What should I do?

[Adrienne]

As I write this post, I sit here crying for a dear friend who died this Monday. This friend and I shared an emotional and complex relationship. In short, we were in love with each other, but we could never be anything more than friends.

A few months ago, during a time when he was pushing for more than friendship, I promised him that I would base one of my romantic heroes on him. This was a promise that I took very seriously, and I have already started working on a novel starring him as the male protagonist... Now that he has passed (tragically, suddenly, unexpectedly), I'm not sure if I can continue, or even if I should. I am so heartbroken, and I don't wish to do anything insensitive to his family.

The promise that I made directly to him weighs heavily on me. He was a very dear and special person in my life...way more than just a muse.

What should I do?

I will be as open and honest as I can if anyone wants more details on this.

[Ren]

Adrienne, I'm so sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you and I only hope and pray that you will get all the support and love that you need.

I can't understand fully how you feel because it did not involve death, but I can understand somewhat because something similar happened to me with a very close friend of mine.

I think it is going to be difficult for you, not only because he is no longer there, but because of the complexity of your relationship and where it may or may not have gone.

This is a decision you will have to make yourself and no one can tell you exactly what to do, but only be there to support you in whatever decision you make. I think you probably will continue to write the novel with him as the male protagonist, but it is just difficult for you since his death was so sudden and recent.

Allow yourself time because it sounds like that is what you need more than anything else. It doesn't have to be a decision you make right now, but I think a part of you knows what it is you want do and as I said, that is where time comes in.

What is it that is bothering you most, other than the fact that he is gone? The promise?

[Adrienne]

Ren wrote: "Adrienne, I'm so sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you and I only hope and pray that you will get all the support and love that you need.

I can't understand fully how you feel because it di..."

Thanks, Ren.

The thing that bothers me most is that he never knew I loved him. I pretended that I just wanted to be friends. The week we graduated from engineering school together, he was leaving to start a job with his family's company. He asked me to go with him, and I said no. I told him I wanted to stay where I was and go to grad school, and I wanted us to be friends.

The truth was that I had just been diagnosed with lupus, I was struggling with kidney disease, and I was depressed. The knowledge that I had something seriously wrong with me that was never going away weighed heavily. I did NOT want to be a burden on him. He was young, handsome, and full of life. I thought he deserved to be with someone who was healthy and at least capable of having a child with him. If I hadn't been sick, I would have taken him up on his offer.

I never told him how much I treasure the time we spent together.

[Paganalexandria]

Adrienne wrote: "As I write this post, I sit here crying for a dear friend who died this Monday. This friend and I shared an emotional and complex relationship. In short, we were in love with each other, but we cou..."

Adrienne, first, so sorry for your loss. You made promise to base a hero on him, but didn't put a deadline on fulfilling that promise. Maybe now is too soon to go there, for you, and possibly his loved ones. Maybe you can put this work aside for a later date, when you have completed the grieving process.

[Ren]

Adrienne wrote: "Ren wrote: "Adrienne, I'm so sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you and I only hope and pray that you will get all the support and love that you need.

I can't understand fully how you feel b..."

Adrienne, that will be the one thing that will probably be the hardest for you to get over. I also think when you are taking the time to get through this you should remember that you did have a great friendship and love for each other in that aspect. It's hard for you to think that he didn't know that you cared so much for him and treasured what you had, but he could have and probably did.

You are feeling a lot of emotions right now and it has to be overwhelming. So whatever it is that you need to do to, and for everyone it is different, just do it. If it's to talk about it for while or maybe write letters then you should. Just so you can get it all out and put everything into perspective.

[Fiona]

Write your feelings down. Write scenes that involve him as a character. You don't need to publish anything...at least not right away. But expressing your feelings by getting them out is always a good thing, even if you end up keeping it as a private remembrance of your love.

[Adrienne]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and comment on this post. I realize this was a very personal appeal for advice, and some might be uncomfortable even trying to chime in. I'm still heartbroken, but I feel I have a better sense of direction for the future. I will put aside the project on which we were collaborating. In a year, I will attempt to revisit the work I've done so far.

Thanks again :-)

[Gigi]

Adrienne, so sorry for this heartbreaking loss. I agree with Fiona's advice wholeheartedly: just write for you first. Publishing will come eventually, or not. But just do it for you. Wishing you so much strength!

[Shiree]

So sorry to hear about your unexpected loss Adrienne, I know from experience those deaths can be so much more emotionally devastating in comparison to a long time illness. It leaves you feeling incomplete when you think of all the things that should have been said and done before this happened.

Maybe the outcome of this great friendship and love will be the story that actually needs to be told within time than the one you started writing for him.

Putting words to paper can actually be a form of therapy using part reality with fiction by giving you the chance to do and say all the things you would have if time had been on your side and circumstances different. My books are fiction mixed with emotional truths that tackles, deal, and consume my anger over my life becoming so much less than I had imagined for myself as a child.

I think if you just drop this all together , the guilt you will feel at not keeping a promise will begin to weigh more than the pain of the loss. Over time, sometimes longer times than other depending on your loss, you heal. The key word is heal. Not forget. You will never forget and there will be times when you're in the middle of something and loss hits you new all over again months and years later.

Allow yourself to mourn as much as you need to as long as it don't stop you from living and doing. I believe those that have died can continuing living vicariously through their loved ones and friends. When that happens you think about them, or smell something that remind you of them. When my granny visits me I smell food when none is cooking and it gives me that feeling of going to her house for Sunday dinner. Warm and fuzzy.

We're here if you just need to talk. The one thing you can be sure of is you aren't alone in your loss because we all have experienced loss.