*Trigger Warning* Would anybody be interested in critiquing a suicidal scene?

[B.A.]

I sit against the graffitied brick wall, staring at a group of skateboarders across the parking lot. I try not to think about how they’ll react when they hear the sound and find my body. I don’t want to care.

(Later you say he is in an alley but even so, being in the open where others can see him is inviting someone to stop him. I'm also thinking that he wouldn't really care about what the others think because at this point, he wouldn't been seeing other options and wouldn't want to be stopped. I can picture him peeking around a dumpster of a group of trash cans, feeling like he's nothing but part of the trash.)

I close my palms in on the taped-up grip and press the barrel to the bottom of my chin. My heart is beating fast, too fast.

(Have you ever held a gun like that? If not, get a toy one and try it. Get a feel for it. It's quite awkward. Once you try it, then give that feeling of newness and discomfort at how the gun feels.}

Silent tears escape my eyes as I try to catch my breath.

I’m ready.

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to not to let out a cry as I press the barrel harder to my chin.

(I'm sure you mean his throat under his chin with the barrel pressing into the soft area at the throat}

Just pull the trigger already. Fucking do it!

“What are you doing?” A gruff voice startles me.

(Hmm. I'm sure it would do more than startle him. Fear would flood him. his would jump, his heart giving a hiccup at the sound of a voice, he would jerk the gun away, trying to hide it, afraid of the person speaking)

I open my eyes and Dominick is staring at me from the other end of the alley.

(Way, way too calm. This kid would be panicking. He would be staring in fear, not calmness at this person. This also gives me a feeling of distance that seems unrealistic. The boy would be hiding behind a dumpster or a group of trashcans or someplace where someone wouldn't see him from the end of the alley.}

I don’t know if he knows my name. But I know his. He deals drugs for a ruthless man known as Puppet. I only know one person scarier than Puppet and she gave birth to me. Dominick is 18, two years older than me.

“Nothing. Go away.” I break away from his steel eyes.

(that would be steel gray or steely eyes, either way it's a cliche.)

“You’ve never fired a gun, have you?”

Is it that obvious?

I sniffle and wipe my nose with my forearm. “No, I haven’t. I just found it a couple weeks ago. What’s it to you?”

(delete what he says leaving "What's it to you?" much stronger.)

“Your plan isn’t going to work, I’ll tell you that much.”

(Delete "I"ll tell you that much." Describe how Dominick is looking down at him. Is he calm? How does his voice sound? is his still or are his hands moving?)

“Why? Are you my knight in shining armor who’s going to whisk me away and save me from myself?”

(This doesn't seem to quite fit. He'd be more likely to tell Dominick to go away and leave him alone and that he doesn't need help.)


“Nah.” He steps closer to me and adjusts his backwards baseball cap. “You got the safety on.”

(Give a more appropriate action and leave the bit about the safety being on.)

I don’t suppose it would do any good to ask him how to turn off the safety. I change the subject.

“I know who you are. You’re a-”

“Bad guy? Like whoever did that to you?”

He homes in on my busted lip and the day-old gash on my shoulder. His stare is intense... but safe.
(Give another action for him here. what is he doing with the gun? Is he cringing back into where he was hiding? Does he try to cover up the gash or touch the busted lip with would be normal actions)

“You want me to teach you how to use that gun? Maybe you could use it on the person who deserves it.”
(leave out the maybe.)

hope that helps some. Not bad. My advice, get into the kids head. feel that despair. Feel what he'd do, especially when someone find him. Show him fidgeting, the fear, the uncertainty about this other boy.

[Jeremy]

First, I find ‘the safety’s on’ trope overdone bordering on cliche. For one, on most guns, it would be hard to tell from any distance if the safety of a gun is on or off, especially in the dark. Second there are likely several more obvious ways one could show their inexperience with firearms.

Overall, I think it’s lacking the emotion you are trying for in this scene. There are two many questions. It could because the scene has been taken out of context, but I’m not feeling the main character’s motivation. Why is he killing himself in an alleyway? Why with a gun if he’s not familiar with it? Is it a ‘real’ attempt motivated by something else?

[M.L.]

One suggestion is you might reference the injury earlier. "He homes in on my busted lip and the day-old gash on my shoulder. His stare is intense... but safe. I.e., the pain it still causes, how she can't speak, it hurts to speak. Or maybe the adrenalin rush is overriding the pain from the gash on the shoulder, like if she moves her arm. I think pain from injury should come in earlier. If she is crying, tears could sting the cut lip, etc.

I thought it's a woman (and the 'knight in shining armor' sort of confirmed that). I also visualized her as having a leather jacket on so I didn't expect the gash on the shoulder to be visible.

