Old Writing That's Better than you Thought?

[[deleted user]]

I recently found a piece I wrote a long time ago in January. I was experimenting with endings for my dystopia novel, and in this one the MC dies.
(view spoiler)["The men are closing in, eyes cold, and I know what I have to do. I step in front of Kate as they raise their weapons.
'Step aside, boy,' one says, but I don't listen. He fires.
As the world fades to black, the sky burns red.
My parents always said that was a sign of sacrifice.
Everything disappears." (hide spoiler)]

The real point of the thread is for people to post their old writing that they hated, but it's not actually that bad. Go! :P

[Jayda]

From my first novel, Howl, which I wrote back in 2007? I think?:

(view spoiler)[Everything was a blur and it was as if nothing was actually happening, but more like it had happened. That made sense in my mind but if I had said it aloud anyone who heard would’ve thought that I was insane.

Zady smiled at me again. It was a sad smile, almost as if she were disappointed. I merely averted my eyes to the salad I had practically stabbed to death, the lettuce now in pieces. My legs hadn’t fully ‘healed’ yet so I was sitting in a hospital wheelchair. This was something I had hoped that I would never have to experience in my life. Well, that wish was not one that would come true.

I put my fork down angrily and I placed my hand on the wheels, moving back quickly and beginning to head down the hall to the elevator. Alexander and Zady followed quickly, pushing the IV fluid behind me. It had almost ripped out of my hand because of how quickly I was going.

As I got off of the elevator and moved onto the fourth floor I wheeled down the hall towards the Intensive Care Unit as quickly as I could to Matt’s room. I pushed open the door and moved to the bed where my brother lay, barely conscious and muttering under his breath.

Now everything went at a normal pace and I could understand the words on the television and the things that Alexander and Zady were whispering to each other.

“What’s gotten into her?” Zady whispered.

“I don’t know, she just… Well, you saw what happened…”

I grew angrier and, without caring if I fell, I held onto the bed and stood, walking over so that I was closer to Matt’s head and I sat on the bed. I took his shoulders in my hands and began to shake him.

“What are you saying?” I yelled loudly. His eyes widened as I did this but I didn’t stop. I had gone out of my mind trying to figure out what he was saying so lazily that I wanted him to tell me right now what it was he wanted. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking. I knew that I was being stupid. Why would I shake my dying brother who was a patient in ICU?

“Katy!” I heard Zady shriek. I ignored her and Alexander’s arms as he tried to yank me gently from Matt. I stopped shaking him and hit Alexander’s hands angrily.

“What are you saying?” I asked even louder this time to Matt as Alexander successfully pulled me from the bed. Now I was standing, staring at Matt as he began to speak in a louder tone.

“Where’s my mother?” he croaked, his voice rough and he sounded as if he could pass any moment.

“She’s not here right now,” I responded in shock, shaking Alexander’s hands off of my upper arms. “What do you need besides her?”

The time seemed to tick by quickly and slowly at the same time. Quickly, slowly, quickly, slowly. When I thought I was about to explode from his lack of interest in my question he suddenly seemed to have a glimmer of interest in his vacant, distant eyes.

He looked nearly dead to me, his once tan skin paler than I had ever seen anyone’s before, and it glistened with a thin sheet of sweat as he laid there surrounded by tubes and monitors. The only sound I heard came from the beeping of the monitors and the television set in front of his bed hanging from the ceiling. He seemed to have that small glimmer of hope that I had once seen before. Just once before and I couldn’t even remember where I had seen it.

Now I mentally banged my head, trying to remember where I had seen this. But the memories were kicked from my mind and I felt my stomach lurch at the eerie feeling that rushed through my veins at his answer. I knew it wasn’t the medicine that was now going through my blood stream. It felt more like sadness, fear, and, strangely, death.

“My sister,” he whispered. As soon as he said this he turned his head to look at me and the beeping of monitors turned into one long monotone, a sound that I knew was soft to other people but was a screech of death and horror to me.

His eyes were even more vacant now as they looked lifelessly at me. What had I done to him?

