help with query

[Jenelle]

Hi, *updated version.* All feedback and comments are appreciated, thanks.

Dear, (insert name)

I saw on your wish list that you’re looking for --- YA…… (Or something personalized) I hope you will consider DARKENING WINDS, a YA Urban Fantasy complete at 102,458 words.

Shayleen Cooper uncovers a world full of monsters, which reveals she’s not just another normal seventeen-year-old.

Now she has to fight. No big deal, right? All that stands in her way is imprisonment, ruthless shifters, and hordes of savage beasts, all hell-bent on killing her. Let them try. She smirks as her nails lengthen and become sharp enough to cut glass.

She discovers a heinous plan to unleash hordes of beasts and enslave mankind by a vicious man known as, The Boss. But when he declares Shayleen his secret weapon, the startling truth of what she will become looms upon her. But that’s the least of her worries now. The grotesque horde is closing in, threatening to destroy everyone she cares about. But how can she hope to help them if everyone she gets close to ends up dead or forever altered?


Darkening winds is the first of a planned series.
I am a member of a professional writer’s group in my hometown. My involvement has helped fuel my interest and broadened my creativity for writing.
Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first _____ pages of my manuscript.
I hope you will find my submission to be of interest. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jenelle Theis
phone number
Website or URL

[Alli]

Hi Jenelle!

So first off, this sounds amazing! I'm no expert either but here are my thoughts:

-Make the first 3 paragraphs into 1. It's boring, but it alines better with a standard query letter.
-I might recommend cutting the first 2 sentences. Your story as a whole sounds very interesting but those first two sentences make it sound cliche.
-Give us a little more about how different she is, what makes her that way? You mention claws but it's a little vague.
- Change the '...' to just a period. Again, boring but conventional.

You have a super awesome story here and all in all, the query is strong. Just a few tweaks to make it a little more visually pleasing to agents will help a ton. Best of luck!

[Jenelle]

thank you!

[Leah]

Hi Janelle,

Queries can be so hard to write - I am in the query trenches as well. I copied your query below and left my comments in caps.

Dear, (insert name)

I saw on your wish list that you’re looking for --- YA…… (Or something personalized) I hope you will consider DARKENING WINDS, a YA Urban Fantasy complete at 102,458 words. (THIS WORD COUNT MAY BE TOO HIGH FOR MOST AGENTS. IN YA GENRE YOU WANT YOUR WORD COUNT ANYWHERE BETWEEN 70K - 90K ESPECIALLY FOR YOUR DEBUT NOVEL)

Shayleen Cooper uncovers a world full of monsters, which reveals she’s not just another normal seventeen-year-old. (MAYBE TRY, "SEVENTEN-YEAR-OLD SHAYLEEN COOPER ACCIDENTALLY UNCOVERS A WORLD FULL OF MONSTERS)

Now she has to fight. No big deal, right? All that stands in her way is imprisonment, ruthless shifters, and hordes of savage beasts, all hell-bent on killing her. (WHY DO THEY WANT TO KILL HER? BECAUSE SHE KNOWS OF THEIR EXISTENCE?) Let them try. She smirks as her nails lengthen and become sharp enough to cut glass. (YOU SHOULD NOT WRITE YOUR QUERY FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE MAIN CHARACTER)

She discovers a heinous plan to unleash hordes of beasts and enslave mankind by a vicious man known as, The Boss. (OK THIS LINE SHOULD BE MOVED UP; THIS IS A GOOD LINE. IT GIVES US THE STAKES AND EXPLAINS WHY THE MONSTERS WANT TO KILL HER) But when he declares Shayleen his secret weapon, the startling truth of what she will become looms upon her. (INTERESTING) But that’s the least of her worries now. (REMOVE THE WORD "NOW") The grotesque horde is closing in, threatening to destroy everyone she cares about. But how can she hope to help them if everyone she gets close to ends up dead or forever altered? (I LIKE THE LAST LINE, BUT IT FEELS LIKE YOU JUMPED TO THE END. MAYBE EXPLAIN THAT BEING A SECRET WEAPON CAUSES HER TO INFLICT DEATH ON THOSE WHO GET TOO CLOSE, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT).

Hope that helps. Also, I attached a YouTube Link below that gives you the word count range you'll need for your book. About 5 minutes into the video, they discuss the word count range for YA.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUIDg...


-Leah


Darkening winds is the first of a planned series.
I am a member of a professional writer’s group in my hometown. My involvement has helped fuel my interest and broadened my creativity for writing.
Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first _____ pages of my manuscript.
I hope you will find my submission to be of interest. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Jenelle]

Hi, thank you for this, so great! I have 1 question? If I have the words- "Let them try" in italics as in internal thoughts make a difference or still not supposed to do? can you say she thought or thinks instead?
Thanks

[Isabelle]

I love Leah's suggestions, and btw, I hope you'll be reaching out to agents who've expressed an interest in Buffy, as this is giving me "Season 5 Dawn" vibes!

For your question, I wouldn't recommend including italicized internal thoughts into your query. "Let them try" is fine. But the way the following line is worded is more suited for the manuscript than the body of a query: "She smirks as her nails lengthen and become sharp enough to cut glass." Consider rewriting that part with a summary style (that still has voice and energy).

[Jenelle]

Thank you for your help. I will try that suggestion. :)

[Leah]

Hi Jenelle,

Personally, I would remove that whole line. It's stronger as, "Now she has to fight and all that stands in her way is imprisonment, ruthless shifters, and hordes of savage beasts, all hell-bent on killing her." (I removed the "no big deal, right?" line)

But if you really want to add in that line (as a writer I know the feeling of not wanting to lose a line you love), you can't write it from the perspective of the MC. That's a big no for agents. Instead you could say, "Now she has to fight and all that stands in her way is imprisonment, ruthless shifters, and hordes of savage beasts, all hell-bent on killing her. To Defend herself, Shayleen, lengthens her nails and turns them into sharp weapons that can cut through glass." Or something along those lines.

It feels like you really just want to include Shayleens' ability into the query, but to be honest it's not needed. Her ability could be a nice surprise for the reader, when reviewing your story.

Hope that helps.

-Leah