Science Fiction Microstory Contest discussion
MARCH - 2020 - MICROSTORY CONTEST (CRITIQUES ONLY)
Mod
Invasion by Tom Olbert
A nuclear blast destroys a domed, undersea city. The city that was the home of our female hero who commands more than just a submarine, but sexual will of several males. Using a neural web, she taps into the brain of her lovers, one who is also an enemy male, and she sees a path to destroy them all. The details of the war are unclear, as well as the state of the people on each side and even whom had destroyed the undersea city. Given that the society seems to promote free love, at least for the captain, it's hard to see the nature of the infidelity, even though one female lover is jealous of the captains sexual encounters with these men. The imagery of these sub ocean and terranean cities is interesting, but the story was a little hard for me to follow and required a few read throughs.
Joanne of Arc by C. Lloyd Preville
Women are given control over their marital relationships, including the right to kill their husband, if guilty of infidelity. The story was very clear and flowed well. And although it was mostly dialog, C built a complete story within the limits of the contest. I especially liked the quote, "Men kill for a myriad of reasons, but women only kill for two." I believed she was innocent throughout the story, only to find out she did kill him, but did so by right. Well done.
Betrayal by Chris Nance
A galaxy empire, ruled for 5 millennium by one royal Empress to the next. Betrayals and power struggles remain, causing the current Empress to trust no one, including her closest advisors, one who plans and succeeds in killing her, for his lover, the new Empress. Of course, the new Empress kills him for being a betrayer. Chris somehow introduces complex characters, deep plots and a solid story all within the confines of the word limit. As always, nice job.
'She' is All by Andy Lake
A ceremony to celebrate not just the coming of age, but of equality. Our first-person narrator quietly betrays her society's laws by tracing back her own lineage to one young girl for which she has help to provide "equality." Wonderfully written, building the notion of this society without requiring the narrator to describe it directly to us. The infidelity isn't completely clear to me, but I guess it would be the first-person's betrayal of her society by placing her progeny ahead of the ethics of the culture that she had helped to create.
Jot wrote: "My attempt at criques...not good at this.Invasion by Tom Olbert
A nuclear blast destroys a domed, undersea city. The city that was the home of our female hero who commands more than just a subm..."
I'm sorry I didn't do a better job of getting the meaning of the story across, Jot. There was a lot of material to cover. I thought I'd made it clear during the interrogation scene that this was a war between two parallel Earths, one where matriarchy had prevailed for the past five millennia, the other where patriarchy had. The male universe was invading the femme universe, as I'd thought I'd also made clear in the interrogation scene, hence the male invaders destroyed the underwater city. I thought I also covered the 'state' of the two societies when I pointed out that the male side was overpopulated, polluted, etc. and hungry for new frontiers.
I have to say, I found it a bit disturbing that you assumed she used the neural web to control her male lovers, and that you saw no distinction between her consensual lovers and the enemy soldier she was interrogating (not a lover at all; a P.O.W.), or that you assumed she was out to destroy all males. I hope everyone didn't read it that way.
Mod
> Hetaari, another of Anaara’s lovers, greeted her in the interface chamber. The prisoner…the other sider…
Looks like I miss read this to think Hetaari was a lover and now also a prisoner on the other side.
As I said, I'm not good at this, as my reading skills have never been great. However, your writing normally flows to me where the words disappear and become story. For this story, it lost me several times and even after a few rereads I still failed to see critical elements of the story.
I created this contest to allow for honest critiques of the stories to help us all understand how our work is perceived. It is not meant to be mean by singling out a writer to criticize.
Hi JotThank you for the critique; you did great. Critiques, like short stories, take practice. Tom makes it look easy, but he's quite an act to follow.
Keep at it; I think it's the greatest gift we, as authors, can share with one another.
Otherwise it's all just chit-chat.
-C
Jot wrote: "Sorry Tom, I seem to have missed a lot of the meaning behind the story. Parallel universe? Wow, I definitely missed that.> Hetaari, another of Anaara’s lovers, greeted her in the interface chambe..."
