Five Love Languages Part Two

[Amy]

This is the second half of the review... Hope a few of you appreciate this extra long edition....

When I first met Scott, he impressed me in so many ways. He was on a number of boards for community service and quickly became the co-president of the Young Leadership Division of Combined Jewish Philanthropies. He helped start Family Table, and was on the Board of Brookline Brighton Service Committee. But it was just who he was. He found himself shoveling snow when a couple was coming home with a new baby, or parking cars so an elderly person could get into Services. He was a Big Brother, and checked in on elderly folks. On the night of our first date, we went to services, because he had made a commitment to usher, and I had plans on the Saturday night. After services we went and had the other kind of first date, but it started there. I found out sometime after we were married that he still (51 years now) sends flowers to his first grade teacher every year on her birthday. Has never missed a year. He is the one who sends masks to a cousin in need, sends food to healthcare workers, who checks in on an elderly neighbor. Remembers to clear a path. Helps to deliver meals for the synagogue, like his mother and father did before him. He thinks of the essential workers, and long before they had their day in the sun. He is the guy who sees on Thanksgiving morning that the police are having breakfast alongside us at Sarge’s Deli, and quietly pays for their meal. Because he honors service. He is the one who will stand in the rain and the cold at our kids sports meets and games. Who makes sure that if someone needs to get signed up for sports, or needs gear, that it happens. He is the guy who puts money in my wallet, and fills the cars with gas. His household skills are extraordinary, and sometimes it gets on my nerves a little bit to tell the truth. If he hears the quiet whisper of an ow, or an oh no, or thinks I might be organizing, cleaning, or making dinner, he appears. If I flinch at a spider, it is gone before I’ve had the chance to call him. Earlier this week, I texted him about a dead squirrel in the yard, while we were taking the bikes out of the shed. Before we could ride away, he was there with materials. My youngest son nailed it. He says that Daddy “Apparates”. He does. It’s weird and eerie and borders on controlling. But if I forgot to bring a towel into the bathroom, he never leaves me hanging. But I would sometimes like to wipe down a sink, take care of a spill, make a cake or macaroni and cheese, it’s a little unnerving that he turns up for the task in a way that is more controlling than helpful. He makes beds, does dishes, goes grocery shopping, changes lights, manages cars and trash, and the second I say something needs to be done, he has likely thought about it and done it already. He is in full charge of the dog to the exclusion of the family. He sounds ideal, but sometimes its too much of a good thing. Especially since my need for control is more than equal.

Those who know me, know I put 100% into everything I do, and into the spirituality behind each act. I throw elaborate holidays, and each time, each year, it is an all out new event that requires no shortcuts. This year for the Pandemic, Rabbis told us we were allowed to cut some corners, have a mediocre Passover Seder. I have never heard of such a thing, and in fact the mere idea of that caused me extreme sadness and possible panic. Miss even a year of the Seders and holidays we put forth for the kids, my parents, our friends? Not on my watch! I put laborious effort into every detail of the bar mitzvahs, seeing each even tiny detail as an act of love. Packing for Camp, for the Israel trip. It’s no small matter. Even the elementary school teacher requests are a laborious effort. Preschool shopping, college planning, SAT Prep, anyone who knows me, knows these aren’t regular activities. It’s a whole affair that is laden with small details, each that are overwhelming acts of love. And merely getting my teen through high school, teaching them to ride a bike, to dance, to read, my acts of service are endless and a little bit over the top. Plus, I do the laundry and the bills. My life is filled with trying to do the little things for others that make a difference. I am a care-taker, and we are care-takers. I find ways to make sure ears are clean, computer keyboards are clean, birthdays, vacations, are planned, books to read are bought or gotten from the library. That charities are thought of, that random acts of kindnesses happen, that people are remembered. Holiday cards have never been late or gone missing. He won’t touch any aspect of that, although he mails them. All 150-200. I’m overextended and overworked. But we don’t live any other way.

