Query help for MG Fantasy

[Andrea]

Hi, I'm looking for feedback on my query letter. Thanks

Dear Agent,
After visiting your agency’s website and the books you represent, I’m excited for you to consider my MG fantasy novel, The Traharney Chronicles: Banished, complete at 60,700 words.

Four young elfin friends and one of the Queen’s prized unicorns are wrongly accused and banished to the island deemed the dumping ground for the surrounding kingdoms undesirables.

It all started when Thalia refused to give up her newly found treasure, a long forgotten glowing gem. It made her feel strong and powerful, but as with all treasures, someone else was seeking it and he would stop at nothing to get it. Before they leave their beautiful home of Traharney, Queen Issla secretly tasks Thalia with finding an elf who might be the key to their return and to help her defeat her usurping brother.

Upon arriving on the island, they will have to make it through the barrier before dark, escape trolls, find food, water, and shelter, and befriend a lonely dragon. The island plays tricks on their minds causing Thalia to forget about finding the elf. It also causes perfect, handsome Thadd to revert to stealing, shy Rosie to take risks, and brave Oli to have the worst luck. When their dragon is stolen and their beach home overrun with creatures, they are forced to go inland where a whole new set of problems await them. They do, however, receive a small glimmer of hope as they serve their prison sentence.

I work at my local library aiding the Children’s Librarian in our search for fun adventurous books. I enjoy helping children find books that will open their hearts and minds to new adventures. Member of SCBWI.

The Traharney Chronicles: Banished will appeal to fans of Kiranmala and the Kingdom Beyond Series and The Adventurer’s Guide Series. The first five pages are pasted below. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Andrea Allen

[Scott]

Hi Andrea,
I think this reads a bit like a synopsis rather than a blurb. Phrases like, it all started when, upon arriving, it also causes, make it sound like you are telling a story. Really, those phrases should kept to a minimum in your book, but totally avoided in a blurb.

In some places, there's too much detail. IE, "to the island deemed the dumping ground for the surrounding kingdoms undesirables," when banished seems to be enough for a blurb. And just how many "prized unicorns" does the queen have? Also, we get a laundry list of problems they face, but I'm not sure what the end goal is.

At first, I assumed they would try to prove their innocence but they serve out their prison sentence. I see difficulties that need to be overcome, but not the dramatic conflict needed to hook the reader. Is it defeating the Queen's brother. If so, it needs to be a stronger statement. It's not clear how they can do that while in prison.

Hope that is helpful. Best of luck!
--Scott

[Andrea]

Hi Scott,
Thanks for the advice on the problems you saw. I see what I need to fix and that it doesn't state what their overall goal is. I will get to work and make it better.

Thanks,
Andrea