Science Fiction Microstory Contest discussion
Best of the Science Fiction Microstory Contest - Critiques Only
date
newest »
newest »
message 1:
by
Jot
(new)
Dec 27, 2018 05:19AM
Mod
reply
|
flag
Well, I guess someone had to give it a go. Shows I'm reading them all. And certainly enjoying the variety.Here's some comments on the first 10:
Jot Russell - Temporal Shift
Clever time-travel story with a message around prejudice and being able to live together.
Historical note – the Roman Empire had already fallen to Germanic and Hunnish invaders a couple of centuries before the rise of Islam. The Eastern half survived as the Byzantine empire for another thousand years, but had little success fighting back against the new kingdoms and republics to its west. So not convinced rise of Islam had a determining role in fate of the Roman empire. But apart from that – which I guess may be a result of trimming down the novel – it’s a very fine and thought-provoking piece.
Justin – Infinity
A clever and somewhat literary piece messing with John ‘the old man’, Jesus’s beloved disciple in John’s gospel and the rumour mentioned in chapter 21 that he would not die. And here he doesn’t, but has further existences through eternity. In each case, his life seems closely associated with the suffering of others. Interesting, and mysterious
Kalifer Deil – Belorko
A message for our times. Democracy has failed – so why not hand it over to an intelligence that – apparently, or possibly – knows what she is doing.
Pacey satire that packs a punch. Good use of dialogue to bring out the story as the events unfold.
Elizabeth – The Worst time to Travel
A little bit of Christmas magic with some teleporting and Santa. What more is there to say?
Kelly Grasek – Sky
Moving and thought-provoking story about the role of memory in making us who we are. The relationship between the narrator and Charles is well drawn. I wonder how much the narrator is motivated by wanting to forget his previous mobility and physical capabilities, and how much the relationship that has passed. Or is guilt in there somewhere, if he feels responsible for the crash?
Joseph Williams – Clarence 1.0
Excellent speculative fiction updating (post-dating?) of It’s a Wonderful Life. Really good characterisation of Tiffany, which shows her on a painful journey. This packs an emotional punch that is well integrated into the narrative throughout.
Richard Bunning – Versatile Sapiens
Like Jot’s story, Richard’s has a novel behind it. I’ve had the pleasure of reading the book and it’s really good, strong on originality, arachnoid creepiness, satire and tension. So I’ve already soaked up the background to this vignette. The Yeng are humans, from the planet they call Waterball, and have a sub-species relationship with the Yeng, who value them as tradeable commodities, slaves and food. For some of them, a little more. Hence ‘Versatile Sapiens’ in the title here. Quality writing with a literary edge.
Marianne – Sighting
Great near-opening line: “In Milwaukee in 1955, during the height of the Cold War and Flying Saucer madness, my mother screwed a Grey and didn't even know it.” Brings a flavour of those b&w B-movies, or The Invaders and the like.
Very controlled and polished storyline, strong character development of a hybrid human-alien once the surreal contest is established - all in all very good stuff.
Tom Olbert – Four to Doomsday
The story lands you straight in the action. Could see this as a graphic novel or video game. The feasting on hate is a bit reminiscent of a Star trek episode I hazily recall. I think one of the problems with landing straight into all the blood and gore is that it’s hard to get involved with any of the characters. But the descriptive writing is accomplished, very visual.
Tom Tinney – Just Do It
This is a story that’s strong on character and packs an emotional punch as we engage with the central character’s existential dilemma … Except, except the context doesn’t work. Goats, chickens and seedcorn? Really??
This is a very high-tech future-tech 10 kilometre long space craft, so no doubt they’d have the science to synthesise all kinds of stuff and develop food production in a more flexible way. But the context here is more like on a wooden hulk bound for Nova Scotia a few hundred years ago.
I think the concept is great and it’s well-written – just needs a more credible backdrop and it would be brilliant.
Mod
In terms of the Roman Empire aspect, I had to do a LOT of research for the full-length work. In Perpetual Words, it wasn't so much the loss of Islam that lead the Byzantine Empire being reborn, it was more the influences of a overly ambitious man who was blinded by his hatred and corrupted by the godly power he possessed to build himself a global empire. The micro of course had to cut this down a bit.
It sounds a very interesting premise - I've just downloaded a copy from Amazon and look forward to reading it.
Thank you for the reviews, Andy. Now, here are mine on the next 10 stories:In Memory Yet Forgotten
by Dean Hardage
A haunting, dream-like and tearful farewell.
The protagonist has fathered a brood of hybrid children by an alien female and has had his memory of it erased. The mother of his children slips through his life one last time, ghost-like to give him a chance to say ‘goodbye.’
The story opens with a marvelously detailed kitchen scene, complete with mouth-watering culinary seasoning. Then, shifts into a dream-like haze of soft farewells and finishes with a beautifully rendered symbolic touch of renewal and passing.
Very well done.
-----------------------------------------------------
The Driver
©2018 by Jon Ricson
A dryly humorous tale of corporate decadence in a future age. A drunken corporate climber gets a ride home from a handsome android slave, and in her drunken ranting inadvertently inspires an impending robot revolution. Memorable.
