier to understand, but it says something much different from line two. Which meaning is true of your character? If line two is true, is there a simpler way to say it? If there is a simpler way, is it more powerful than the original construction? I think line two is quite strong. The second negative intensifies the first. As far as I know, the rule about double negatives applies to two negatives in one clause (I don't got no money.), not two negatives distributed over two clauses. Line two has two clauses. There's also context to consider. Is this a genre in which every sentence and word must be understood without effort or dictionary?
Line 2, but to fix the clarity issue, may consider something like:Odion only remembered a few days in his life where he hadn't contemplated murdering his twin brother.
That could launch you into a few short good memories before getting into why he needed to kill him.
Line 2 - Odion couldn't remember the last time he hadn't contemplated murdering his twin brother.