Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query (I'll read yours if you read mine?)
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Hi, You should have your title in all caps. "Ari has nothing left to give to this quest," I found this line confusing. What does that mean? Maybe elaborate a bit. I like it though. But I am no expert. I have a query post asking for help right now... I did find it interesting.
Jenelle wrote: "Hi, You should have your title in all caps. "Ari has nothing left to give to this quest," I found this line confusing. What does that mean? Maybe elaborate a bit. I like it though. But I am no expe..."Thank you! That's exactly the kind of advice I'm looking for :) I'll go look at yours!
I suggest that you add a couple of comps at the end of the first line. Like THE SPACES BETWEEN can be compared to BOOK 1 meets BOOK 2. That way the agent has a better idea of where your book fits on the shelf. There's a lot happening in this query. Are the criminals that she's teamed up with living or dead? Are the dead characters the good guys and the fairy tale characters the bad guys?Is her quest to find her dead brother or prove her innocence. She doesn't seem like an innocent character. Hopefully that helped or gave you something to think about.
Let me know and maybe you can give my query a read.
James wrote: "I suggest that you add a couple of comps at the end of the first line. Like THE SPACES BETWEEN can be compared to BOOK 1 meets BOOK 2. That way the agent has a better idea of where your book fits o..."Hi James,
Thanks for the comments! I'll definitely give yours a read :)
One question, do you think there is too much going on or is it enticing that things are not very clear? Mystery is a big part of my book so I want the query letter to have a "wait, what" effect, but not to the point of plain confusion.
Thanks!
alli
James wrote: "I suggest that you add a couple of comps at the end of the first line. Like THE SPACES BETWEEN can be compared to BOOK 1 meets BOOK 2. That way the agent has a better idea of where your book fits o..."Hi James,
I couldn't find your query posted to the board. If you want me to read it you can send it to me via email too. Just let me know! Thanks,
Alli
alli,I do think there is a lot going on in your query but that does make it interesting. I just thought the Peter Pan storyline was overshadowed by the pyromaniacs.
I'm including my query here:
Dear Agent,
I know you’re looking for (bonding research info goes here) and my 70,000-word novel, MOB TREASURE fits the bill. Inspired by Meyer “THE MOB’S ACCOUNTANT” Lanksy’s rumored hiding of millions of dollars, and the hunt to find it. Think Goonies meets The Godfather or even National Treasure meets The Last Treasure.
Sixteen-year-old Joey Lasky lived in a fantasy world of mafia kingpins and hitmen fueled by stories from his grandfather. Now he feels lost and alone as his beloved grandfather has died.
Armed with a book – Treasure Island - filled with clues sent to him after his grandfather’s death, Joey and his best friend fly to Miami to search for the hidden “treasure.” Joey knows the hunt will be dangerous because his grandfather was a notorious mob boss and the new mob boss has threatened him. Claiming the hidden money is theirs, the mob will stop at nothing to get it, including killing anyone who stands in their way.
After taking an Art Deco Walking tour, Joey assembles a crew that includes his best friend, a savvy tour guide with underworld connections, and Beth - who captures his heart. Joey’s yearly visits to his grandfather acted as a training ground for treasure hunting but did not prepare him for murder, kidnapping, and gun-toting mobsters. The adventure takes the crew through the beautiful hotels and mansions of Miami Beach’s Historic District.
James wrote: "alli,I do think there is a lot going on in your query but that does make it interesting. I just thought the Peter Pan storyline was overshadowed by the pyromaniacs.
I'm including my query here: ..."
Awesome, thank you for your feedback! It's much appreciated :)
Your book sounds so cool!! Overall it really caught my attention and if I were an agent I would probably read the first chapter.
Few things:
- The second sentence confuses me a little bit, should there be a comma in between The Mob Accountant and Lanksy's?
- watch the tenses ("the new mob boss has threatened him" or "the new mob boss threatens him"?) (Also keep that first sentence in paragraph 2 in the present tense "Lasky lives in a fantasy world...when his grandfather dies, he feels lost..."
-The last paragraph is super awesome!
Overall great job :) Let me know if you have any questions!
Alli
Hi Alli,Queries can be so frustrating. I thought it would be easier to put your query below first and then put my thoughts in caps.
The Spaces Between is an 89k YA Contemporary Fantasy that deals with murder, not-quite murder, friends, enemies, and all the spaces in between.
