Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
>
Adventure Fantasy Query — Looking for Merciless Feedback
date
newest »
newest »
Scott wrote: "First, I wouldn’t say partner and self. Actually use names and introduce yourselves. The query should be personable. Second, general advice is to not mention a book is part of a series. The agent /..."Fair points on all sides. I appreciate you spending the time.
Conrado wrote: "Scott wrote: "First, I wouldn’t say partner and self. Actually use names and introduce yourselves. The query should be personable. Second, general advice is to not mention a book is part of a serie..."I do question, though, your point about not letting the agent know that this is the first volume of a longer story, which will definitely span across multiple books. I would not want anyone to get the wrong impression that this is a "standalone" novel, because it isn't. It isn't a series, either, however, not in the sense of it being "episodic"—the story instead flowing from one book to the other. I have explained this is in past "query letter" efforts and found that it makes the letter longer than I think anyone would like. I try not to pass the 400-word mark. And there is a point about halfway into this first book that where it can be split from the second half; but there are enough examples in the world of literature where authors have gotten away with publishing a very long debut novel, what makes them the exception is only their being very persistent: this is something I can be.
Yeah, I tried to point out that a writer not mentioning a series isn’t my opinion. It’s just conventional query wisdom. The first book must be able to stand alone. Read any agent blog and you will see the same message. And yes, there are plenty of examples of authors who have broken the rules. But the truth is that when you or I or anyone write a query, the odds are against us. Agents respond to a relatively small number of queries and the number of deals are smaller still.
You do need patience and faith, but when you go against the grain, you are lowering your odds even more. But I sincerely hope you prove me wrong! Best of luck!
Scott wrote: "Yeah, I tried to point out that a writer not mentioning a series isn’t my opinion. It’s just conventional query wisdom. The first book must be able to stand alone. Read any agent blog and you will ..."Well, I definitely don't mean to put a negative turn to your very valuable advice—I've already made changes to the overall query because of your comment. So know that I appreciate it.
Hi Conrado,You are very brave for putting your query out there to be reviewed for merciless feedback. I put my comments in caps below.
I’m writing on behalf of my partner and myself, hopeful that you will find a kindred flame in reading our debut series PINK ROOM, the first installment of which we have subtitled LORD OF MUSHROOMS ***[THIS RIGHT HERE IS A LITTLE CONFUSING. I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD END IT AT "OUR DEBUT SERIES PINK ROOM" IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE TWO DIFFERENT BOOK TITLES.]***—overall styling it a misbehaving fantasy adventure—and what beta readers have described as being crazy, strange and a wild ride. [YOU NEED TO NAME THE ACTUAL GENRE OF YOUR STORY. IE. ADULT FANTASY, YA SCI FI, MG FICTION, OR WHATEVER. THIS IS IMPORTANT. THE AGENT WANTS TO KNOWN YOU'VE DONE YOUR RESEARCH ON THEM AND WHAT YOUR SENDING IS ACTUALLY IN THEIR WISH LIST. ALSO DON'T MENTION BETA READERS. YOU COULD MENTION COMP TITLES INSTEAD] Here is the blurb:
One cold autumn night [YOU'RE STORYTELLING A LITTLE TOO MUCH; THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF A SYNOPSIS INSTEAD OF A QUERY], beckoned by the malodors of mischief and mildew, the mysterious Lord of Mushrooms surfaces from out the shadows of an abandoned theme park (someplace deep within the wet American northwest) in pursuit of a certain thieving pirate. [THIS IS A VERY LONG FIRST SENTENCE AND IT'S EASY TO LOSE YOUR READER'S FOCUS. MAYBE TRY TO BEGIN IT LIKE, "IN PURSUIT OF A THIEVING PIRATE, THE LORD OF MUSHROOMS SURFACES FROM THE SHADOWS OF AN ABANDONED THEME PARK. **ALSO IT MIGHT HELP TO SAY THE LORD OF THE MUSHROOM'S NAME] Naturally [WHY WOULD THIS BE NATURAL? AS READERS WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE LORD OF MUSHROOMS SO WE WOULD NOT JUMP TO THE CONCLUSION THAT HE WILL HAVE ESCORTS], the unholy tourist is not