Gay fiction/non-fiction discussion
Coming out
>
Whats Your Coming Out Story?
date
newest »
newest »
I have only recently come out. I am 25 years old and have known I was gay since I was 18. I was an emotional mess for those seven years: lonely, angry and withdrawn. My family would constantly tease me about finding the right girl and settling down and this magnified these feelings.
I resolved to tell them on several occassions, but I was always afraid of losing my family. The worst part was that because I had become so withdrawn I didn't have a lot of friends at the time, so I didn't really have a support structure I could turn to if I did lose my family's support.
Finally, I just became so miserable that I decided to join an online group to learn more about the coming out process and within a month I was out to my entire family and a few close friends. This has really kind of snowballed so that now I am becoming much more comfortable in my own skin.
I am so much happier now that I am out. It was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, but it was definitely worth it. I was lucky. The reactions of most of my family members was "so?" and the others have come around. In my case, the stress and fear I carried with me in the closet was definitely unfounded and not worth it. I'm glad to be out.
I resolved to tell them on several occassions, but I was always afraid of losing my family. The worst part was that because I had become so withdrawn I didn't have a lot of friends at the time, so I didn't really have a support structure I could turn to if I did lose my family's support.
Finally, I just became so miserable that I decided to join an online group to learn more about the coming out process and within a month I was out to my entire family and a few close friends. This has really kind of snowballed so that now I am becoming much more comfortable in my own skin.
I am so much happier now that I am out. It was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, but it was definitely worth it. I was lucky. The reactions of most of my family members was "so?" and the others have come around. In my case, the stress and fear I carried with me in the closet was definitely unfounded and not worth it. I'm glad to be out.
I came out my sophomore year in high school (not an easy thing to do in a small southern town), and I officially came out to my family my freshman year of college. It was the day before Valentine's Day and my Mom asked if I had a Valentine. When I said "yes" she asked if my Valentine was a boy or a girl. When I told her it was a girl she said "Ok". "Your Dad and I love you no matter what".
I was and still am extremely fortunate to have an amazing family. Everyone is accepting and supportive.
I have always know that I was gay since I was a little girl. I tried to fight it by always having boyfriends (one very serious one), but it never felt "right". I got my first girlfriend when I was 16 and I haven't looked back since. :)
Dimps, I'm glad your family was so accepting of your sexuality :)
Yes, it is wonderful when your family is supportive of you. In my case, I think my family had grappled with the idea that I might be gay for some time (even though my parents told me they had no idea). It seems to me like your mom might have been the same way. Good for you for being true to yourself.
Mod
As we know, changes in societal tolerance now make it tempting for very young teenagers to come out. Yet I read somewhere recently (I can't remember where!) a pretty compelling argument for waiting to "officially" come out until one has graduated from high school and moved out on his own. Less harrassment, less drama, less risky sex. So your 7-year wait may have been beneficial in the long run. Each in his/her own time!
Thanks for the comment Ted. I agree with you that the wait was probably for the best. It allowed me to get to know myself really deeply and when I talked to my friends and family, I'm sure the extra confidence from my having grappled with my own sexuality helped them to accept.
You're absolutely right, each in their own time. When I was a young teenager, I had no idea I was gay. This didn't happen until I went to college and had my first crush on a nice Catholic boy. This was really the first time I had any experience with sexuality. Kind of a late bloomer in general, I guess.
You're absolutely right, each in their own time. When I was a young teenager, I had no idea I was gay. This didn't happen until I went to college and had my first crush on a nice Catholic boy. This was really the first time I had any experience with sexuality. Kind of a late bloomer in general, I guess.
What really helped me was my sister. She had came out by the time she was in 8th grade. By her sophomore year in high everybody knew and no one cared. I had always wanted to be different. In grade school I would almost scream at whoever said the word fagot or homo. Some people just didn't get that calling someone gay was offensive. A boy in my class had lesbian moms and called another boy "gaysbian". I met Lola Pepper in 3rd grade. We where not like anyone else and didn't want to be. By 4th grade I was a different person. I don't really know what to say. I was just out. I never had to come out. I guess I started realizing in 5th grade.
Well, I came out last year(7th grade). Because I told someone who was untrustworthy, who told everyone in my school. Also her mother is a friend of my mother's and that's how my mom found out. They are... not taking it well.