I realize that, Jot; I was not accusing you of bias or meanness. I know we all appreciate your efforts. I know I've enjoyed your stories and I think you're a better reviewer than you give yourself credit for. I was just wondering why I missed the mark so completely in terms of clarity and how I might improve in that area. No hard feelings at all.
C. wrote: "Hi JotThank you for the critique; you did great. Critiques, like short stories, take practice. Tom makes it look easy, but he's quite an act to follow.
Keep at it; I think it's the greatest gift..."
Thank you, C. And, I agree with you that Jot did a fine job on the reviews; well-summarized and in depth analysis.
Jot wrote: "My attempt at criques...not good at this.Invasion by Tom Olbert
A nuclear blast destroys a domed, undersea city. The city that was the home of our female hero who commands more than just a subm..."
Jot, thanks so much for taking the time to critique our work. It's always appreciated.
Thanks for the review, Jot, and your kind comments.You wrote: "The infidelity isn't completely clear to me, but I guess it would be the first-person's betrayal of her society by placing her progeny ahead of the ethics of the culture that she had helped to create."
Yes, exactly so.
(I also slipped in about men's perpetual 'bad faith', which is more or less the etymological meaning of 'infidelity'.)
Now I'm gearing up to comment on the other stories :-)
I have adopted C's story review rating scale. My intent is not to offend or hurt, but simply give feedback and my opinions.1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Invasion, by Tom Olbert
A. Overall story enjoyment: 3
B. Writing quality: 4
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 4
E. Ending strength: 3
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 23 Hypernova stars.
Comments: The story is well written, the concepts are interesting (other-siders, alternate universes, underwater cities, neural web and man-killing virus). I found the last two paragraphs and final sentence choppy, which lessened the impact of the ending for me.
1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Joanne of Arc, by C. Lloyd Preville
A. Overall story enjoyment: 3
B. Writing quality: 4
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 3
E. Ending strength: 3
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 22 Hypernova stars.
Comments: The story is well written and has a Minority Report/V for Vendetta vibe to it. The concept of Joan of Arc day and the legalized murder of men for infidelity (and the history behind it) was good world-building. One question I did have was if the vehicle windows where Ralph’s tryst occurred were blacked, how did the security camera see them? Just a nit I pulled on after I digested the story a second time. The ending felt anti-climactic to me.
1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Betrayal, by Chris
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 5
C. Scientific content quality: 3
D. Emotive quality: 5
E. Ending strength: 5
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 27 Hypernova stars.
Comments: The story is well written and flows as elegantly as Empress Ortensia’s pearlescent robes. There is a definite descriptive richness to the characters and it has a distinct Dune flavor. Two sentences I feel need clarification: “It is!” He declared, plunging his hidden blade in, a synthetic polymer, undetectable by the security scans. If you could squeeze out the words, I would revise to something like: “It is!” He declared, plunging his dagger into her chest. Its blade, a synthetic polymer, had rendered it undetectable by security scans. Victoria, eyes wide in shock, collapsed, the color fading from her face as she bled out on the floor. The entire story has twists, turns, betrayals and double-crosses in spades.
1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
‘She’ is All, by Andy
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 4
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 5
E. Ending strength: 4
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 26 Hypernova stars.
Comments: A peaceful story with good pacing despite its low intensity. Descriptive, thoughtful world building -but also showing how the mother, despite societal admonitions and constructs to the contrary, will still look out for her own daughter. The “O” without the plus or arrow was an interesting touch.
1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Jolia, by Jot Russell
A. Overall story enjoyment: 3
B. Writing quality: 3
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 4
E. Ending strength: 3
F. Compliance with story requirements: 4
Score: 21 Hypernova stars.
Comments: A neutral meeting site between an all-female society and a mixed male-female society was an interesting concept. For some reason Ringworld kept entering my mind, especially with the inclusion of the space tether. The second and third sections felt less developed and fleshed out compared to the first. It was unclear to me why Jolia could not go back if she was pregnant. The action wrapping up the story, with Jolia’s wife also showing up, also felt rushed, with the man conveniently having all the right cards on hand for holiday and spousal visas.