“No!” I shouted soundlessly as Alexander pulled me back into my chair as medical assistants and nurses rushed in to try and revive my deceased brother. Everything was quiet as Alexander attempted to push me out into the noisy yet quiet hallway. He was successful.

I sat there, stress now filling my veins as the emotions began to catch up with me. I was so upset that I was generally numb of everything around me. Once more I seemed distant, vacant to someone who was in front of me. Who was in front of me?

I recognized those chocolate brown eyes and the blonde hair that sat on her head, a trait that neither Matt nor I had inherited. It was my mother. I tried to respond to the questions I couldn’t understand but I mouthed wordlessly, nothing running through my mind. I couldn’t remember how to speak.

A doctor pulled her away by the shoulder, wheeling her around and walking her a little ways down the hall to speak to her. Was this it? The moment of truth that I knew would break my mother’s heart and destroy our relationship forever?

I suddenly felt the tears coming to my eyes and I saw Alexander come into focus in front of me, bending down so that he was the height I was as I sat in this stupid chair in this stupid hallway in this stupid hospital. He seemed like he was trying to distract me but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. He put a soft, warm hand on my cheek and I flinched, for no good reason, away from it.

He frowned but I didn’t care. I was too angry at everything to care how he felt. At least, at the moment. Now Zady was saying something and I could only make out a few words like “she” and “you” and “nothing”.

The doctor walked away from my mother whom I could not see over Alexander and stopped when he saw me. Obviously I was teary eyed and I probably looked like I was full of rage and fury. He stared for a long moment until he broke his gaze, shaking his head.

Suddenly, I stood up with a rapid, fluent movement that I hadn’t even noticed I was doing until I was on my own two feet. How I had managed to stand on my own that quickly without falling over I did not know.

“What happened?” I called after him, the anger in my voice present. I couldn’t feel what expression was on my face but I knew it had to be furious.

The doctor looked at me and shook his head once more, moving toward the curtain and closing it.

“What happened?” I sobbed, suddenly realizing that against my hot face cold tears were splattering down my cheeks and neck. Suddenly a pair of arms enveloped me as I began having yet another breakdown. This one was earned, for sure. Wasn’t it?

From the smell of warm vanilla I could tell that it was Alexander. He always smelled just the way I loved. It was comforting to know that he was there and that he wouldn’t let me go until I was ready for him to let go. I figured that would be never…

I began to collapse to the ground, crippled by the pain that now burned my heart black. He moved with me, still holding me in his arms. But soon enough I pulled away, my cheeks damp, my eyes probably red, and my face hopeless. And, in one swift movement, I felt my lips press against his. It was the only thing I truly wanted to feel at the moment. The kiss was gentle, soft, and felt full of that true love that I had only dreamed of and thought truly only existed in fairytales.

I pulled away after a long moment. The hopelessness I had felt had now disappeared. I looked him squarely in the eyes and asked the question that I already knew the answer to and the question that hurt the most to ask.

“Is he dead?” I asked. All one sentence. I was proud of myself; I hadn’t thought I could’ve asked all three words so fluently.

Alexander gave me one nod, his eyes never leaving mine, the worry shadowing his face, tears nearly coming to his own eyes. I looked down, depressed and extremely upset. It was all my fault. (hide spoiler)]

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

Ooh cool, I like the idea of this thread! And I like the things both you guys posted. :D

[Allison]

I started to write this dystopia but it's extremely cliché. I may be taking the characters into a new story pretty soon though.



My mother was in the kitchen in our little house. Gravity, my sister, and my father were at the Region Capital getting Gravity’s medical checkup. She had fallen ill with a fever.

I was in the front room, sharpening my knife, my bow and quiver filled to the brim with arrows right at my side, the beginnings of dawn seeping through the makeshift window, casting haunting shadows all around me. I was smiling. It was the day after my fifteenth birthday, and Uranus had sent me a letter from his army base. I kept it tucked in my shirt pocket, and pulled it out. In his usual print, Uranus had written;

Dear Capi,

Please forgive me for not writing for a while. A lot of things have been happening, but my Commander has given me permission to write home before I depart to Mars in a week for another battle.