Shaina - (and others);Accepting your sexuality, identifying with yourself and then sharing with your friends is truly the most gut-wrenching, traumatic, powerful, emotional, euphoric, happy, sad, anxious experience ever in one's life. I am 48 now. I knew I was gay about 15 or 16 - but frankly was attracted to boys as early as 5; just didn't understand it then. I was an introvert, very shy, miserable kid through grammer and high-school (all of this I now attribute to the struggle internally to accept what the world told me was immoral); I accepted came to terms with who I am at 17 years old in 1977 - the year I graduated high-school, yet still was a virgin. This changed that summer and lets just say the experience was horrible and remains with me to this day. I came out to my sister first when I was 19 years old; she was shocked but accepting; my father "forced" it out of me laster that year. My mother refused to look at me for months (we had always been so close) and my father was determined to "get this boy straight".....well, let's just way that was many, many years ago - a different time. Coming out today appears to be so much easier but my partner and I work with homeless gay youth who are tossed out of their homes for being gay or questioning - so, I realize, it's just as hard today as any time period - all depends on the individual circumstances.....
On a brighter note; I have a partner of 22 years - yes, folks, it CAN happen that I dearly love to this day. My family became more accepting one I settled down with my partner, after about a year into our relationship - so, my neices know him as their "Uncle Rick". They are 17 and 14 now and love us for who we are...I wish I could say the same for my partner's family, who abandoned him and tossed him out on the street at 16 years old.
I have learned at midlife that the strongest force in the universe is the power of "self", your faith and your convictions: never compromise yourself to "fit" into what others feel you should be!!!
I have been with the same company for 17 years and plan to retire there; the company is a major fortune 100 business that changed it's policies to protect and encourage their GLBT employees in the early 90s before it was "cool" to do so....
Thanks for endulging me (didn't realize I would write so much); and Shaina - YOU are important; YOU are my hero for accepting yourself and venturing forward as such an early age...never forget that!
Jon Michaelsen
thanks? I've never been someone's hero before.
Well, I had a "boyfriend" (although we didn't use that term back then) from junior high through college. I wasn't "out" per se, but I don't think but a few people didn't catch on. All my friends in high school were girls and I was very much a book and library nerd. :)I officially came out while working for my brother's travel agency in 1985. It was a gay owned business and everyone working there was gay so I was very much at home. I had gone to live with him and attend college in San Diego at my mother's suggestion (she knew but didn't tell me).
I sat at the front desk doing reservations and our mailperson came in to drop off the mail. This office was in University Heights in San Dieog so pretty much you were either gay or 90 if you lived there. Anyway, our mailperson was a lesbian and she perched on the edge of the desk and just came out with it: "So, are you gay too?"
I thought for a minute and replied: "Yeah, I'm gay too."
Suddenly I saw the phone lines light up as the person behind me called my brother in the back to tell him I was "out" and he called his boss. It turned into a little party. :)
My family has always been pretty supportive. My sister, despite some Fundamentalist leanings has never treated me and my partner with anything but love and respect. We share family holidays and are very close.
The biggest problem, and not technically part of my coming out, was my partner's family. He did not come out to them until he was almost 41 and they blamed me for them having to face the truth because I insisted if we were going to be together he had to be out. It took 10 years for his father to even speak to him again. One of his sister's doesn't like me because she blames me for his refusing to attend his parents' 50th anniversary when they refused to allow me to come.
Recently, however, his father has come around and he and I actually speak and socialize from time to time although he still is sure we're going to Hell, me twice because not only am I gay but also Protestant. LOL
i new i was sense the day i came out of my mother and when i told my mom that i had a boytfriend she was not surprised! but that was when i was 12 when i had my first boyfrined but when i told her how old he was she told me to end it!
Ouch! What was he, like 17? Pfft, I wish I could've found a boyfriend when I was 12!
Mod
Hi, Shaina, well you wrote that last August. Are things going any better now in 8th grade?
I have only came out to my best friend (of 7 years) and told her I was a lesbian. (come to find out she was bisexual so that helped a lot) We have gotten really close now and I think I have feelings for her now. She makes me feel so sepcial and loved when I'm with her. I want to tell her how I feel, but (she has a boyfriend)I'm afraid if I tell her how I feel she won't feel the same way about me. What should I do?? I think I'm falling in love with her...
I came out twice, yipee!When I was 14 years old, I came out as bisexual to my closest friends and by the time I was 15 was out to about everyone I knew...unfortunately even my parents, who decided to read my journal one day when I went to school...then read all my emails...looked at all my web history and subsequentally freaked out and grounded me for a few months. Most of my friends were okay with me being bisexual, the ones that weren't, ceased to be friends with me, so they weren't so great friends to begin with.