------------------------------------------------------
Collider
By Greg
A vividly imagined super-collider accident in which the protagonist finds himself shifted into an alternate universe. A fully functioning alternate version of Stephen Hawking helps him get home to his wife, who in the interim has been keeping company with a parallel version of him. Humorous, vivid and charming.
-------------------------------------------------------
Finding Miss Emiline
© 2013 by Sam Bellotto Jr.
A dark, dreamy tale of an aging, dying android seeking the grave of his late mistress. An accomplished lady with whom he’d shared love. Poetically delivered memories amid a garden maze of artful metaphors, the requiem for a mistress-slave relationship conjured shades of the old south, as well as ruminations on life and death. The automated grave-stone says its pre-recorded farewell to the faltering robot just before he commits suicide. Most unusual and haunting.
----------------------------------------------------------
REARRANGING WORLDS
by Jack McDaniel
A delightful and beautifully rendered, Bradbury-like tale of the end of an unlikely and magical friendship between a lonely old man and a strange orphan girl. The cyclical nature of life in all its myriad wonders is expressed in the simple act of a child splashing in puddles. Each puddle a world in itself, we’re told. They part when a spaceship arrives and the girl is revealed to be an alien. Wonder is passed on and life continues. Just rearranged for the better.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Negotiation
By C. Lloyd Preville
A dry and darkly humorous vignette of afterlife judgement. A recently deceased rich man finds himself in the hall of judgment in the afterlife and is offered an idyllic existence in eternity. The judge describes a world of never-ending feast and revelry, and the rich man quickly agrees. Only to discover he is the main course, not the diner. What fools these mortals be. Had the feel of a deal with the devil story.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apsis in Ephis with Samir
by Jeremy Lichtman
A tale of intelligent pianos. A man marries his piano, buys a humanoid avator for ‘her’…and, she becomes jealous of herself. Left me scratching my head. ‘Huh?’ is the briefest summation I can give.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maia’s Garden
Copyright © 2018 by Paula Friedman
A beautifully spun poetic depiction of a woman in a nursing home who dreams of an idyllic future in which science has conquered death, life and love going on eternally, to the far-flung reaches of the universe. Poetic verse and dream-like shifting of reality. Marvelous.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner Take All
©2014 by Richard S. Levine
A vividly envisioned fast-paced action story of a high-speed boat race on Mars. A daring and experienced yacht racer finds himself on a dangerous race through stormy rapids, his own sister on the rival boat. Sibling rivalry must be set aside in finding an innovative solution to save the crews of both boats from a devastating accident. A bit too heavy on technical detail and too light on emotion, in my opinion. But, the sheer color of it and the action made it enjoyable.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Winter of Our Discontent
By Andy
One man’s tale of his family’s long, inter-generational rise from poverty to splendor through the miracle of capitalism. A personalized family album of hearty entrepreneurs in post-revolutionary China leads to a futuristic vision of synthesized food and goods that renders poverty, money and consequently capitalism obsolete. All comes full-circle when the POV character decides to sell the experience of austerity to those who’ve never experienced it. Solely for the purpose of doing it. Capitalism…salvation or purgatory? You make the call.
I'm waiting to post critiques, generally, until I've read everything through, but just want to say here, Davos, I didn't know your work before, but your story here is terrific. And I love what you do with time-segueing in two sentences near your story's end.
Here are a few comments on the next batch of stories - takes me through to 27th story (less mine) - am I halfway yet?Thanks to Tom for his batch - see if we have any different takes on stories 11-20 (and thanks for your comment on mine too, kind of have it in a nutshell)
- - - - -
Dean Hardage – In Memory Yet Forgotten
Subject matter similar to Marianne’s, a staple of SF. I like both the tenderness of the story, and the contrast between the gentle mundanity of Kevin’s daily life and the exotic otherness of his hidden/forgotten alien-connected life.
And there’s a poignancy about the brief connection with that life, even if he will remember nothing consciously – “For just a second his heart was filled with both the deepest love and deepest sadness, and suddenly it was gone.” Skilful to associate that moment with a physical object, the silk flower, which gives the moment a visual anchor.
A strong story, and I liked it even more on a second reading when I could savour it better.
- - - - - - - - -
Jon Ricson – The Driver
Really like the concept of an AI Designated Driver. The gradual reveal of the unnamed narrator as a kind of complacent and arrogant innocent is very good, and pivotal to the (delayed) outcome. Unwittingly, she’s the catalyst for the revolution – by being herself (and as such a representative of us all.) Interesting touch that the AI has a name while the human does not, which makes the story a little different and fits well with the message. Very good story.
- - - - - - - - - -
Greg – Collider
I’m afraid I struggled a bit to follow this one. Running half a mile to shut down a collider manually seems inherently improbable in a digital age – or the result of very dodgy risk assessment and safety management. Then I had to read the rest several times to get what was happening – I think I got it in the end, though was unsure of the reason behind the differences in the universes. (Or why the differences don’t add up to everything being much more different over the years, though that’s a generic problem of parallel universe tales). It’s a neat touch though to have Stephen (nb not ‘Steven’) Hawking facilitate being transported through the multiverse.
