The Boogaloo and You - Chapter One - part 1

[M.L.]

I couldn't fit the whole chapter on here so I cut off the end and made it part 2. Any notes are appreciated.

Alistair was 25 but, scrawny and big-eyed, he could pass for 16. He possessed a special ability. Every time he went to a party he blended in perfectly with the wall paper. However, Alistair always feared that everyone was secretly watching him. Waiting for Alistair to find a way to embarrass himself. So, he dealt with his insecurity the only way he knew how, binge drinking.

He poured a shot of whiskey into his glass. Then another for good measure. The enchanted castle logo of "Delusionaland" etched on the shot glass made him smile. He'd been to the theme park dozens of times and always had a great time.

"Like my toothpick holder?"

Alistair turned around to find his host, Max, 30, a burly man with a Viking beard, a sloppy Hawaiian shirt and a perpetual grin.

Alistair looked worried. "It's not a -- ?"

Max cut him off. "They're not allowed to sell shot glasses at Delusionaland. The founder was a Puritan or something. But they do sell toothpick holders."

Max took the shot glass/toothpick holder and fixed himself a drink. He toasted Alistair. "When challenges arise the greats improvise."

Alistair smiled. There was a moment of awkward silence. Max was new to the area and Alistair knew nothing about him. Alistair dropped his eyes to the carpet, avoiding eye-contact. Finally, he opened his mouth to say something but Max was gone.

Alistair smiled his way through a room full of people he didn't know. Regretting that Max had caught him in his driveway, off-guard and without an excuse. "Oh well," he thought. He found a chair in a corner and sipped his drink.

Alistair looked at the small pouch of fat that formed around his stomach whenever he sat down. He poked it. Alistair weighed one hundred and ten pounds in high school. He was so thin that if he stood in front of a bright light you could practically see his skeleton through his skin.

But when he found a good job, he moved out of his parent's house, never learning how to cook. A few years of Ultimate Cheeseburgers, craft beer and season curly fries with ranch had given him a nice little pot belly. He was kind of proud of it.

Alistair crowd-gazed. Eyes falling on Conrad, who stood out with shoulder length blond hair and a handlebar mustache. He was dressed like a Southern dandy in a vintage suit and bow tie. Alistair thought Conrad's look was dapper, bold and something he couldn't pull off in a million years.

Conrad handed a tumbler full of vodka to Octavia, dressed down in flannel and faded jeans. She killed the drink in one long gulp then punctuated the feat with a high-pitched "Yeow!"

Conrad was amazed, and a little concerned. "You off tomorrow?" He asked.

Octavia tapped on her chest waiting for the burning to subside. "Oh. No." She said. "I got laid off. Whole distribution center. Seventy-five people replaced by Roombas with baskets strapped on top of 'em."

Octavia shook her head. "Those assholes keep it up, pretty soon, won't be nobody left who can afford their crap."

"Perhaps it's for the best." Conrad said, raising his glass. "Here's to an opportunity to chase your dreams."

Octavia emitted a sputtering burst of laughter. "Right."

Meredith barged into the middle of their conversation. She was overdressed but the confident look on her face let everyone know she didn't care.

"Hey girl." Meredith hugged Octavia then mockingly saluted Conrad. "General Custer."

Conrad laughed. "Good one."

Meredith scanned the crowd. "Look at all these assholes." She locked eyes with Alistair. "What?!"

Alistair nearly leaped six inches in his seat using nothing but the power of his flinching ass cheeks. He ducked his head and buried his face in his phone.

Meredith checked out the house. It was rustic, a log cabin style place with a huge stone fireplace. She shook her head in disappoval. "What the hell was Max thinking?"

"You know him." Octavia explained. "He's not looking for a home. More of a compound."

"This place is in the sticks." Meredith said with a sour look.

Octavia laughed. “Yeah well, it’s illegal to bury old school buses within the city limits."

"I'd never do that." Max shouted from across the room. “Prison buses are larger and come with built in restraints.”

Alistair's phone froze as he scrolled through Instagram. The spiraling circle of death appeared then the screen turned white.

"What the fuck?" Meredith uttered.

Alistair looked up to find she was dealing with the same problem. Meredith showed her phone to Octavia. "You guys got a signal?"

"Nope." Octavia said.

Conrad shook his head.

The lights flickered a few times then the room plunged into darkness. Someone screamed, more surprised than scared. Cell phone lights began to illuminate the room. Max walked around flipping light switches.

"Is the power out all over or is it just us?" Olivia asked.

Max looked out a window. "I don't see any other lights."

“That's ‘cuz you live out in the boonies.” Meredith explained.

The door rattled. Bam! Bam! Bam! Cell phone light beams trained on the door. Sparkplug, 26, burst in huffing, sweaty, a mangled six pack of beer in his arms.

"Holy shit. It's..." He locked the door. Struggled to catch his breath. "It's crazy out there."

"What happened?" Octavia asked.

"The electricity went out at the gas station." Sparkplug replied.

“Blown transformer or something?” Max asked.

“I… I didn’t see anything.” Sparkplug plucked a beer off his sixer. It exploded with foam as he cracked it open. “I was gonna call you but my phone died.”

Alistair sat up. This was not good.

Sparkplug drank, calmed down. "Everybody just went nuts. I shit you not, it wasn't even five minutes before people started looting."

"And all you brought back was a six pack?" Meredith critiqued.

Max lit up a candle. Noticed that Sparkplug's shirt was soaked with sweat. "What happened to you? Get into a fight or something?"

"I ran here." Sparkplug replied. "My car wouldn't start. Nobody's car would start."

"What do ya’ mean nobody's car would start?" Octavia asked, hints of a backwoods accent rising to the surface. She looked out a window into the front yard.