As for the beginning, I know she didn't die of a gunshot because she is speaking (narrating) so still alive, but it held my interest: will she pull the trigger; will she describe kids rushing over; being in an ambulance if someone yells and distracts her or grabs her hand, etc., so I wanted to see what would happen. That's a good thing. :)

Overall, I thought it was good. It moved and is visual.

[M.L.]

Another suggestion. You could, if you want to, play up this part at the beginning:
I sit against the graffitied brick wall, staring at a group of skateboarders across the parking lot. I try not to think about how they’ll react when they hear the sound and find my body. I don’t want to care. Maybe bring in the pain here: that she would move so the kids would not be exposed to this but it hurts too much to move. In Cloud Atlas there is a suicide scene. It's riveting and sad because the poor guy is thinking more of others than himself.

[M.L.]

And one more comment or two. :) I'm thinking it's in the day because of the kids skateboarding. But clarify if it's day or night. And, reading Jeremy's comment, yes, I agree, it's hard to tell if the safety is on. Dominick sounds rather polite for a hardcore drug dealer.

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Some of this will reflect my personal taste and opinions. Feel free to ignore any of this, especially those parts, if you disagree. I know some of what I will say is nit-picking style choices. But, you're asking for a critique, so I'm going to hit everything.

First, I'm not buying that this person wants to commit suicide. They go to some public place and they're using a method they're completely ignorant of, one that will make a lot of noise and one that is easy to screw up if you don't know what you're doing. Perhaps they don't really want to commit suicide. Perhaps they only want attention. If that's the case, good. 'Cause this works. If your character is truly suicidal, then this doesn't work.

I always find the wording in fiction to be strange in first person, present tense. I read it as if the character is telling me the story as it's happening, which completely takes away any realism the story might otherwise have. Someone who is about to shoot him or herself is going to be highly emotional, whether they're really trying to commit suicide or if it's a cry for help or a show for attention. If that gun goes off, it's going to hurt. Yet, the narrator is telling me all this stuff that's going on so calmly and even taking the time to tell me people are on skateboards nearby, there's graffiti on the wall, and there's tape on the grip of the gun.

Who commits suicide by blowing off their chin?

If this person wants to die, why are they worried their heart is going "too fast"? It's going to stop soon, anyway. For that matter, why be concerned about catching one's breath? I believe you've read a few stories in which details like this were tossed in to make a scene seem more intense. It feels fictional. It doesn't feel real.

I'm hoping there is more to the story before this scene. I know nothing about this character other than he or she is sitting either in an alley or a parking lot somewhere getting ready to shoot off their chin. I have a hard time connecting to this character, therefore have a hard time caring about what they're doing. Might be nice to have a clue as to their age, gender, name, and especially why they are about to kill themselves, if that's really what they're doing.

The narrator says he or she is startled, but I'm not feeling it. He or she seems far too calm about all of this.

I like the name Puppet. This is the first time I'm truly interested in whatever is going on here. The "my birth mother is the worst person in the world" cliche kinda threw me back off, though.

How would the narrator know what Dominick is homing in on? How would Dominick know the wounds on the narrator were inflicted by a "bad guy"?

[L.K.]

A big plus is that I think you have a really interesting scene here, I was quite intrigued by it. To me it seemed like it needed fleshing out a bit more - it sounds a bit like a first draft where you've got the main action in there but it needs a bit more atmosphere adding in. I think B.A.'s comments are really spot on in terms of where to make some adjustments.

Like Dwayne, I'm not keen on first person, present tense. I'm sure there are many readers who would be OK with it, but it doesn't quite work for me.

A couple of things to add: the sentence "Dominick is 18, two years older than me." really stuck out to me. It just seemed like an odd fragment. Perhaps it's to do with the first person, present tense, as your character presumably wouldn't sit there and literally think those words, especially in a highly emotional state.

I'm not keen on the knight in shining armor line. I just don't really believe someone in those circumstances would say that. I guess in general I find your character maybe a little too coherent and calm. Building up emotion in really intense scenes like this can be challenging, and sometimes I will have to revisit scenes which show complex emotions quite a few times when I am writing to really get it right. I don't think you're too far off though. It's an interesting scene, it just needs building up a little.

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

Falynne wrote: "Im glad to hear you liked the name Puppet. I may play more with Puppet's character and how he could relate to this scene."

I don't know if Puppet is needed in the scene, other than what you've already done. I assume this scene is a part of a bigger story and Puppet will play a part elsewhere. No? If so, then leave it at that. Focus on the character with the gun and Dominick. It could be a good scene if you can ramp up the tension a bit.