Finished Query in Need of Feedback

[Larnce]

It was challenging, but I think I have a decent first draft for my first novel's query. Any and all feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Dear Agent
The Divine Seer prophecized that between the two final Blue Moons, the Travenhall Empire will fall and rise again, the titans of the mountains will devour the land and reshape it in their image, and the seal that separates the world of the living from the Great Beyond will shatter. All of this will not be caused by some great evil, but instead, be brought upon by Travenhall’s greatest hero.
Don Traveler, an eccentric young magician, embarks on a quest to reunite with his long-lost family and recruits the jaded shapeshifting thief, Shalnark, to escort him on his journey. Don’s only vivid memory of his family is his father’s love for the Blue Moon Festival that only happens every eight years. After an incident with the all-powerful Church of the Holy Trinity, the duo finds themselves on the run. Meanwhile, a zealous bishop intends to start a bloody crusade that could jeopardize Don’s quest. Don has the power to save countless lives, including his family’s, but doing so means he will miss his chance to ever meet them.
Though The Blue Moon (130,000 words) is the first novel in an intended epic fantasy series, the story can be well received as a standalone novel. Throughout the series, new protagonists will be introduced, but which one will end up being Travenhall’s greatest hero will keep the readers engaged throughout.
I am a seasoned war reenactor of medieval battles and practitioner of historical European martial arts. I have used my personal experiences of fighting on the front lines in medieval ranks to write realistic engaging skirmishes as well as believable fight scenes between armored combatants. I believe sticklers of the fantasy genre will enjoy the attention to detail while general audiences will still find the story and action appealing.
Thank you for your consideration.

[Scott]

Hi Larnce,
What do you mean by new protagonists being introduced throughout the series? Does each hero get his own book? How do you ensure continuity across the series with multiple heroes? It sounds like a cool idea, just wondering how you pull it off.

Is this the whole prophecy or a summary? It whole, I wouldn't use, the DS said that... I would just use the words and italicize them. Set them apart. If it's a summary, I would cut it down more. You don't need all the details for a blurb. An old prophecy said bad things will go down, not due to evil but caused by a hero. Seems that last bit is more important than the prophecy itself.

In a blurb, you need to get to the main conflict and you shouldn't get bogged down in introducing people and stuff. Don, Shalnark, the Festival, the Church, a zealous bishop, is all too much.

Words like, after the incident and meanwhile make it sound like a play by play. Or a synopsis. In the blurb, I think it's better to stick with introducing your hero, explaining his goal, and what's in his way, the conflict. He wants to see his family but may have to choose between finding them and saving countless lives.

Since you started with the prophecy, you may want to come back to it at the end to reveal its importance. You do that in the description of the series, but if the book truly stands alone, you have to show its significance to Don as well. If the prophecy is only there to tie the series together, it doesn't really belong to this story and should be left out.

Okay - I have to ask. Is that a real name? If it is, I'm curious about the history and if you have really cool parents.

Those are just my two cents. I hope it is useful. Good luck!
--Scott

[Larnce]

Hi Scott

To answer your first question: My writing style is a bit unique. The narrative of this whole series will revolve around several characters that could be considered the "main character." Even in this one book, it can be challenging to pinpoint which of the 4 POV characters is the one you should root for. I chose Don for the query, but this same query could be written with Shalnark as the main focus and it would still fit the book. Four different people could read this book and feel that their favorite POV is the main one. It's challenging to write but it makes for a rewarding story.

The first paragraph is the whole prophecy. I've been on the fence about including the prophecy or not. I've had more people say to gut it than keep it so it'll likely be canned. I just liked it for its intriguing hook of a cataclysm brought on by a hero rather than some ancient evil, but I don't know if it is worth keeping in this book's query.

As for my name, it is real. It was my grandfather's name. His parents wanted to name him Lawrence, but my great grandmother didn't know how to spell it, so she decided to write it how it sounded in a deep southern accent. So for 2 generations, my family has decided to pass this misspelled name down the line and it will die with me. xD

[Scott]

This sounds really interesting. That's why I wanted to know how you plan to introduce your heroes. If they are all in the first book, I would include them in the query. Not including them seems like you're withholding an important piece of your concept.

Your idea is outside the box, an area many agents won't want to go. So, you're going to have to really sell it. Do all four characters complete a story arc and go thru some change by the end? That's a tall order. If you can pull it off, you still need to convince prospective agents the overall book still has focus and doesn't feel disjoined.

Think about the book as a whole. Four heroes, one shared quest? Or Four heroes each with his own quest, but a shared destiny? I'm guessing, but you know the story. Try to figure out a way to sell the four heroes idea as a unified concept.

And thanks for the history. What a great story! Do you dislike the name or just hate children? Cheers!

[Larnce]

All four characters in this particular book are a part of the same story. They all have their own arc, but their goals are all deeply intertwined with one another. They each have their own quest, but that quest is directly related to a single narrative within the same locations. If I delete the first paragraph, I may have enough room in the query to include all four characters.

I just think my name's time has come xD

[Scott]

Also, read some agent blogs to see what they consider to be a deal-breaker (if you haven't done that, yet). I like your concept but like I said, it's going to be a hard sell -so be sure everything else is on point. For example, your word count may be high. I didn't mention it earlier because it's usually higher in fantasy and if you had a conventional story line that might be okay. But you don't want two strikes right off the bat. So just check and see exactly what they consider to be the maximum. Find out what they look for in a query and try to hit as many of those buttons as you can. If you miss too many, they may assume you don't understand narrative fiction either. Good luck with it!