- - - - - - - - - -
Sam Belloto – Finding Miss Emiline
I remember this touching story well from the first time round. Back then I thought it a little over-sentimental, but I’ve probably got more sentimental myself over time and I recognise the artistry better in the story-telling now. The affection between Miss Emiline and Euclid is integral to the story throughout. Emiline’s quirky character is brought to life through the eyes of her trusty companion - the characters and backstories of both are built up very skilfully. I think I like pretty much everything about this story.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Jack McDaniel – Rearranging Worlds
A slightly mysterious tale with the enigmatic Lilith at its centre. Lying behind her must be ancient Near Eastern and medieval rabbinic myths/speculation about the somewhat terrifying Lilith, who emerges from the waters and does dreadful things.
Wrapping that up in the apparently innocent figure of the orphan child is a nice touch. Rearrange things, it’s what she does. But don’t we all?
Good story with a literary underpinning, and sharp, clear writing.
- - - - - - - -
C Lloyd Preville – The Negotiation
This story has the form of a fable, or perhaps a tall tale or a joke, building in a stylised way to the punch-line/moral. The tricky judging angel speaks in double-meanings, all quite clever and amusing with just deserts (or main course) at the end.
I haven’t quite grasped how the two halves of this sentence are different from each other: “In your last life, you deserved what you received. In your next life, you shall receive what you deserve.” Seems they mean the same either way, when you think about it? I’m puzzled, anyway …
- - - - - - - -
Jeremy Lichtman - Apsis in Ephis with Samir
Delightfully surreal and original story. Excellent use of dialogue too that builds the story. Future issues around identity, relationships, human/sentient machine interaction, nicely captured in a tale with an unusual mystery to solve. “The world will always welcome lovers / As time goes by”. But I guess it can get more complicated, as time goes by. And a maybe playful take on the internet of things taken to extremes, giving intelligence to every object – then sentience – then an independent existence.
Exotic location conjured up in relatively few words too, helping me to buy into the otherness, or half-familiar strangeness, of the story.
- - - - - - - - - -
Paula Friedman – Maia’s Garden
A story that is both lyrical and layered, with an abundance of literary references – not all of which I’ve picked up, for sure. The story works at one level as the tale of Maya’s dream (or dream-like) journey when she is (or was) approaching death, taking her to the stars as her renewed life/hopes rise and fall. Takes us to the stars and back.
Then again there’s an underpinning of (eastern) philosophy/religion/mythology, it seems, with ‘maya’ in Hindu philosophy being about the illusory state of being we recognise on death (or maybe we don’t) or through meditation. Then maybe all of life is merrily, merrily but a dream, not only the more aspirational dreams. I love the image of riding the turning page of a book.
My first take was to relate the reference with Maia, one of the Pleiades and Greek goddess connected with growth and nurturing, connecting it to a garden without death (imagine the weeds, though!), and by allusion a warning not to let our children mess up the garden. I may have this all wrong, of course.
Also brought to mind, “we are stardust, we are golden, billion-year-old carbon, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden”. Perhaps so. Great writing condemns the world to the task of explaining it. Or making stuff up out of one’s own framework of experience, as I tend to do! A story to savour.
- - - - - - - - -
Richard Levine – Winner Takes All
Pacey vignette of a water race. With the canyons and all, a bit like a chase in Star Wars or a video game, only wetter. There’s something of a steampunk feel to it – the anti-gravity technology being about high-pressure hoses, it seems, rather than anti-gravity technology. Enjoyed the ride, but maybe the ending’s a bit too cosy?
- - - - - -
Bill Fix – Nin’s Glory
Hmm, the intolerance of perfection. It seems however perfect a future world, there is always a servant-class underbelly. Nin here is relegated to a status marginally above the machines he services, with disability coldly classed as imperfection. The saddest thing is perhaps how he has bought in to the narrative of the ruling class. Ideological hegemony, I think they call it. Classy and poignant story, strong characterisation.
- - - - - -
Dorthe – In the Bleak Midwinter
Symbiosis with algae tattoos – really interesting concept and pleasingly different angle on extra-terrestrial mining. Makes for a different kind of rescue, and 'rescue party.' Smoothly told story, good descriptive writing bringing other senses as well as visual aspects of the scene. Special and memorable story.
- - - - - - -
Tom Huber – Love Told Twice
This story creates a believable bar-room atmosphere with a lost soul speaking of love lost – and maybe found again. It could be a story from the wrong side of the tracks anywhere, anytime, so in that sense not especially SF apart from a couple of side references. Maybe shows some things never change.
Good dialogue. But there seems to be a contradiction between this line at the start, “The little man looks at me like I’m that girl. I don’t know what he’s seeing, but it ain’t me,” and the last line, “I tell him and then give him a little smile–just like I did some twenty years ago”?
- - - - - - - - - - -
Karl Morgan – Eight Seconds
Well-written story that maintains tension, has a great twist and packs a punch. I think the last paragraph is a little bit expositional, and would work better if told through an observer’s eyes – the word count is available for that, I think. Still good though.
Probably just making my own associations here, but Is the 8 seconds any kind of reference to Neneh Cherry’s ‘7 Seconds’ – the first 7 seconds of a child’s life when supposedly it has no knowledge of the world’s problems?