1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
The Marriage of Fi-Gero, by Kalifer Deil
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 3
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 3
E. Ending strength: 4
F. Compliance with story requirements: 2
Score: 20 Hypernova stars.
Comments: I liked the series of news reports from different perspectives, but this did make the story a bit choppy. When Habitat Delta detached from its centripetal anchor, I could only think, “Oh the humanity!” with visions of the Hindenburg collapsing in flames. That’s what the dialogue and imagery evoked for me. However, the story did not quite meet compliance with the theme of an all-female society. Jealousy and infidelity were demonstrated at the altar by Fi-Gero.
1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
The Future is Bright, by Jack McDaniel
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 5
C. Scientific content quality: 3
D. Emotive quality: 4
E. Ending strength: 4
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 25 Hypernova stars.
Comments: The internal dialogue here is fantastic and moves the story forward well. Gender roles are reversed in this alternate future or universe. It is unclear which it is. God is a She, and women are closer to Her than men are. It had a “White Man’s Burden” vibe to it (never saw the movie, but the concept is similar). The ending brings the man’s thought process full circle, back from his own aspirations to harsh reality. It is powerful and funny at the same time. After criticizing the fat, kept man for selecting diet soda, he does the same. The story has more of a fiction versus sci-fi feel to it in my opinion.
Thank you, Justin, for your detailed and honest reviews.
Here are some comments on a first group of stories.INVASION by Tom Olbert
There’s a lot happening in this story – I really like the premise and the glimpses of the competing worlds, but I think you’d need at least a novella really to do it justice. I’d certainly read it if you wrote it.
As it stands, from about halfway through it feels more like a synopsis of the events. There’s a fair bit of an omniscient narrator telling what happens rather than action playing itself out. The result is that loses it the energy of the first half and the earlier engagement with the characters. You’ve got a huge canvas in mind to paint, and unfortunately it can’t all fit on the microstory postage stamp.
Joanne of Arc by C. Lloyd Preville
A good flow to this dialogue-driven story based round an incident where the values of the matriarchal society play out in practice. Some amusing touches on the way, with the AI prompts. Not sure about the poem in the middle, but it’s an interesting touch to have Joan of Arc as a kind of turning point for this alternative history. (Is it a turning point? That would be 500 years rather than millennia. The 5 millennia in the prompt is actually an unlikely period for one culture to endure, so happy to give a pass on that to anyone.)
In France Joan’s a saint, but over here she’s generally regarded as a deluded fruitcake. (That observation makes no difference to the appreciation of the story, btw!) But here as a feminist icon she plays her part.
Betrayal by Chris
Pacey and smoothly-written story that hits the prompt’s requirements on the nose. Treachery itself betrayed seems a fitting punishment, it’s a kind of morality tale in its own way. Others have commented on a Dune feel, but I have to confess I’ve never Duned (on the bucket list). So it was more treachery at the court of a female Ming that was evoked for me.
For the most part the sci fi is incidental. This is in essence a kind of timeless tale of Imperial intrigue – could as easily been from any period of history, e.g. the court of Semiramis of Babylon or Catherine the Great of Russia.
Jolia by Jot Russell
Interesting set-up for a story with the contrast between the worlds and a kind of ‘brief encounter’ scenario that has unexpected consequences. The story is a little unbalanced in structure with (for a microstory) quite detailed/visually effective description at the start with a fairly relaxed pace of writing, but then feeling a bit rushed at the end.
I’m left wondering – is this a happy-ever-after ending, or just the beginning of quite a complex set of relationships?
Ambiguity can often provide a thought-provoking ending to a story, but here I’m left feeling the relationships – woman to woman, woman to man, and woman+woman to man+woman – could have been explored a little deeper by editing out some detail and creating the space to do so. Then there’d be more to reflect on as the story ends. For a while I thought it might end with the guy's wife saying, "Jolia, Jolia, Please don't take him just because you can ..."