Sparkplug shook his head. "They just all died. Even cars driving down the road. They lost power and rolled to a stop."

“No shit?” Max asked.

“No shit.” Sparkplug answered.

Octavia grabbed her keys and headed out the door. The others followed. Octavia walked through the darkness with her key fob aimed at her beat up Corolla. She pressed the unlock button repeatedly but got no response from the car. “Son of a…”

She unlocked the door by hand and climbed in. Turned the ignition. All she got was a clicking noise from under the hood.

Meredith hopped into her BMW. Tried to crank it up. Nothing.

The party return inside, confused and nervous.

"Think it could’ve been an EMP? Max pondered.

Conrad locked eyes with Max. "It would have fried all our phones.” Conrad said. The two lingered on each other. In that instant they came to an unspoken understanding.

“Well then what the fuck just happened?” Octavia asked.

“Are you telling us we’re stuck out here?” Meredith asked aloud. “In the middle of nowhere? Thanks for the invite, Max.”

Max raised his hands. "Look, I don't know what's going on. But it could be worse." He helped himself to one of Sparkplug’s beers. “If the electricity is out everywhere, phones and cars too?” He pondered as he cracked it open. “Things in the city are gonna get Mad Max-y real quick."

"What do you mean?" Alistair asked.

"Looting, arson, murder, robbery, random acts of violence.” Max replied.

“Guess I’ll have to burn a sick day tomorrow.” Meredith said.

“What are we gonna do?” Olivia asked.

Max stared at the floor in silence, pondering the situation.

There was a clinking noise as glass bumped against glass. All eyes turned to Alistair. His trembling hand poured another whiskey and coke.

“The boy’s got the right idea.” Conrad quipped.

Olvia nudged Max. "What's the plan here?"

Max shrugged. “Who knows how long this will last. Could be hours. Could be days. Maybe months or even years. What do you think we should do?”

“Food.” Octavia said as she stormed into the kitchen. The others followed. Octavia threw open the pantry. Max’s food stores were unimpressive. A couple of cans of soup. Boxes of mac and cheese. Half a loaf of bread. Peanut butter. Cereal. It would last this group no longer than a day or two.

“That's all you got?” Meredith asked.

“I just moved in. I haven’t had a chance to --.”

“Bullshit.” Meredith shot back. “You’re a doomsday cult guy. I know you got MREs and cases of Vienna sausage buried in your backyard.”

Max shook his head. “Who the hell still eats Vienna sausage?”

Alistair started to raise his hand. Noticed no one else was, he dropped it.

“You gotta ration this stuff." Octavia said. "And your water.”

Max nodded. “Smart.” He looked at Sparkplug, “What do you think?”

Sparkplug inspected the contents of the pantry. “If this is a shit-hits-the-fan scenario and that’s all the food you got?” Sparkplug looked the partygoers over. “My first action would be to figure out which one of these fuckers I’m gonna eat first.”

Dead silence. Shocked faces. Max exploded with laughter. Sparkplug couldn't keep a straight face and broke down too. It became contageous. The party cracked up, letting off some steam built up by the sudden high stress situation.

“Hey,” Meredith looked around, “where’d the kid go?”

They turned around to find the front door wide open.

Alistair sprinted across an open field. His home was less than a mile away, but he was completely turned around and lost in the pitch-black night. The moon was just a sliver in the sky. He tripped over a tree root, stumbled, then stepped into an unseen gopher hole and crashed face first to the ground.

[Andres, Thaumaturge]

"Alistair nearly leaped six inches in his seat using nothing but the power of his flinching ass cheeks. "

I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read that. I would have had to wipe my nose. I think its great. You have a lot of humor which makes the intro's for the beginning of the book run smoother. The conversation makes the characters feel like the have a history together, its fluid.

The only thing I feel you can do to strengthen it is adjust your timeline. It feels like the second Alistair notices his signal is going berserk, everyone in the city has already gone crazy. It feels a bit rushed. At the start Alistair is about to say something to Max but the tender leaves. Maybe at this point add that a strange shake/vibration was felt and Alistair went to comment about it but Max left. This gives you more time. Something could have occurred in the city before Sparkplug comes in. It doesn't feel so instantaneous. The power went out the same time as the looting and rioting. If there is a tv their could be a "JUST IN" or "BREAKING NEWS" -rioting has started out as power grids in the city are systematically shutting down. Max being a prepper has a small generator running but it goes out a short while after. "Well I just moved in, I hadn't filled it up yet."

[Liavali]

Hi M.L.

great start, I also concur with Andres, the timeline of events doesn't make sense, his phone was working and at the same time it stops, Sparkplug is already running back from a city where cars stopped and looting started. I agree maybe Alastair notices is phone not working at beginning of party, and is annoyed as he uses it to escape awkward social situations?

Otherwise I like the pace of the rest of the piece, the dialogue and people move seamlessly so we get a good insight into their personalities.

I would like to have at least a line on Meredith's look, because we get a general description to hang all the other characters on, Alastair disappears into wallpaper, looks young, Octavia is wearing faded jeans and flannels, Conrad is wearing a dandy vintage outfit and has a handlebar moustache and Max is viking colouring with hawain shirt. These are all small descriptions but very strong, they immediatelly give us a visual on these people and we can easily fill in the rest just with this great simple pieces, while Meredith only has: Meredith barged into the middle of their conversation. She was overdressed but the confident look on her face let everyone know she didn't care.

She doesn't get a visual 2 or 3 word summary as the others and I keep wondering what overdressed means. Opera gown? Vintage ballgown? Strappy high heels and slinky dress? Business suit? Is she dressed for a wedding with hat et all...

Everyone else is described beautifully, spend sometime working out what Meredith's few words are if possible.