- - - - - - - -
Spencer Green - Karen's Birthday
Much of the story is expositional, as if it’s part of a synopsis of a longer story. The storyline is quite familiar, a bit like Robocop with someone repurposed after severe injury for law enforcement going back to catch sight of the partner left behind.
- - - - - - - - -
JD Mitchell - “Play it again, Sam”
Very visual set-up for a story in a post-oil, climate-changed steampunky world of solar airships and megafauna-drawn carts. Rather charming, with some very nice lines and elements of backstory seamlessly woven in – more an intro to a great story than a story in itself. Made me want to read more, for sure.
- - - - - - - - - -
Lars Carlson – Mike
A touching story. The setting is described very believably, and the sense of loneliness. Zhen and the art of asteroid mining, perhaps. About finding affection in unexpected places, but, given the relative chastity of the liaison, without the Brokeback complications.
Thank you Tom and Andy for your reviews of The Negotiation. Andy, you seized on the Gordian's Knot at the center of this story: the first statement describes a successful life without directed purpose as in free will, the second a life with directed purpose as in no free will. Fun stuff!
I've nowhere near Andy's or Tom's capacity to write critiques of so many sorts and styles of works, but here are my "capsule critiques" of the first 24 or so stories. I hope they may be helful. I'll try to do the others, if time allows.Jot, “Temporal Shift”—an excellent use of the “changing the past” motif. And having Mohamed appear as a little boy turns this fine concept also into a moving, caring tale.
Justin, “Infinity”—a strong and well-dramatized merging of biblical figures, space tragedy, and a human’s destiny. Fascinating.
Kalifer, “Belorko”— very well-paced satire—the ending’s as cautionary as not, but we’re laughing all the way.
EJ, “The Worst Time to Travel”—sweet and charming as I remember it from six years ago. Beautifully done story-telling.
Kelly, “Sky”---a touching, moving, bitter tragedy that still gives us a bit of hope in the end. Powerful.
J.F., “Clarence 1.0”—It’s hard for most authors to bring tears to readers’ eyes or smiles of joy to their faces, but J.F. does both in this superb tale.
Richard Bunning, “Versatile Sapiens”—a most grimly/humorously horror story, as we learn what these spider/insect businessfolk are trading.
Marianne, “Sighting”—an involving story with a half-alien reminiscent of the “changelings” of medieval lore . . . and of Terry Bisson’s “Macs”.
Tom Olbert, “Four to Doomsday”—action-packed and a terrifying parasitic entity, plus a taut-twisting ending
Tom Tinney, “Just Do It”—a memorable tale of a lone man’s cowardice, or courage, or is it cowardice? or both?, weighing his odds against his families’, on a generation ship.
Dean Hardage, “In Memory Yet Forgotten”—a terrifically moving, memorable, and quiet love story that enfolds the lovely life of humanity and an alien race, space and time.
Jon, “The Driver”—fine dialogue with a very human-acting android and the drunken woman who accidentally sets off a slave revolt
Greg, “Collider”—the tale of a man who must find his way back to his lost multiverse.
Sam, “Finding Miss Emiline”—the "primitive" AI, considered lesser in human culture, deeply remembers—and was remembered by—Miss Emiline at the last. A very moving tale with social and emotional resonances.
Jack, “Rearranging Worlds”—a parable of innocence and experience, hope and the habitual, and a beautifully bittersweet ending of what may be a child's/goddess’s earthly sojourn and the meaning her presence/being gave to an old man’s days
C., “The Negotiation”—a morality tale as a man tries to negotiate as comfortable an immortality as the life he has carved for himself on earth
Jeremy, “Apsis in Ephis with Samir”—lyrically written, this tale creates an entire world, its seasons, and its elebrations while illuminating the music, love, and range of emotions binding a man, a sentient piano, and a Cy. Beautifully conceived and written.
Paula, “Maya’s Garden”—a grappling with being and nothingness, I suppose. And on many levels. The use of the clichéd authorial line “It had all been a dream” is of course part of the self-referencing page.
Richard S. Levine, “Winner Take All”—fine narration and well-paced realism form a taut, lively account of a very high-tech boat race through Mars’s Valles Mareneris.
Andy Lake, “The Winter of Our Discontent”—a Chinese family rise through generations from the scarcity of the Cultural Revolution through entrepreneurship and increasing worldwide wealth to a point where scarcity, too, can be desired consumer goods. Beautifully developed in a mode far from Western plotting.
W.A., “Nin’s Glory”—in the dystopia of Glory, where nearly all persons are physically perfect, the deformed Nin functions as an unseen service mechanism--and then, one day, sees a perfect one who— Reminiscent in feeling to the famed "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas," this tale strikes heart and mind alike.
Dorthe, “In the Bleak Midwinter”—a powerful tale of harsh survival in a lightless environment and of unexpected hope.
Thomas Nevin Huber, “Love Told Twice”—a smoothly beautiful bar-setting love story with the twist ending and emotional force of remembered nostalgic noir classics.
Thanks for your comments, Paula - all interesting. And thanks for your kind comments on mine. A couple of elements (historical and current) in there drawn from our Chinese family and friends, and the rest built up from there.