Actually, there is some element of character development in this story with Jolia's being somewhat conflicted over her relationship and learning stuff on the way - something that could have gone places.
As a general comment, I think one of the hardest things to do in a very short story is get both strong characterisation AND a plot. Often the former tends to suffer in the quest to achieve a viable plot-line.
Yes, Thanks Justin! Now I know what it feels like to be hoisted on my own pitard! LolActually you were generous to give me a 5 for compliance with story requirements since I wrote about an alternate history world about 500 years after Joan of arc, not 5,000 years.
At that time, by the way, there are security cameras in all cars since they're all public autonomous vehicles, but that wasn't spelled out in the story. Thanks for some great input!
Very interesting and colorful reviews, Andy. You have a very artistic insight into story flow.My compliments to everyone who's reviewed this month. It's good to see a variety of viewpoints.
Andy wrote: "Here are some comments on a first group of stories.INVASION by Tom Olbert
There’s a lot happening in this story – I really like the premise and the glimpses of the competing worlds, but I think y..."
Andy wrote: "The 5 millennia in the prompt is actually an unlikely period for one culture to endure, so happy to give a pass on that to anyone.) "
Just a note, Andy: 5 millennia is the estimated time patriarchy has endured. That's why I chose that figure. (And, I didn't mean any one particular culture; just matriarchal culture in general.)
The Marriage of Fi-Gero by Kalifer DeilA distinctive story, quirky and original. The first paragraph in particular has shades of Douglas Adams in the tone and sentence construction of the narrator, and the reference to “the largest actual pipe organ in the Milky Way” has a similar HitchHiker’s feel. Nice touches.
The crisis accelerates from the moment of jealousy at the wedding, so that brings that part of the prompt centre stage, and the news format highlights the rapid pace of developing news. This is cleverly done, because it both shows the events and also reveals how the structures of authority in the society are changing, i.e. in who has control of the narrative.
It wasn’t really clear to me though that it’s a female-ruled society, just GM humans. However/whoever, they are too decadent and are suitably replaced in due course. I was expecting at some point the cultural reference to the Marriage of Figaro to be fleshed out somehow, with the ‘droit de seigneur’ and everything – as a satire on a decadent and entitled aristocracy, there would be some rich pickings there.
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT by Jack McDaniel
Sharp story with good characterisation that goes to town on the alternate universe, with pretty much everything turned around. Even Jesus because Jessa, and it seems the priests are female and tell everyone what to believe.
The story’s a kind of snapshot of no more than a minute or two of someone’s life, when bitterness erupts and a passing wish for rebellion – fuelled by jealousy and a feeling of being hard-done by. The empty cup becomes an extended metaphor for an empty life – the filling of it can either be seen as a sign of hope, or as a sign of conformity as the moment of bitterness passes. Maybe both. Good stuff.
The Myth of Man by Justin
Well-written story that builds nicely, taking us from a bed-time story to the revelation of both a harsh reality and also about the nature of who the women are. Nicely done.
I misdirected myself – or did you deliberately misdirect me, Justin? - with the name “Lisa Sevnyne”. Sevnyne makes me think of someone from Voyager, so I was guessing at her lineage from that.
I like how you conjure up the remains of the Louvre pyramid in the final scene to encapsulate the destruction of the old world and culture. And the rite of passage seems to be earning a bar code, which is kind of fun.
Thanks for the thoughtful review, Andy! It's nice to see you jump in here with both feet.Yes, I got excited about the Joan of Arc alternative history idea, and decided to strip a zero off the 5 millennium requirement to make it all work. My bad.
-C
Mod
C. wrote: "Yes, Thanks Justin! Now I know what it feels like to be hoisted on my own pitard! LolActually you were generous to give me a 5 for compliance with story requirements since I wrote about an altern..."