(NEW PARAGRAPH) Ari is a teenage monster hunter whose search for her dead brother (IF HER BROTHER IS DEAD, WHY SEARCH FOR HIM? MAYBE TRY "SEARCH FOR HER MISSING BROTHER") traps her in New York City, an underground prison system for exiled fairy tale characters. The only way to find her brother and prove her innocence (WHY IS SHE TRYING TO PROVE HER INNOCENCE? WAS SHE ACCUSED OF KILLING HER BROTHER? IF SO, MENTION THAT) is to win Peter Pan’s twisted game of murder and deceit. (THIS IS A GREAT WAY TO END YOUR SENTENCE; IT DREW ME IN)
Ari teams up with a band of sewer-dwelling pyromaniacs to unravel the mysteries of Neverland’s game. (NICE LINE) The only instruction is to win at all costs (YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE MORE SPECIFIC HERE). Ari has nothing left to give to this quest, until she forms friendships with the criminals she planned on using. But in a world where prison shackles are tattooed around wrists and even death isn’t a sure-fire way out, Ari’s friends have motives of their own. (THIS IS YOUR STRONGEST LINE; I WAS HOOKED HERE) Ties between the living are tested against loyalty to the dead (THIS MAKES ME THINK THERE IS SOME KIND OF WAR BETWEEN THE LIVING AND THE DEAD; NOT SURE IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE GOING FOR, BUT IF SO GREAT) in an aged-worn dance of hero and villain, where only one can come out on top. At least, that’s how the story is supposed to go. (LOL I LIKED THE WAY YOU ENDED THIS)
Thoughts: Great premise. I would be interested in reading this story. I think you need to explain your conflict a little more. For example, what are the consequences if Ari doesn't find her brother? Was she the one accused of killing him? Was her brother considered a monster, since she is a monster hunter? If she does find her brother will she be able to clear her name?
My query below:
Dear [Soul Mate Agent],
Your #MSWL says you are seeking YA contemporary fantasy, stories “with a speculative twist,” and underrepresented voices, so I thought my debut novel SIGN HOLDER OF SAGITTARIUS might be a good fit for you.
Fifteen-year-old Waken is a Sign Holder—a person sworn to protect his Zodiac Sign from those called DeSindents. Waken’s Sign, Sagittarius, gives him the power to control fire and find any lost object with a moving tattoo. But all Waken wants is to survive high school undetected, while living peacefully in Wichita, Kansas, that is until his annoying cousin Alex (also a Sign Holder) gets noticed by a pair of DeSindents pretending to be classmates.
As Alex comes under attack during a party after school, Waken is forced to save his life but accidentally grabs a DeSindent weapon in the process. Suddenly, Waken’s powers are amplified. He becomes stronger than ever before and is even able to drive away the DeSindents. But when Waken lets go of the weapon, he is filled with a dark energy that makes him ruthless. Unpredictable. And a complete danger to his family.
Matters get worse over time when Waken develops unbearable headaches and crazy thoughts about killing Sign Holders. Realizing what he is capable of, Waken must decide to either stick around and try his frightening new abilities against his enemies, but risk being the one to hurt his family. Or go away so that he is no longer a threat, but also leave his kind without the advantage they need to fight back and end their persecution.
SIGN HOLDER OF SAGITTARIUS is an 80,000-word YA contemporary fantasy, with a dual-POV. It will appeal to fans of Runebinder (by Alex R. Kahler) and Wicked Fox (by Kat Cho).
[Contact info]
Thanks again!
The Spaces Between is an 89k YA Contemporary Fantasy that deals with murder, not-quite murder, friends, enemies, and all the spaces in between. Ari is a teenage monster hunter whose search for her dead brother traps her in New York City, an underground prison system for exiled fairy tale characters. The only way to find her brother and prove her innocence is to win Peter Pan’s twisted game of murder and deceit.
Ari teams up with a band of sewer-dwelling pyromaniacs to unravel the mysteries of Neverland’s game. The only instruction is to win at all costs. Ari has nothing left to give to this quest, until she forms friendships with the criminals she planned on using. But in a world where prison shackles are tattooed around wrists and even death isn’t a sure-fire way out, Ari’s friends have motives of their own. Ties between the living are tested against loyalty to the dead in an aged-worn dance of hero and villain, where only one can come out on top. At least, that’s how the story is supposed to go.