Penultimate batch of comments on the stories:Graham Ryan – The Ruby
Kind of alien-takeover comedy/farce. An offbeat and probably eye-watering take on the SF trope of uploading a virus to the aliens. One or two plot holes, but who cares when one is having fun?
- - - - - - - -
Neill Burnham – A Policeman’s Reward
Well-depicted scene of pulp fiction action. Left me wondering ‘Why?’ and ‘What next?’ Would work as part of a longer piece – perhaps it’s an extract? The characters certainly have potential.
- - - - - - - - - -
Bobby Warner – Star Song
Swap interstellar travel for trip to Mars, and this is the first episode of ‘The First’. Or in real life, the space shuttle Columbia. If written before ‘The First’, which was only last year, then kudos for getting ahead of them.
The extreme secrecy isn’t explained – why this rather than the usual fanfares? Quite a few semi-colons which are not used correctly...
- - - - - - - - - -
Frank Abitt – Oldman and the Sea
A pacey story where we’re thrown straight into the action as reactors (nuclear?) on a ship in the Atlantic ‘erupt’, for reasons that are not given. Captured by sea monsters, rescued by whales and a Korean phone.
Unusual sequence of events, starting with the disposable husband. At the beginning readers are invited to be involved in his moment of self-sacrifice. But heroine Kathy doesn’t seem to give him any further thought, so I wonder if we should really care more than she does? :-0
- - - - - - -
Tyler Burnworth – Terminus
First half has good description, setting up the scene very well. The dialogue in the second half doesn’t work so well, and becomes a bit confusing with the pacifist reference. And I’m not clear whether he was born the way he is, or his brother made him like it (and not entirely clear what that is, except full of hate).
‘Outcasted’ – outcast is a noun or adjective. Can it be a verb?
- - - - -
Helen Doran-Wu – Drones Don’t Trade
Banter before the storm, as soldiers prepare for a battle against forces that have the advantage over them, as at Gallipoli. Apparently an amphibious landing here too, as they wait on the beach. Captures the humanity in the battlefield before the shooting and bombardment begin.
- - - - - - - - -
Andy McKell – Then As Now
Light-hearted piece carrying a serious message. About non-European migrants arriving in southern Europe, bringing with them their alien cultures, customs and gods. Topical. And a sting in the tail – Christianity would invade from the middle-east too, in time erasing pagan culture, and with it the gods of both Olympus and Asgard. Should give us pause for thought, one way or another.
- - - - - - - -
Elana Gomel - The New Story of Cinderella
An amusing take on the fairy tale, with some original elements. Good ending, sweetness rejected!
- - - - - - -
McKenzie Hames - Monster or Madness
Hmm, dark fantasy tale in the werewolf/Jekyll and Hyde tradition.
“I like children, but I couldn’t eat a whole one” clearly doesn’t apply to the protagonist here at the end.
- - - - - -
Peter Roach - Halloween Night; AnyTown USA.
A blackly humorous piece carrying, perhaps, a serious message about the thrills we get from horror, blood and gore. Thought-provoking as well as dark entertainment in itself.
- - - - - -
D.M. Custis - Zachery and the Sky Empire
Vignette of a post-apocalyptic world where humans live in the sky to escape from the damage they’ve caused below. An old computer, with it seems AI steeped in Asimov’s Laws of Robotics, protects the pilot from his own hubris. I think a warning about human arrogance. It’s a good set-up, and could be part of a longer piece.
- - - - - -
Karl Freitag - G Moon
Short, sweet and makes a point. The way things are going, it will be “Alibaba”, “Baidu” or “Huawei” emblazoned there …
- - - - - -
Clement Chow - Mirrored Front-to-back
Very quirky, surreal tale. I had no idea where it was going, or why, but entertaining and bonus marks for originality!
- - - - - -
Timothy Paul - Common Ground
Well-written story about two sides hesitantly and suspiciously seeking common ground. I didn’t expect that ending, showing a commonality/similarity of religion.
Did make me think though, is that necessarily a good thing? Back on Earth we’ve found very slight differences in the same religion have caused huge and bloody conflicts. In fact, they still do …
- - - - - - - -
John Appius Quill - Itzamna (updated version)
Gentle tale with a happy ending. The scarab, as a symbol of rebirth/regeneration is the ideal character to bring about the transformation. Clever.
- - - - -
Ami Hart - Gulch Correctional Facility
Pacey and involving story. Good descriptive writing and some great lines like: “I fear what I’m becoming because each time I phase, I become less” and “Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman's got.” So there’s an escape, a woman with powers who’s gradually changing (into what?) and a maniac being released (for what?). I’m left wanting more – this is a strong set-up for a longer piece.
- - -- -
Sharon Kraftchak – Flight
A strong and well-written story that maintains tension through to the end. A little prefiguring of the denouement with reference to the place being an ‘eyrie”. And I guess the sphere is like an egg, from which she is hatched into a new life.
- - - - -
Andrew Gurcak – Maturity
Brianne near either end of her life: looking forward to growth and adventure, then back on a life she couldn’t have imagined. The writing feels very controlled and assured, the tone perfect for the subject matter.