Hi C! Not hoisting anything, unless it is the flag of CHOAM from the Emperor's gilded palace ship on the plains of Araakis… :) I appreciate your review structure, which gives me something definite to start from, then add a few comments at the end. I wasn't worried about the 5 millennia or 500 years. I didn't feel it had to be a precise measurement of time.
Tom wrote: "Thank you, Justin, for your detailed and honest reviews."You've been consistently reviewing, which I deeply appreciate. Now that I've adopted C's framework, I might get a few more in on a regular basis. Thx!
Andy wrote: "The Marriage of Fi-Gero by Kalifer DeilA distinctive story, quirky and original. The first paragraph in particular has shades of Douglas Adams in the tone and sentence construction of the narrator..."
Ah yes! You got it! The Louvre it was!!! Thank you!!! Notice Jen-Ten's friend was Mona, and her mother was Lisa. The run-together number last names were how they had evolved over time. Alas the story was too short to get to who the disembodied voice was, or why the women were all modeled off of the Mona Lisa, still in her bomb-proof display case on the wall...
Andy wrote: "Here are some comments on a first group of stories.INVASION by Tom Olbert
There’s a lot happening in this story – I really like the premise and the glimpses of the competing worlds, but I think y..."
Andy: You must watch the David Lynch version of Dune at least once. Just once. I watched it first, then read the book and some of the scenes made more sense to me after. I cannot wait to see the new version that is supposedly coming out. Long live the fighters!!!!
Done = Star Wars without all of the nonsense and magic. The David Lynch version is good
Justin wrote: "I have adopted C's story review rating scale. My intent is not to offend or hurt, but simply give feedback and my opinions.1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)..."
Justin! Thanks so much for you review. Definitely some good suggestions!
Andy wrote: "Here are some comments on a first group of stories.INVASION by Tom Olbert
There’s a lot happening in this story – I really like the premise and the glimpses of the competing worlds, but I think y..."
Tom, thanks so much for your review. I really appreciate your comments!
Chris wrote: "Andy wrote: "Here are some comments on a first group of stories.INVASION by Tom Olbert
There’s a lot happening in this story – I really like the premise and the glimpses of the competing worlds, ..."
I believe you meant to thank Andy, Chris. As do I. He's an excellent reviewer.
Whoops. I did. Your name came up in the remark Tom and I instinctively typed it. Sorry, Andy.
So, here it goes again -lol. Thanks, Andy for taking time to critique our work. I really appreciate your comments!
Thanks, Chris and Tom - and no worries!:-)
Andy, thanks for the thorough critique of my story. I really felt cramped by the 750-word limit. I had to eliminate about 500 words and regrettably part of the requirements by mistake. I also eliminated a paragraph illustrating the corruption of the Fi family. I think that's a real challenge when story requirements are piled on. I'm short on time. Can't spin these off in 15 minutes as another entrant claimed.
Would anyone mind reading a story for me? I'm just looking for some feedback. 1200 words, I can email a PDF to you. Thanks.
Send it over! (I'll read it in between sound editing...)
"Joanne of Arc" by C. Lloyd PrevilleA very engaging and darkly humorous police procedural set in the alternate reality of a modern-day matriarchal culture based on Joan of Arc's principle of women poisoning their husbands for the two unforgivable sins of war and infidelity.
A female homicide detective interrogates a female suspect accused of poisoning her husband. When the suspect finally breaks down and admits to poisoning her husband for infidelity, she is cleared of wrong-doing, since killing for adultery is perfectly legal.
Historical data is interwoven with dialogue skillfully enough to avoid undue expository, and the story flow is strong. The dialogue is engaging, strong and entertaining, livened up by the annoying buzz of a bothersome A.I. whispering suggestions in the detective's ear, and a nifty demonstration of nano-tech and holography. It had the feel of an Alfred Hitchcock story set in another world.
I might have liked a bit more personal detail on the POV character, the detective, time permitting. But overall, very well done. A very enjoyable ride.
"Betrayal" by ChrisA ravishing and bloody tale of Romanesque palace intrigue set in a matriarchal galactic empire.
