Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Feedback on YA Fantasy query (updated)
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Generally, you want at least a sentence to personalize the query for each agent. Essentially to demonstrate that you've done your due diligence and know there's a chance for a fit. The blurb, though, I think can be punched up. I think this is marginally better than the previous version (https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/... for those interested), but your story feels like it has a lot more power in it than is revealed by the blurb.
I suggest you make a list of 4-6 bullet points describing the major plot, character and turning points that happen in the first 2/3-3/4 of the novel and use those as the starting point for your blurb. PM me if you'd like a link to a blog post where I try and detail what I think works best.
Thanks Keith. :)I've kind of done what you're suggesting, but no matter how I go about it, I can't seem to get the query interesting enough. It might be the story that's lacking (even though it's had some great feedback). What I've mentioned in the query is the major plot points.
1. Feed the dragons with prisoners to strengthen them for war
2. Prisoners are released
3. Get suspected of the crime
4. Realize friend is a traitor
5. Feed friend to dragon or be killed
6. Save friend and get sent to ritual sacrifice
7. Run away and realize everything you know is a lie
It doesn't get better than that. LOL
I have this really simple version of the query too, but that got feedback from agents for being too short and too vague instead.
As the Reaper of her clan, Asaleah has fed countless people to dragons. Criminals, traitors, prisoners of war—each has walked to their death beside her. Once the dragons are strong enough, they’ll grow to crush the enemies that stole the clan’s land and their freedom.
Asaleah longs for the coming battle and the new life it will bring, but when the dragon’s next meal turns out to be her best friend, she forsakes her duty to save her friend’s life. For her treason, she is sentenced to ritual sacrifice. Her only way out is to run.
She finds herself at the mercy of a wary elf who offers guidance, and it’s there, in exile, that Asaleah realizes that her sworn enemy is not the evil monster that mothers warn their children about: it’s her.
I'm going to suggest you change the order of your blurb and see if that kicks things up a notch. This is a quickie stab at it, intended to provoke thought on your part:Asaleah is a traitor to her own people. At least that's what she's been told. She's not sure any longer.
First she's accused of releasing valuable prisoners, despite having devoted her entire life to the clan. Her investigation, though, reveals the break was managed by her best friend [I suggest naming the friend], throwing everything she thought she new in turmoil.
To prove herself to the clan, Asaleah must feed her friend to the dragons - their secret weapon for the upcoming war. Her friend, though, puts enough doubt in Asaleah's mind that Asaleah reevaluates her entire life up to this point.
Asaleah realizes her sworn enemies aren't the evil monsters... she is.
Thanks. That way of looking at it actually works really well. Never thought of presenting it in any other way than chronologically. Will definitely give it a try.
I feel like your blurb starts with backstory. The way you've outlined it, that seems valid, but, as we seem to agree, boring. Turning the blurb around (so to speak) allows you to focus on the action and dribble in the 'backstory' as necessary, which usually results in more effective blurbs.
I might have borrowed a little too much of your suggestion here, but I've done an attempt at a version of the query with reverse order like you suggested.Is it better, the same, or perhaps even worse?
As the Reaper of her clan, Asaleah has fed countless people to dragons. Criminals, traitors, prisoners of war—each has walked to their death beside her. Now, she’s a traitor to her own people. At least that’s what she’s been told. She’s no longer sure what she is.
First, she’s accused of releasing the valuable prisoners, despite having devoted her entire life to the clan. She’s even degraded herself to killing for the clan, only so she would one day avenge her murdered brother. Guilty or not, if she’s convicted of treason, Asaleah won’t live to see that day. Her own investigation into the crime, however, reveals the break was managed by her best friend, Kaden, throwing everything Asaleah thought she knew in turmoil.
To prove herself to the clan and escape the death sentence, Asaleah must feed Kaden to the dragons—their secret weapon for the upcoming war in which the clan will reclaim their stolen land and their freedom, and Asaleah’s only chance at vengeance. Kaden, though, puts enough doubt in Asaleah's mind that she reevaluates her entire life up to this point.
Asaleah realizes her sworn enemies aren't the evil monsters... she is.
DEFYING DARKNESS is a YA fantasy with crossover potential. It features an ace/aro main character (#ownwoices) and is a story about finding and standing up for what you believe in while fighting the inner demons. It’s complete at 90,000 words and will appeal to fans of KING OF SCARS by Leigh Bardugo and SORCERY OF THORNS by Margaret Rogerson.
My opinion is the first paragraph isn't necessary. I also think you can cut words and not sacrifice anything at all. My attempt (140 vs 196 words):Asaleah has always considered herself one of the most loyal members of her clan.
Then her world is turned upside down.
She’s accused of releasing valuable prisoners – a death sentence - despite having degraded herself to killing for the clan. All so she would one day avenge her murdered brother. Determined to prove her innocence, Asaleah’s investigation discovers the break was managed by her best friend, Kaden.
To prove herself to the clan - and escape her own death sentence - Asaleah must feed Kaden to the dragons. Dragons: their secret weapon for the upcoming war to reclaim their stolen land and freedom - and Asaleah’s only chance at vengeance.
Kaden, though, puts enough doubt in Asaleah's mind that she’s forced to reevaluate her entire life up to this point.
Perhaps her sworn enemies aren't the evil monsters... she is.
