Not quite a review but Blurb Critique - Would you read this?

[Stephanie]

Hi all

Would love some honest feedback on this blurb, written for my debut adult contemporary romance. For some reason, I've really struggled to condense the novel into a few paragraphs without giving too much away. I'd love to know if there is enough information in the blurb, the overall feel of it, and whether it would draw you in to read the book. Any feedback/comments/observations welcome!


A twist of fate brought us together.

Twelve months ago, I packed my bags and moved over 10,000 miles from London to Los Angeles to escape the painful reminders of my past. New home, new friends, new job.
That was my first mistake.
Those memories were etched on my soul, carried with me wherever I was. No amount of distance or change in scenery could erase them.

Thinking I could resist the smart, sexy as sin businessman lining me up as his next acquisition, who just happened to run the company I now worked for?
That was my second.
Nathan Blake was beautiful. With a smile that knocked women off their feet, he had them queuing up to fall into his bed. And he took advantage of that. Or so I thought.

I’d been second best before. I wasn't about to welcome him into my bed - into my life - only to have him destroy me. Because I knew he would if I let him get that close.

He was all that I didn't want in a lover, yet everything I needed.
I was captured by the intense blue eyes that held a pain of their own. Yet despite his own suffering, Nate was determined to breathe new life into me with his love and passion. He gave me everything. Truth without lies. Love without fear.

Was I finally ready to open up and believe who he really was? To give him the love he craved from me?
I wanted to.

The fire had been lit. His heartfelt words, the electricity that spurred through my veins under his touch and fanned the flames of desire quickly turned into a connection deeper than either of us expected to share.

On the brink of finally putting my past behind me, with another twist of fate, his came crashing forward, threatening to tear us apart.

Thanks in advance!
Steph

[Suzanne]

I'd read it !

[[deleted user]]

I probably wouldn't, but for a specific reason. There are rare exceptions to this, but for the most part I greatly prefer third person tense in books I read. For me to pick up a book in first person, particularly a romance, there would have to be a compelling reason other than a blurb.

Other than my personal preferences though, I would probably read it if it was in third person, but I would be somewhat ambivalent. This seems the typical business exec/poorer woman type romance that has been so popular recently. Not that I don't like them, I do. But there is nothing that really separates your story from a dozen or more others. Hope that helps!

[Becky]

I also rarely go for a first person read. I also typically avoid the flowery stuff "everything I didn't want, all that I needed." "truth without lies" "his heartfelt words". Sounds serious, not fun, which is fine but then for an angsty read you would want to see the exciting, gripping read from there. Perhaps a short excerpt would be more compelling. Or I would drop the last 4 paragraphs and end with "if I let him get close"

[Janie]

I agree with Becky. Stop after 2 or 3 paragraphs. The rest is not needed.

[Stephanie]

Suzanne wrote: "I'd read it !"

Thanks Suzanne! Would you mind explaining why in terms of what you think the story is about? (Does that make sense?)

I want to make sure the blurb captures the essence of the story, and who the main focus is on in terms of resolving the issues stated etc.

Thanks.

[Stephanie]

Melly wrote: "I probably wouldn't, but for a specific reason. There are rare exceptions to this, but for the most part I greatly prefer third person tense in books I read. For me to pick up a book in first perso..."

It does help, thanks Melly!

I've written in first person past tense. For me, I can't get into books that are first person present. I guess that's why there are different styles and genres out there - something for everyone!

I appreciate you coming back to me with your thoughts. I understand where you're coming from re the 'usual' storyline. A lot of books I've read and seen lately tend to focus on the man who's the sexy exec but with issues around being able to love and so on, the heroine of the story is the one falling in love quickly and professing her love while he refuses to accept it. Mine isn't that.
Yes he's a bit of a player, yes she's at a low point when they meet, but she isn't a pushover. She will stand her ground. And when it comes to it, it's because HE loves HER that she grows stronger, he puts his own heartache aside to help her overcome her problems.
IMO that's what differentiates my story. Maybe that didn't come across in the blurb? If not, it's good to know.
I'm presuming when you say third person tense, you're actually referring to the whole book and not just the blurb? You sort of said it but I wanted to double check as a lot of blurbs are written third person tense when the actual story isn't. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Thanks again for your input.

[Stephanie]

Becky wrote: "I also rarely go for a first person read. I also typically avoid the flowery stuff "everything I didn't want, all that I needed." "truth without lies" "his heartfelt words". Sounds serious, not f..."


When you point those out, I can easily see how the "flowery stuff" could be removed! Thanks!

Good to hear your thoughts. There is tension in the story but a lot of lighthearted moments - they have quite a fun flirty romantic relationship.

I agree it is too long and more work is in order!

Thanks for your input.

[Stephanie]

Janie wrote: "I agree with Becky. Stop after 2 or 3 paragraphs. The rest is not needed."

Thanks Janie. Will do some more work.