The covert political struggle between an empress and a baroness of equal ambition and ruthlessness is played out through male concubines employed as spies and assassins. Twists and turns, betrayals, allegations of infidelity, plots and counter-plots weave an elegantly bloody royal tapestry that comes to a dramatic and satisfying finish.
Imagery of royal splendor against a background of poetic description of galactic beauty frame a narrative that is exacting in detail and rich in sensory...an excruciating use of suspense as the paranoid dictator takes in every subtle nuance in tone and facial expression, seeking the most subtle indications of disloyalty, in between fanatical rants. Just the right amount of futuristic technology to set the stage, and a perfect sense of aristocratic style and arrogance.
A masterpiece.
Thank you, Tom, for another great in-depth story review. You set a high bar and a wonderful example for new participants or those who have been reticent to write a review.You said, "I might have liked a bit more personal detail on the POV character, the detective, time permitting."
Aye--there's the rub. I had about 5 words left. These micro stories are like making a large pot of chicken broth from a skinny little wishbone.
-C
C. wrote: "Thank you, Tom, for another great in-depth story review. You set a high bar and a wonderful example for new participants or those who have been reticent to write a review.You said, "I might have ..."
Well put. And, thank you.
"‘She’ is All" by AndyA haunting and atmospheric glimpse into a world where the individual has been slated for extermination.
Seen through one woman's eyes, the scene opens at an elegant gathering, a maturation ritual for young women. They dress in robes like novices and cross a glass bridge, symbolizing passage into a new stage of life. The process is overseen by a seemingly benign but somehow frightening architect of perfection known only as Dr. Miriam. The scene itself, like Miriam, is outwardly gentle and inviting, yet ominous, conjuring memories of "Get Out" and "Handmaid's Tale."
In the course of conversation between Miriam and the POV character, Cordelia, it is made clear the world being created is one without gender or individual identity; a world more like a beehive than a world of individuals. Conflict is to be done away with by abolishing individuality and diversity. Cordelia pretends to go along with Miriam's vision, but she quietly and clandestinely watches over Angelique, a girl she has discovered is her daughter. Motherhood proves innately stronger than idyllic vision.
Setting and strong sensory move the narrative along, though the dialogue seems to blur towards the middle of the tale, becoming purely abstract and theoretical, the characters seeming to fade into the background for a bit before they fade back in.
Overall, the well-crafted POV and envisioned landscape held my attention to the end, though it was more vignette than story; not really a beginning, middle or end. Nothing changes. A secret is kept. For how long, we are left wondering.
"Jolia" by Jot RussellThe tale of an extramarital affair and an unplanned bastard pregnancy between two adjoining worlds.
The story opens with a striking and beautiful vision of two neighboring planets, their oceans tidally locked, forever facing each other, the two worlds linked by a space elevator.
The protagonist is a woman who lives on one of these two planets, a completely Sapphic world which banished its men to the adjacent planet long ago. Driven by curiosity, and taking advantage of a limited exchange program between the two planets, she meets and has a one-night stand with a man from the other world, only to discover the next day that he too is married. Returning home to her wife, she discovers she is pregnant with a male offspring and is therefore banished from her world forever. Unable to cross over to the neighboring dimorphic planet due to an expired work visa, she is given legal status by her baby's father, only to find her devoted wife has followed her, in spite of everything.
The story lacked emotional potency, I felt. The revelations of pregnancy, expulsion, separation and then reunion were all rather flat. POV was tenuous towards the end, it was sometimes hard to tell who the pronoun 'she' referred to, and the ending lacked emotional impact, I thought.
Interesting premise and good setting, but I didn't really feel I cared about the people.
"The Marriage of Fi-Gero" by Kalifer DeilA satirical vision of a royal wedding ending in cosmic catastrophe and the fall of a tyrannical dynasty.