Personally, I'd suggest keeping this - 'as the Reaper of her clan, Asaleah has fed countless people to dragons' - as your first sentence because that was what drew me in initially. It got me hyped xD. I also like the way it ends. The middle could probably be tightened.
Hay Erica,You can start like:
Criminals, Traitors, Prisoners of the war; as the most loyal Reaper of her clan Asaleah has fed countless people of these types to Dragon; unless she was blamed with the most hideous task for a reaper, releasing most valuable prisoners.
Thanks for your suggestions.I completely reworked the query after some additional feedback that it was way too confusing.
Here’s the new version:
Fifteen deaths. It is nothing compared to the vast number of lives Asaleah has taken as her clan’s executioner, but it will be the most important ones. Fifteen enemy prisoners for six hungry dragons, and Asaleah will finally see the day when her services are no longer needed.
Isolated in the outskirts of the world, the De Erian clan has been biding their time, secretly preparing for the war that will vanquish the enemy that stole their land and their freedom. The dragons are the secret weapon that ensures their success. The war is not only Asaleah’s ticket to the new life she so desperately wants, but a way to ensure her people even has a future.
But when the prisoners meant for the dragons escape, the clan’s chief is convinced Asaleah is guilty of the treacherous crime. He is set on sending her to be eaten by the very creatures she’s spent years caring for. Asaleah is determined to prove her innocence.
The only problem: she knows who did it. Saving herself means sacrificing the life of her best friend. Forced to reevaluate her entire life up to this point, Asaleah realizes that perhaps her sworn enemies aren't the evil monsters... she is.
The main thing is it's 'too long' at 209 words. The length isn't a critical failure, if all the words are necessary, but they don't all feel that way to me. Here's my attempt at wordsmithing (183 words):Fifteen deaths. It's nothing compared to the lives Asaleah's taken as clan’s executioner. Fifteen enemy prisoners for six hungry dragons. Asaleah'll finally see the day when her services are no longer needed.
Isolated in the outskirts of the world, Asaleah's clan has been biding their time, secretly preparing for war. War that will vanquish their enemy the who stole their land and their freedom. The dragons are their secret weapon. The war is not only Asaleah’s ticket to the new life she so desperately wants, but a way to ensure her people have a future.
Then the prisoners meant for the dragons escape. The clan’s chief is convinced Asaleah is guilty. Punishment? Send her to be eaten by the very creatures she’s spent years caring for. Asaleah's determined to prove her innocence.
The only problem: she knows who did it. Saving herself means sacrificing the life of her best friend. Forced to reevaluate her entire life up to this point, Asaleah realizes that perhaps her sworn enemies aren't the evil monsters... she is.
The second paragraph is really backstory. In this case I think it works, particularly since you've introduced the main character, but it's usually best to weave those elements in rather than dump them at one.
Two words - "elevator pitch"At the beginning of your query email put in the elevator pitch. The heart and soul of your story. Keep it short and use only one sentence.
That's where you will hook your agent. You can go on to more detail later, or attach a synopsis confident that if they read it, you got the elevator pitch right.
Also check each agent for their submission rules. They can differ and some will not want blurb in the email.
An updated version:
Fifteen deaths. It is nothing compared to the vast number of lives Asaleah has taken as her clan’s executioner, but it will be the most important ones. Fifteen enemy prisoners for six hungry dragons, and Asaleah will finally see the day when her services are no longer needed.
Isolated in the outskirts of the world, the De Erian clan has been biding their time, secretly preparing for the war that will vanquish the enemy that stole their land and their freedom. The dragons are the secret weapon that ensures their success. The war is not only Asaleah’s ticket to the new life she so desperately wants, but a way to ensure her people even has a future.
But when the prisoners meant for the dragons escape, the clan’s chief is convinced Asaleah is guilty of the treacherous crime. He is set on sending her to be eaten by the very creatures she’s spent years caring for. Asaleah is determined to prove her innocence.
The only problem: she knows who did it. Saving herself means sacrificing the life of her best friend. Forced to reevaluate her entire life up to this point, Asaleah realizes that perhaps her sworn enemies aren't the evil monsters... she is.
Old version:
Dear [Agent]
As the Reaper of her clan, Asaleah has fed countless people to dragons. Criminals, traitors, prisoners of war—each has walked to their death beside her. Once the dragons are strong enough, they’ll join the clan in battle and crush the enemy that stole the clan’s land and their freedom.
For a thousand years, and through many generations, the clan has planned for the war that is now just days away. Asaleah longs for the new life, and the fight that will finally vanquish the monsters that murdered her brother in cold blood. But when someone within the clan aids the valuable prisoners in escape and delays the battle, Asaleah ends up a suspect. Desperate to find the traitor and clear her name, Asaleah turns to her best friend, only to find out she was the one responsible.
Now, Asaleah must carry out her duty as the Reaper and feed her friend to the dragons, or break the law to save her and take her place as a traitor. And it’s there, in a feeding chamber stained by blood, that Asaleah starts to realize that her sworn enemies might not be the evil monsters that mothers warn their children about: she is.
DEFYING DARKNESS is a YA fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It will appeal to fans of KING OF SCARS by Leigh Bardugo and SORCERY OF THORNS by Margaret Rogerson.
[A short paragraph about me and my contact information]