After you wrote your last letter to me a month ago, I had to get up and go to Pluto, where the heat of the battle is currently. I got injured, as you know, but I am fine now. I cannot say the same for my dear friend, Libra, though. He was killed while fighting on the front lines.

I’m looking forward to coming home pretty soon, so I wish you the best of luck trying to live several more months without my presence in your life. I wish your family good fortune with everything that could be happening over there in the Barren Region. Tell your father that when I get home I will help him with the farm, if it’s still running successfully.

I felt like laughing when I read that last sentence. The farm had shut down right after Uranus left and nobody had the heart to tell him. It’s not like we could, anyway. When Uranus was fifteen, he got drafted into the army against his will. He really didn’t want to be a soldier, so he ran away. The Government eventually found him, so for punishment, threw him into an obedience camp for nine months without any contact to the outside world. He tried to run away from that but failed, so he got sentenced to four more months in the camp.

It was really scary not being able to contact him in any way. I was only thirteen at the time he had to go away, and Uranus was my best friend, after all. To take my mind off the horrors he could be facing, I joined my Huntress Squad, and I was happy. Apparently protecting my Region was my strong suit, and I was pretty good at handling weapons, especially my bow and arrow. I loved those things.

Once he arrived home after the...accident, Uranus told everyone that his Commander released him so he could be with me when I needed comfort. My dad was never home, and my sister grew to hate me.

I couldn’t end his note, because just then the window shattered, and glass flew everywhere.

Before that, I had never seen a Beast up close, and I never knew what they looked like, but that was my first experience with one. No one knows where the Beasts come from; they’ve been here ever since our Government took over several hundred years ago, and people have grown accustomed to letting the trained Huntresses deal with them.

Either I wasn’t readily enough trained, my mom was plain stupid and brain dead at that moment, I was really talented at using the bow and arrow, or Mother didn’t want that Beast to pounce on me so she did something really idiotic.

The Beast jumped through the broken window and saw me, its yellow eyes gleaming with hunger, its thick, brown fur matted and sprinkled with dirt. It started to growl and I panicked. I threw down the note and scooped up my bow and an arrow. Quickly, before it crushed me underneath its weight, I pulled my bow into position.

My mother ran into the room and in front of the Beast just as I was letting go of the string.

The arrow moved so fast, I couldn’t react. All I remember was the scream. Filled with pure terror and pain, echoing for what seemed like hours. Time slowed down. The Beast started towards my fallen mom, ready to attack her for itself, but I picked up my knife and threw it, letting it sink into the Beast’s heart.

It collapsed, and I kneeled in front of my dying mother.

The arrow had entered through her stomach, and once I saw how deep it was, I knew it was over. Even if I could pull it out, she would lose too much blood; she already had. She was sweating an ocean, straining to stay alive.

I needed to get medical help; I knew it. But when I told her that I’d be right back after calling the hospital, she told me not to.

Then she gave up. She said she needed to die to teach me something; to let me survive on my own and stay strong. “You will do great things, but you cannot do them with me looking over your shoulder every second,” she said while grasping my hand. I remember protesting, telling her to stay. Ordering her to stay. Pleading her. But no, she didn’t listen.

Her last words have always been very precious to me; “Do whatever it takes to change this all. Don’t be afraid to take risks. Don’t be scared of fall--” I never understood what she was trying to say, and still don’t. Mom’s eyes closed then, and the pain I felt right then still haunts me.

I killed my own mother. On accident, sure. But still. If it wasn’t for that stupid Beast ruining a fairly good day then she would still be alive.

Or maybe if I didn’t have my bow and arrow right by me at that fateful moment….

[[deleted user]]

Brigid *Flying Kick-a-pow!* wrote: "Ooh cool, I like the idea of this thread! And I like the things both you guys posted. :D"

Thanks. :)

[[deleted user]]

My old writings are horrible. TOO MANY TELLINGS RATHER THAN SHOWING!