A well-ordered and completely oppressive society run by a family of genetically engineered "super" people, announces a royal wedding on an orbiting space station. We are treated to glimpses of an organ recital, celebrity guests and an elegant bride and groom. The groom's wandering eye apparently prompts the jealous bride to storm off and sabotage the space station, causing it to plunge to Earth in a disintegrating fireball with all aboard. Genetically engineered people having proved just as unreliable as ordinary people, intelligent robots suddenly declare that they're taking over the world. Okay.
The story is told at a distance, as a series of news reports; no direct connection or empathy with any of the characters. The conflicting news reports and constant arrests of "fake news" journalists for making negative statements about the ruling class illustrate the kind of society represented. One which simply must fail. It's basically a collage of comical and crazy wedding photos culminating in a benign machine revolution which comes out of nowhere.
Slightly amusing, but not much else, in my opinion.
"THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT" by Jack McDanielA very well-written inner monologue representing a reversed mirror-image of our historically male-centered society.
In a matriarchal culture where everything is reversed; God image, male and female roles, etc...a man grapples with his own jealousy of another man who has a corporate job, while he has nothing to trade on but his looks. His natural human desire for respect and achievement is at war with everything he's ever been taught about women being closer to God and men having their place in the scheme of things, and being thought of primarily as pretty objects to be looked at. He dreams of revolution, but it goes nowhere.
His rage is heartfelt, as he silently condemns the other man for being overweight. That's perfect. The use of detail, focused under a microscope, right down to staring at the bottom of an empty soda cup is priceless. But, of course, nothing happens. It's basically a one-man, one-act stage play, like a male equivalent of the "Vagina Monologues," which I presume was the idea.
I don't know...I guess I was hoping it would end with him burning his athletic supporter or riding a horse naked through Times Square, or winning a tennis match against Roberta Riggs, or something.
"The Myth of Man" by JustinA beautifully expressed dark vision of a strange new world rising from the ashes of the apocalypse.
The story opens with a strongly envisioned scene of a woman knitting by a hearth fire, and her young daughter begging her to tell her again the story of the "Myth of Man." The loving mother tells her child the age-old story of the fall of a civilization told through the generations in a post-apocalyptic world which is composed, apparently, entirely of women.
Later, the girl, now a young woman, must pass a tribal test of passage. She succeeds, much to her delight and receives some form of marking about the neck, which apparently only the ascended may wear. In the next scene, we find her on what is apparently a coming-of-age quest, alone in the driving rain over long-abandoned ruins on a dark night, armed only with a spear. She descends into an underground chamber beneath an ancient pyramid-like structure. Red beams, reading the marks on her neck activate a computer voice which tells her the story of the fallen world and the beginning of her people. It turns out, she is in the ruins of the Louvre, and that she, and all her kind, are based on the image of DaVinci's Mona Lisa.
The use of light and shadow and the heartfelt love between mother and daughter in the opening scene were moving and perfect. The tribal rite of passage and the rift it brings between two childhood friends gave that part of the story texture. (I could feel those marks being branded into her neck.) It all felt real, right through the trek through the dark, rainy night and the entry into the ruined museum. The names of the women were clever derivatives of the name Mona Lisa with a number following, the numbers blurring into pseudo-names. The vision of an evolving new society with all its unique characteristics was very well envisioned.
The ending left me largely puzzled, of course. It's never explained how or why a race of women was created in the image of the Mona Lisa. One strongly implied point was of course that since men destroyed the world, women should inherit it. As Mona Lisa represented man's idealized image of feminine perfection, that might explain why man's best possible epitaph was the living perpetuation of that ideal.
Whatever the reason, the vision itself was beautiful.
"Quartz" by MarianneA bizarre and mythic fable of the destruction of one world and the birth of another.
The narrator, the author of a long-buried message, tells of how a world of women was destroyed when its rulers re-introduce men into their world in an attempt to restore genetic diversity. The story-teller, Nemesis, tells of how she stole a quantum crystal of infinite possibilities and unleashed a great plague which destroyed most men and countless women, altering time itself, out of jealousy when a leader of her society seduces her beloved sister into bearing a male child.