without his amusive escorts: an entourage that includes one foul enchantress and a set of homicidal bickering mushrooms, who insist on addressing His Lordship as Pops. ["POPS" THIS WAS KIND OF FUNNY; NOT SURE IF THAT WAS YOUR INTENT] A spectacle of rather unearthly festivities engulf the quiet evening; unwary troublemakers perish; devilry is offhandedly inflicted; and where witchcraft is cast upon the undeserving in such a way that a nebulous mess is made of the whole affair. [THIS WHOLE LAST SECTION IS CONFUSING. YOU JUMP FROM THE LORD OF MUSHROOMS AND A THIEF TO WITCHCRAFT, DEVILRY, AND UNEARTHLY FESTIVITIES. IT FEELS LIKE YOU WERE GOING DOWN ONE PATH AND THEN SUDDENLY TOOK A SHARP LEFT]
At which point, Alexander the Pirate (a suffering altruist whose deeds have only the tendency to appear villainous on the whole of things) [REMOVE EVERYTHING IN THE PARENTHESIS - WAY TOO MUCH STORYTELLING] slithers his way into the fore of the drama, [WHAT DRAMA EXACTLY?YOU'RE NOT GIVING US A GOOD SENSE OF THE CONFLICT. THE STAKES.] forcibly commandeering the helm of this miraculous misbehaving tale. What follows is a treasure trove of the most whimsical black flag adventures and extravagant chicaneries: in where the dreamscape of a strangely familiar world, one which has become ambiguously burned into biblical scriptures [BIBLICAL SCRIPTURES LOL, THIS SEEMS SO RANDOM] and thus forgotten—an ancient playground guarded by mythological forces yet unknown—is at long last aroused…
The manuscript is complete with 191,223 [I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOUR GENRE IS SO I CAN'T SPEAK TO YOUR WORD COUNT, BUT IT SEEMS VERY HIGH. MOST AGENTS DON'T WANT TO READ A DEBUT NOVEL OVER 100K] words, more than half of it having already gone through rigorous editing. [DON'T TELL THEM YOU PUT IT THROUGH EDITING] Know that we are tirelessly perfecting both the writing and the story [SAYING THAT YOU ARE PERFECTING THE WRITING AND THE STORY MAKES IT FEEL LIKE YOUR NOVEL IS NOT READY YET. AGENTS WANT YOUR STORY TO BE COMPLETELY FINISHED BEFORE YOU PITCH IT TO THEM] just as we are perfectly conscious of the word count, doing what we can to trim it where pardonable.
OVERALL COMMENTS: Your query has a lot going on and it's not focused. There are certain questions you need to answer in every query: Who is your main character? What does your character want? What is standing in your main character's way? You build your query around those concepts. I'm assuming your MC is The Lord of Mushrooms. So begin with "John, The Lord of Mushrooms, surfaces from the shadows of an abandoned theme park, in pursuit of a pirate thief" **Just made up the name John** Right away we know your MC and we know some of the conflict. Next you need to hint what the pirate stole. Why it is important to the Lord of Mushrooms? What are the consequences if the Lord of Mushrooms doesn't catch the thief? In your 2nd paragraph you spend a lot of time on Alexander - he almost sounds like your MC and if so you should start off the query with him. "After stealing from the Lord of Mushrooms, a pirate named Alexander escapes to an abandoned theme park." Or something like that.
Sorry if that was brutal. I tried to be as helpful as possible and just know you're not alone :) queries are so hard to write.
-Leah
Leah wrote: "Hi Conrado,You are very brave for putting your query out there to be reviewed for merciless feedback. I put my comments in caps below.
I’m writing on behalf of my partner and myself, hopeful th..."
The query letter is looking much different now, I'd say leaner and meaner, after reading your guys' comments. Thank you Leah. And thank you Scott.
Leah wrote: "Hi Conrado,You are very brave for putting your query out there to be reviewed for merciless feedback. I put my comments in caps below.
I’m writing on behalf of my partner and myself, hopeful th..."
I really took your advice to heart and revised it, almost redoing it completely. I think your points about not really knowing who the main character is or either really what fuels the story, in general, stuck with me most.
Anyway, I added my revised version in the original post. Is there anything I can help with, as well? Maybe you'd like an extra set of eyes for your project? Let me know.
All the best,
Conrado
Hi Conrado,Oh I’m glad that helped, I was worried I might have been too harsh lol. I’d love feedback on my query. I’ll take a look at your revised one tomorrow 😁
—Scott