[Suzanne]

Stephanie wrote: "Suzanne wrote: "I'd read it !"

Thanks Suzanne! Would you mind explaining why in terms of what you think the story is about? (Does that make sense?)

I want to make sure the blurb captures the ess..."
I visualize a young woman in emotional pain, wanting to leave the cause of her pain behind and start fresh, avoiding the mistakes of the past. She is learning the potential to be hurt still exists if she wants to live her life fully and open her heart to trust and love.
Did I get it?

[Becky]

Reminds me of the famous quote " I would have made it shorter if I'd had the time"! The longer blurb gives an impression that the content might become repetitive. Exploring feelings is great but when there is more inner thinking than dialogue/relationship, many readers complain they have been "told" rather than "shown". I'm wondering if you could have a little blurb with dialogue which could capture interest. A shorter, tighter blurb can also work.

First person past is tough as it implies it's all in her head...there are very few heads I'd want to spent a whole book inside, you might have to be Dalton Trumbo to pull that off! do you have flashbacks with dialogue scenes in present tense?

One challenge is balancing the lighthearted moments with the emotional pain. The blurb evokes the emotions but not the romance as much. Perhaps a reference to it...to bring the thrill of it to mind. There is some implication he is a healing force for her. These stories can be wonderful, but especially with the flowery prose, also might give an impression of an inspirational read. Of course, there is an audience for that, but many won't read (I won't read much inspirational...Redeeming Love was an exception but most are more preachy than I'd want to read).

PS take me with a grain of salt, I'm no writer--my only credentials are as voracious reader and an English major :)

[Sarah :)]

I myself prefer First person, i think its giving to much away and needs to be shortened. This sounds like a book i would enjoy reading though :)

[Stephanie]

Suzanne wrote: "Stephanie wrote: "Suzanne wrote: "I'd read it !"

Thanks Suzanne! Would you mind explaining why in terms of what you think the story is about? (Does that make sense?)

I want to make sure the blur..."

In one! Thanks.

[Stephanie]

Becky wrote: "Reminds me of the famous quote " I would have made it shorter if I'd had the time"! The longer blurb gives an impression that the content might become repetitive. Exploring feelings is great but ..."

I appreciate your comments as a reader Becky. This is a slight diversion from the original thread but I wanted to clarify a few things. To quote from a Writers Cafe thread:

"Most first-person books are written in past tense. Example of first person present tense - my bag slams into the table and the vase wobbles slightly.
Example of first person past - my bag slammed into the table and the vase wobbled slightly."

In my story there are no flashbacks. All the narration relates to what is happening at that moment (aside from if there are thoughts referencing the past). There is plenty of dialogue.

I understand what you mean about inner thinking/spoken dialogue and shown relationships. I also get your concerns about an inspirational read. I can assure you, it isn't one of those types of stories! Hopefully I've achieved the right balance. I have to say there isn't pages and pages of inner monologue.

Anyway, in relation to the blurb, I've taken your comments on board and written a new shorter blurb.
Would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks.

[Stephanie]

Okay new shorter one:

London to Los Angeles. New city, new friends, new job. Twelve months later, I thought I’d come to terms with the pain of my past and moved on.
That was my first mistake.
Those memories were etched on my soul, carried with me wherever I was. No amount of distance or change in scenery could erase them.
With a smile that knocked women off their feet, Nathan Blake had them queuing up to fall into his bed. I’d been second best before. It wasn't happening again. Thinking I knew the intentions of the smart, sexy as sin businessman lining me up as his next acquisition?
That was my second.
Nate saw the suffering inside me as a reflection of his own. But he was strong. He swept me off my feet, determined to breathe new life into me. The electricity that spurred through my veins under his touch and fanned the flames of desire quickly turned into a deep connection neither of us expected to share.
A twist of fate brought us together. Would another tear us apart?

Based on all the conversations prior, does this sound/flow better and give a clearer picture of the story?

Thanks in advance for taking the time to reply.

Steph.

[Sarah :)]

I prefer the new one! Let me know when u have the book out :) Defiantly love to read thanks...

[Stephanie]

Sarah :) wrote: "I prefer the new one! Let me know when u have the book out :) Defiantly love to read thanks..."

I love you Sarah!! :-)

Will keep you posted. Hoping for December time.

Steph.

[Elizabeth_s]

The second one is much better. Sounds like a good read!

[Janie]

New version is much better. I'd read it!!

[Stephanie]

Thanks for the positive feedback. It's good to hear, especially when I've had days I thought my head might explode I was so frustrated with this. Pleased it's on the right track.

Shameless promotion here, but if anyone is interested in teasers before publication, find me on:

www.twitter.com/stephjohnwrites
www.facebook.com/stephjohnwriter

Stop by and say hi, tell your friends, neighbours and anyone else who'll listen ;-)

My first teaser was posted this week, and there will be more to come!

Thanks again everyone x