“I’ve assumed more facades, more genders, and become fused with more augmentations than I ever dreamed possible. And it was so very exciting and fun.” Is this the future for us all?
Thanks, Andy. I'm trying to do the best critiquing I can in such rushed bits. Glad if my remarks were helpful.Andy wrote: "Thanks for your comments, Paula - all interesting. And thanks for your kind comments on mine. A couple of elements (historical and current) in there drawn from our Chinese family and friends, and..."
Thank you, Paula, for an excellent set of critiques. And, for your complimentary words.Here are a few more of my reviews:
Trading at the G & G
by Laura
An amusing, offbeat and well-imagined walk through a post-apocalyptic society resembling the old west. A bit of yankee trading followed by a trek down a mountainside, shots fired and adventure ahead. A bit flat at times. Though the setting was well-designed, the action was glossed over and the delivery often lacked impact. Still, the pacing and attitude were strong and carried it to the end. Overall, pleasurable.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not So High and Mighty
by Rich Magahiz
A talking head sits on a desk and preaches on about the stale, pointless state of a future society that has lost the spark of life and has nothing better to do than resurrect people from the past, like him. (All I could see was the talking Nixon head on “Futurama.”) Hard to tell who to feel sorrier for, the head or its captors. Didn’t really do a lot for me, I have to admit.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NSA
by Jeremy McLain
A well-delivered bit of end-of-life black comedy from inside a nightmarish hostel. A bitter, feisty old man makes the best of his twilight years, enjoying the nostalgic pleasures of virtual reality. Forced to watch a government video, he sees the most intimate moments of his life played before him for all the world to see, just before he is euthanized, his memories uploaded into the cloud. (Man-made digital heaven?) Society’s rationale for the disposal of its elderly is left a bit unclear, and the POV gets a bit weak towards the end. But, the crusty attitude and wise-cracking sass made it enjoyable.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hemogoblin”
Copyright © 2015 Ron Jones
A darkly humorous series of advert posts. The first one advertises for a recent college grad, offering an internship in blood-related genetics experiments. The next post, a month later advertises for a replacement familiar with safety precautions, implying the last intern met a grisly fate. The next post advertises for three men with combat skills and a Roman Catholic priest with holy water. Clearly, things are not going well. The next post is hopelessly garbled, terrified and abortive. Final post says to disregard the preceding one. This one says he’ll pay good money for healthy young volunteers who are to report only after dark, and bring no silver or wood. Clearly, the vampires have taken over. The build-up of suspense is effective as is the dark humor. Mom’s on the roof, and we can’t get her down.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s Only Business
by Ben Boyd, Jr.
A woman with “looks, skills and experience”, fleeing a run-down, socialized Earth gets rooked into working a cheap chicken joint on Mars. A quirky but rather dry two-person dialogue followed by a mock Rod Serling finish.
(I feel partly responsible for this one. I’d reviewed the author’s story the month before and joked about it sounding Serling-esque, and he followed with that finish the next month. “Chicken Zone.” Okay.)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Vanity
by Amos Parker
Hysterically funny vignette of God and Satan sharing a spaceship ride out of the Solar System after the man-made apocalypse renders them both homeless. Biting satiric dialogue and fantastically funny and vivid imagery had me rolling on the floor. Fabulous and well-timed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 7 Deadly Sins
by Carrie Zylka
A grim futuristic tale of the grubby crew of a slaver ship transporting a captured amazon-like warrior woman (Red Sonja look-alike) through turbulent space. Good premise and set-up, and strong sensory delivery at times, but the expository was a bit too thick in places and did not effectively merge with the action. Too many expository lumps. The ending was a bit too anti-climactic for my taste and the POV a bit vague.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Enemy of My Enemy
By Chris
A heartfelt tale of an accomplished general walking bravely and with resignation toward what he believes to be his execution at the hands of his enemies, a tributary offering to buy peace. He is surprised to find he is honored by the allied races he fought in battle and that his services as a military commander are in demand by his former enemies, who need his help to defend the galaxy against a mysterious force of pure darkness that threatens to destroy all in its path.
The dialogue is a bit flat on the surface, and there is little in the way of direct sensory feel. Pretty much flat, declarative sentences. But, it works. There is a strong sense of military honor and emotional burden. The words, even without visual or sensory padding, carry the message effectively. The timing and delivery are perfect, and that seems enough. I believed it.
Andy wrote: "Penultimate batch of comments on the stories:Graham Ryan – The Ruby
Kind of alien-takeover comedy/farce. An offbeat and probably eye-watering take on the SF trope of uploading a virus to the alie..."
Thanks for your positive comment Andy.
And, the last three:Special Materials
By G.C. Groover
A darkly clever tale of an amoral, self-serving corporate raider getting his just desserts. As he prepares a hostile takeover of a company he knows nothing about, he begins receiving odd-looking metallic puzzle pieces in the mail from an anonymous sender. Like a child with an engaging puzzle, he grows excited, then obsessed as he fits them together one by one. In the end, he finds out too late he has assembled a nuclear device created by the company he’s destroying and goes up in a blaze of light.
Not very surprising, but visually effective and amusing. The tenseness and intensity as he forces in the final piece are very effective.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We Still Don't Know
by Davon M. Custis
A childhood memory of the apocalypse.
