Query Feedback for Literary Fiction Set in the Philippines

[Ray]

Hi all, I'm looking for any feedback for my current draft of my query. Thank you in advance for reading!

Dear Agent,

(personalization)

After his wife leaves him on Christmas Eve, Ithiel Cañete joins the Manila-based criminal organization headed by his father, Manuel Cañete. Ithiel’s decision is impulsive, but it reveals a talent he never knew he had: the ability to collect extortion money in a diplomatic manner, sparing any bloodshed a two-bit gangster would have caused.

Tragedy, however, strikes like typhoons during the rainy season. A ledger containing information that could cripple the organization goes missing. Manuel Cañete dies from a heart attack. Ithiel’s brother, Pascual, takes over the organization, and unlike their father, Pascual believes that the solution to every problem exists in the chamber of a gun.

Blood spills when Cañete men fight for control of Manila’s criminal underbelly. Innocent people lose their lives for being a ‘threat’ to Pascual’s rule.

Thus Ithiel’s path is made clear: he must destroy the organization. But that is no small task after Pascual dispatches an icepick-obsessed hitman to lobotomize anyone who might undermine him. Ithiel must move quickly to expose the organization’s secrets before those close to him fall victim to his brother’s violence.

A WILD SHEEP CHASE meets CHUNGKING EXPRESS in LUZON, a 75,000 word literary crime novel that takes place in modern day Manila. Luzon is an #ownvoices novel.

I am a teacher of Filipino descent from ____.

Sincerely,

____.

[Keith]

I'm not clear on what the title is. It seems like Wild Sheep and Chungking are comps. Unless the title is Luzon. If that's the case, then do something like "LUZON is a 75K literary novel like A WILD SHEEP CHASE meets CHUNGKING EXPRESS."

The supposed sweet spot for a blurb is 100-150 words and you got 181. I tried punching it up, but wound up with 186 words. It's not the end of the world with a longer blurb, but that does put a stronger burden on each portion being important and drawing in the reader.



Ithiel Cañete joins the Manila-based crime mob headed by his father. On Christmas Eve. Right after his wife left him. While impulsive, his decision reveals a talent he never knew he had: the ability to collect extortion money without bloodshed.

Like typhoons during the rainy season, however, tragedy strikes. A ledger containing information that could cripple the organization goes missing. Ithiel’s father dies from a heart attack and his thug of a brother, Pascual, takes over the organization. Unlike their father, Pascual believes that the solution to every problem exists in the chamber of a gun.

Not content with what their father built, Pascual goes on a rampage fighting to control Manila’s criminal underbelly.

Paranoia defines the new organization and innocent people are losing their lives for being a ‘threat’ to Pascual’s rule.

As a consequence, Ithiel decides his father’s organization must die. Not only must he deal with his brother’s erratic paranoia, but he must also put off the icepick-obsessed hitman Pascual has sent to lobotomize anyone who might undermine Pascual. Moving quickly, before Pascual’s paranoia targets him, Ithiel works to expose the organization’s secrets.