Then, when I was 19, I came out as transgendered. I have known though for many more years that I was transgendered- in fact, when I first came out to myself at 12, I was wishing I was a guy, mainly because I had developed a crush on one of my friends who was a straight female...anyhow, I came out first within my college's LGBT group and then slowly started coming out to everyone else, including my parents shortly after Christmas that year...which they took worse than me coming out as bisexual, which they had just recently come to accept. Eventually, coming out as transgendered ended up being much harder on my social life, as even a lot of the people who were okay with it to begin with started to distance themselves from me as I began to transistion.
wow that sounds like a hard time. Hope you'll find people who don't care. Jenna, if I were you I would tell her or at least try to let her know you like her. It is hard for me to say becuase I do not know your relationship and the situation. You have to think of how she would react. Maybe you can put it into a joke or something like that. I hope you'll find it out. I would be scared as well so I wish you luck.
Here comes my coming out story. I told my friends that I was Bisexual and they had a kind of expected it. Although some boys did not really like it, they respected me. During the summerholiday i told my mom and her reaction was liek: 'it is probably just a fase, you'll grow over it.' I DID NOT want to hear that. She has no choice but to accept me and she will. I still have to tell my dad but i am a kind of afraid for his reaction. Everybody knows I like girls except him. I am happy that I live in a country where it is normal to be bisexual or homosexual. here homosexuals can marry and get children etc. And no it is not the U.S.
I'm almost 18 years old, and for the last two years I've been struggling to find who I am. Last year I fell in love and was conflicted, because I didn't know if people would accept me if they knew I was gay. I was depressed and suicidal for a long time, because I was so confused and hurt and sad. I didn't know if I was going crazy sometimes.But then, I told my brother, and he said to me that it didn't matter that I was gay, because he would love me no matter what. I've told most of my friends since then (this was around December last year when I told my brother) and I've gotten really positive reactions from most everyone. I'm most fortunate to have friends that are so accepting of me and my homosexuality.
How fantastic that you have received love and support from your brother. It scares me that you talk about depression and suicide, and I hope you know that there are so many resources available to help you when you feel this way. One is the Trevor Project which exists to fight gay teen suicide. I hope you will seek them out if you feel this way again. It was great to hear your story, and I wish you the best!
Thank you Jeff and Wilbert, it's nice to know that not everyone in this world is a jerk. It's comforting to know there still exists a network of people who are kind and caring.
A brief comment from the older generation: I didn't have any gay sex at all in high school or college and firmly suppressed the occasional attraction I felt toward guys. I had a few one-night stands in my early 20s but dismissed them as drunken experimentation. From late 20s to mid 30s, I was in a committed relationship with a woman and felt fulfilled. But when that marriage ended for other reasons, I quickly returned to gay experimentation, and after a year or so, admitted to myself I was gay. I was lucky to find my soul mate about a year later (another man who had been married to a woman), and our relationship has lasted 28 years. My parents, after a year of estrangement, finally came around and accepted my partner as another son. His family has always been accepting but it's an understood thing that no one talks about. On this page, I'm glad to read that young people are starting to come out in their teens. Not every person is going to know for sure what they are at that age, but many will have an inkling. Go with what your heart is telling you. Gay-straight alliance are a great resource. For those who come from religious backgrounds, don't make the mistake of thinking that all Christianity is anti-gay. Many churches are now gay-affirming -- if you don't attend one, find one nearby that is. Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to understand your "difference" is part of God's creation, and is not a sin or a sickness.
I came out after meeting a guy in my second year in a religious college in Indiana and fell madly in love with him. "J" was from California, I was from Illinois. We skipped classes sometime and stayed in bed all day.Our parents wouldn't approve and we knew it. His parents finally got wind of the relationship and threatened to come get him and take him back home, so he freaked out and split one night when I went out to get us some food. A friend of his told me he was afraid his parents would make "a scene". I followed a day later in my red VW and drove all the way to California from Indiana to try to get him back, and I did, but then I lost him to another guy 3 years later. He died of AIDS in 1988. I lost him twice, but it was beautiful once upon a time. I went on to other relationships, but these were in the 80s and 90s, and AIDS took them too. 6 relationships in my life, my domino men all gone, and me...well,I was the domino that never fell.
Steven wrote: "I came out after meeting a guy in my second year in a religious college in Indiana and fell madly in love with him. "J" was from California, I was from Illinois. We skipped classes sometime and sta..."oh, Steven, so much loss! And love too I know. Thanks for sharing your story.
I came out of the closet when I was 14 years old.I came out to my mother and she was fine with. My mom, my sister, her bf, my grandma and grandpa K. and my mentor are all fine with me being a lesbian. I don't know if my dad knows or not but it should be obvious to him by now..lol.