A little girl is wakened by her father in the dead of night and they have to join the panicking masses running for their lives in the face of unexplainable tremors and explosions and menacing dark shapes in the sky. The girl survives the fall of civilization and grows up, a strong survivor in the wilderness, never knowing who destroyed the world or why.
The narration is a very distant third person, coldly recording facts and events. There is a richness of detail as the narrative unfolds, but there is little or no emotional connection, especially at the end. It’s a fleeting glimpse of the past, with little emotional or sensory input from the protagonist, who seems more an occurrence than a person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Orion’s Union
By Rejoice Denhere
A strange, dream-like vignette of a daughter’s journey into nightmare.
Choosing to leave her mother for a quest of opportunity, a young woman is given a parting gift by her apparently supportive mother: a strange glass-covered device. Mom tells her to smash it if the glass grows clouded. We realize as the story unfolds that this is the future and interplanetary travel is the norm. The protagonist stops off on a forbidden planet without telling her mother, to visit a strange old man in exile. Unfinished business, we’re told. Her fear surfaces as he comes to his door. The glass clouds, and she smashes it. She finds herself magically transported back to her mother’s house on Earth, as though awaking from a dream. Only then do we find out the mysterious old man is her father, exiled for some crime involving a similar device. And, she has brought him back to Earth with her. Which is presumably what the mother had in mind all along, enlisting her daughter’s unwitting aid in facilitating her husband’s escape.
Hard to know what to make of it. No escaping the past? Your family is always a part of you, no matter how hard you try to escape? You decide. The sense of foreboding is strong at the finish.
Final batch of coments:Laura - Trading at the G & G
Post-apocalyptic wild-west-revisited. As it is, the SF is kind of incidental. I get the feeling that this could be a scene from a longer story where we would know more about the characters mentioned.
- - - - - - -
Rich Magahi - Not So High and Mighty
The opening gambit of the bodiless head as a desk ornament immediately conjured up that scene from Mars Attacks with Pierce Brosnan. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pvf3...
I needed to put that out of my mind to read the rest, which is a kind of protestation of both anger and impotence. Interesting and different.
[I note Tom had a similar first reaction to the disembodied head...!]
- - - - - - -
Jeremy McLain - NSA
I think this is the third end-of-life story here – they’re all different, and all very good. ‘NSA’ - nice misdirection at the start, and I had to chuckle as it’s revealed to be the ‘Nostalgics Service Administration’. Clever enough. And just as the current NSA in fiction often has a somewhat sinister remit, so this NSA has its own and possibly creepy agenda. Or is he really living on somehow in the cloud? Very good story.
- - - - - -
Ron jones – Haemoglobin
Clever and humorous story told in job adverts. It works really well, as the reader fills in the blanks about what’s really happening at the research facility. Smiled all the way through.
- - - - - - -
Ben Boyd - It’s Only Business
Well, it seems we’ve got socialists running and ruining earth, and free market capitalism doing likewise on Mars, with ‘Missy’ caught in-between. I know it’s a kind of comedy, so I don’t want to get too serious. But it is often the case that the first to take advantage of new technologies and new frontiers are criminals and tricksters. And I dread to think what’s in the chicken if it’s not chicken…
One thing - hopefully by the time Mars is colonised, people will no longer say “Just sayin’”.
(Just sayin’.)
- - - - -
Amos Parker – Vanity
Truly blasphemous tale, Amos! Are you still here after the thunderbolt? The story asks the question, what of our gods – and our demons – when we’re extinct? Interesting premise. The kind of matiness of God and Satan is in various parts of the Bible – an interesting symbiosis that underpins this tale.
- - - - -
Carrie Zylka - The 7 Deadly Sins
Vividly descriptive tale of sex trafficking, with the promise of revenge. Be careful who you kidnap, especially when they’re Xarkan redheads!
- - - - -
Chris Nance - The Enemy of My Enemy
Story of grumpy general who has the wrong end of the stick about why he is wanted by his erstwhile enemies. Seems more of set-up for a bigger story about the former enemy’s coming battle with the mysterious Void.
- - - - -
GC Groover – Special Materials
A story of revenge against an asset-stripper. Proceeds in a fairly predictable way after the first package towards the conclusion. I think it would benefit from being told more from inside the story, rather than by a remote observer.
- - - - -
Davon Custis – We Still Don’t Know
Apocalypse-happening-now story that starts off with intensive action. Then the description becomes a bit remote from the action, as if summarising the first chapters of a book, only intermittently re-engaging with the main character. And we still don’t know who’s destroying the Earth – I wonder if anyone ever finds out?
- - - - - -
Rejoice Denhere – Orion’s Union
Slightly mysterious tale of a family reunion via a teleporting snow-globe. Nice phrase ‘she felt like an adult with training wheels’. The mother seems to be manipulating her daughter. I wonder why she didn’t try something sooner to get her man back?