But when two people are firmly Acts of Service, how really does that work? Well we butt heads some, both of us are controlling and have an idea of what the other should be doing. We both have quirks. Scott does not like a milk bowl in the sink with milk residue in it, so I try never to leave that. I cannot stand price tags on my shower products. It makes me crazy to see some sticker of how much the conditioner cost, when I am trying to take a meditative shower. I also don’t like stickers on wine, name tags, bandaids, etc. We are both finicky. We insist in the most nagging of ways to tell the other how a small thing must be done and in what order, so that we each have peace. And we can have it out about the stupidest things. Or just give in to the idea that each of us cares about something enough that the other should back off. We can absolutely yell and scream when something that should work does not. I swear to God that twice this year, we were on the brink of divorce due to the Printer. Like when I need Jaden’s letter to a college coach printed ASAP and the printer decides to act temperamental and break? Or he needs something printed and it doesn’t go? When he needs me to write a check and make a phonecall, I have to put aside my own to do’s and make sure it happens damn quick, with almost no delay. When we came home New Years Day, flying back so that Scott could go to his stepmother’s funeral, (let me digress and say that funerals are his thing. The way holidays and the bar mitzvahs and college and SAT prep is mine. Any person who is Acts of Service steps up here, and does what it takes for a week to manage his father and his affairs, and everything related to the funeral). Anyway, we come home late and exhausted, and the refrigerator has died. No one has unpacked, and he has a turn around just a few hours later, and there is a smell, and odor, and food needs to be thrown out and cleaned, and things unpacked, everyone ready for school. That was tense, but we got through it. And he had to let me completely step up that week, and take care of everything here 100%. But a week later, I said, I need you back. Because I am a 100% kind of person and parent, and neither of us can be who we are without the other. We are overboard, what the kids call “extra”. And because we are too much, we can yell and scream, and get anxious, and panicked, but we get the job done. Both of us kill ourselves to do beyond what’s necessary in work and in life, and at times, its just too much. Thank God for Words of Affirmation being our next fluent language, because we need the appreciation. How much and how oftern are we saying to the kids, you should make sure to thank Mom or Dad for all they are doing for you (they do). See how Dad cleaned your sneakers, stood out in the rain for your game, how Mom busts her back for every history test and essay, and is an in- home college counselor and test prep tutor, History and English teacher, and has read through Harry Potter with each kid 2.5 times. I suppose you could also call that Quality Time. Except it’s a huge commitment that is more in line with the little and huge things we do, for and with these kids. Attitude of Gratitude is a family motto, and the words of affirmation are so often about acknowledging the Acts of Service that are going on around here. And we are constantly talking about believing in these kids and each other and in acknowledging when and how each of us shine. And its part of who they are too. The development of a person is something we have taken seriously, and their ability to lead, and lead with kindness and with words of affirmation have been a joint goal and one of the things we are most proud of.

Anyway, to end my review, instead of telling you all how I tried to figure out my kids ways/modes of loving, and really appreciated in the book the part about how those dialects have to change as they age, I’m just going to share one last thing about Scott. The other day, there I am running in the heat, listening to my audio of the five love languages, and after 2.8 miles, I am nearing the corner to home, and there is Scott, two blocks before home. And without the dog. What is he doing there, and without the dog, I am wondering? Clearly waiting for me, is everything ok? He is standing there in the heat, two blocks before home, and in his hand is a water bottle for me. I think I just about fell in love with him all over again, 24 years later. Because this is who he is, and how he thinks, lives, and loves. I have often joked and perhaps it’s a bad joke, that he can’t do better than me. But the truth is, even though I can get a little crazy, and life isn’t perfect. Sometimes quite tense…. I know without a doubt, that I can’t do better than him. And that his first thought is always, how can I be there for her and for them. This is the premise of the book. You can change your love language, or learn a new one. Maybe we just got lucky enough to drive each other crazy with our similarities. But you have to want to learn how to love more deeply and be courageous enough to try. You have to want to love.