Ages later, the ancient record of her tale, contained in the ancient crystal is found by traveling scholars who must decide what to do with the troubling knowledge.
A myth reminiscent of Prometheus, Pandora and Genesis. Beautifully spun visions, colorful use of metaphor and gentle, intimate detail, from the shifting of alternate timelines to the stirring of a hair in a soft breeze.
At times puzzling, but marvelous.
Quartz, by MarianneMarianne’s stories always bring a richness of language, lots of colour and high imagination, and this is no exception. There are some great lines/phrases/imagery such as “to collect all women together against their deformed sisters, those modified beings called men”, “an Egg deep in the Womb of Mother Earth”, “serpent words”, “Her hands still tingled from its cold surface and fading rainbows” (etc). The effect for me was to transport me to a very different world, as very effective fantasy/speculative fiction writing does.
The narrator “Nemesis” is an interesting character – with strong matriarchal ideals, she's also self-important, inclined to portentous language, jealous, vengeful – almost a god-complex, perhaps, and having the means to change history in a catastrophic way to restore purity. The last couple of lines, with the butterfly and “what have you changed today” is a nice touch reflecting unintended consequences rippling out from a single action – but the narrator’s action is intentional, while the butterfly’s is innocent.
I feel there’s a lot packed into this story, and that the writer has many ideas and possibly characters that are queuing up to get into the story. There are indications of suppressed (or edited-out) backstory, and the introduction of 3 new names in the last third when only Magda is needed for the story is another sign. And something like the quartz orb appears in Silver Hooves (by Marianne, which I've been reading), I think, so perhaps there’s something additional in the way of ideas and imagery migrating across imaginative universes too, perhaps.
Thanks for the critique, Tom. I enjoyed reading its insights. I wanted to write a character-driven story where something is revealed about the main character and an internal tension between the ideals she believes in and something more atavistic that she finds drives her – also reflecting something of the tension between the collective and the individual, as in the double-meaning of the title.
And the prompt got me to thinking, if a matriarchal society over millennia first dominates men, then eliminates them when they become unnecessary, how might it evolve next? So in contrast to our current times with it’s massive emphasis on what some are calling ‘tribal’ identities’, how might it work to smooth out to complete non-differentiation based on a single gender?
I was also trying to create a sense of quiet menace around the society and Dr Miriam but without explicitly saying so, by allusion and context. I’m glad that was evident.
The whole story takes place in no more than 20 minutes, which I think is suitable for micro-fiction :-).
I’m not sure how much all stories need a beginning, middle and end in a classic sense – the middle here is Cordelia’s musing on her ideals, which she still holds too, and the end a kind of point of decision when for emotional reasons she is going to defy the rules and her ideals for her own kin. So it's a psychological arc rather than strictly a narrative one, perhaps.
Mod
I'll have to try to put a little focus on emotion in the next story...
Thanks Andy & Tom for taking the time to comment :) The woman at the end is a character I did in a story called Paradise for this contest some time back. I did not give her a name then. I wondered: What if her world is the result of the altered time/space Nemesis caused. You might recall Paradise. In that story, after Outbreak, Magda kills and field dresses a man she finds as she is relic hunting.
Tom wrote: ""Betrayal" by ChrisA ravishing and bloody tale of Romanesque palace intrigue set in a matriarchal galactic empire.
The covert political struggle between an empress and a baroness of equal ambiti..."
Thanks for your review, Tom! I really appreciate your comments!
And hopefully I got the right person this time! - lol ;)
Wow Tom...thanks for the detailed and very thorough review. The time it must take you - I really appreciate it!!!! So glad you saw my vision!
Everyone did a great job this month. Across the stories, it was interesting to me how folks played with the concepts of Infidelity and Jealousy and how they placed the various matriarchal societies in time and space. It was also very interesting reading about these societies through the eyes of male writers. Great stretch :)
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This Month's Theme:
What if matriarchal culture had endured and predominated over the past 5 millennia?
Required elements:
1) Infidelity
2) Jealousy