Continuing my critiques (six more still to come)Karl, “Eight Seconds”—succinct and powerful, a surprisingly poignant time-travel tale of a very sad terrorist, with a twist
Spencer, “Karen’s Birthday”—told in flashback, this story makes one wish to see its scenes unfold and to get to know the very appealing characters
JD Mitchell, “Play It Again, Sam”—fascinating and mysterious, this tale crosses steampunk with language play with elegant characterization and what must be called a kidnapping
Lars Carlson, “Mike”—a love story in this tale of lonely asteroid miners who manage to endure
Graham Ryan, “The Ruby”—beautifully suspenseful close-in third-person (well, third-alien) tale with sharply “now” vocabulary and a surprise ending
Neill Burnham, “A Policeman’s Reward”—action-packed, this story of a police officer shows him getting a deliciously gourmet reward.
Bobby Warner, “Star Song”—tragic echoes of Challenger linger in this tale—a story with emotion and enormous potential.
Frank Abitt, “Oldman and the Sea”—a genuinely suspenseful tale of a well-characterized woman’s struggle to escape, aided by an unexpected, beneficent whale, from strange sea-creature captors.
Tyler Burnworth, “Terminus”—a taut tale told in dialogue by a vaguely rendered antagonist, Cyto, to the clear, strong Trisella; the wonderfully understated ending works.
Helen Doran-Wu, “Drones Don’t Trade”—Foreboding reminiscences pervade this realistically detailed, evocative tale of humans and a part-robot ally’s battle preparations.
Andy McKell, “Then, as Now”—a deliciously rendered, topically satirical, very well written portrayal of a meeting between Odin of the North, and Zeus of the Mediterranean South as they discuss, over “that glop, hummus” and other delicacies, the problems trade and of mideastern refugees.
Elana Gomel, “The New Story of Cinderella”—wonderfully written, this layered and evocative Cinderella story contains, alone with cleverly in-depth characters, a sharp, quick mouthful of elegantly rendered feminism.
MacKenzie Hames, “Monster or Madness”—a reluctant vampire’s preparations as the full moon of Hallowe’en nears.
Peter Roach, “Hallowe’en Night: Anytown, USA”—a brilliantly written piece of postmodernist, horrific, humorous tall-tale-telling that leaves one both gasping and laughing. Perhaps could be a bit tighter in spots, but mostly very well paced—nice work.
D.M.Custis, “Zachary and the Sky Empire”—a man in a plane that an A.I. controls, the man’s remembrance of humanity’s weather experiments that have left few humans alive, all living in the sky, and a hint that the man is not sane.
Karl Freitag, “G Moon”—well yes, Google this one. Quick and to the point, a nice, slick job.
Clement Chow, “Mirrored Front-to-Back”—a man wakes in 2154 from cryo sleep and receives the skill to mirror things point-to-back by pointing at them. Perhaps the details cloud this tale’s description of the harm the new skill brings.
Timothy Paul, “Common Ground”—taut but sweet, gently moving tale of a human and an alien negotiating, with very high stakes for both.
John Appius Quill, “Itzamna”—in which a scarab on the world of Itquatl brings a cure, and time travel becomes possible. Very good dialogue. There is great potential for this story at greater length.
Many, many thanks to those folks who provided appreciations and insights into everyone's stories. That's an impressive and difficult task you've each accomplished.I have to say, though, that somewhere around mid-week, I was getting a kind of Game of Thrones/ George RR Martin apprehension about Andy's work: Will he persevere? Will he remain alive long enough to finish? Whew!
'Just wanted to quickly review three of my favorites:Oldman and the Sea
by Frank Abitt
I enjoyed this one. A good, old-fashioned sci-fi adventure story with tight action and suspense. It really put the reader in the protagonist’s skin. I got the impression this was a tribute to literature. First the title, an obvious humorous take-off on the “Old Man and the Sea.” The underwater primitive civilization looked like something out of H.P. Lovecraft (Innusmouth?). And, the humpback whale…Moby Dick? Finally, the protagonist is picked up by a rescue ship from Hemingway station.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monster or Madness
by McKenzie Hames
A genuinely scary modern-day werewolf story, pitting contemporary technology and skepticism against arcane darkness. The suspense builds slowly through mounting horror, building up to a climactic moment and a terrifying twist at the very end.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEN, AS NOW
by Andy McKell
Vivid imagery and marvelous satirical wit bring to life this hilarious tale of pagan gods and immigrant-wary administrations. Timely and satirical with just a hint of ominous foreboding.
Here are my critiques of the seven last stories.Ami Hart, “Gulch Correctional Facility”—taut pacing and fine characterization draw one into this well-paced, involving tale of a prison rescue that may or may not be for the good of all.
S.M.Kratchak, “Flight”—what seems a horror story of future or alien imprisonment becomes a tale—original, well written, and intense--of hard-gained metamorphosis.
Andy G, “Maturity”—from childhood to the top of life’s lightshow, or is it an elevator, as a clearly delineated lively girl, or 172-year-old woman, chooses through divergent time.
Laura, “Trading at the G and G”—a well written fun-Western-variation on post-nuclear-holocaust tropes.
Rich Magahiz, “Not So High and Mighty”—brought back to life without a body, this “talking head” talks back to the immortals, trading gloat for gloat.
Jeremy McLain, “NSA”—“You will always live in the Cloud,” says the voice at the processing center into Chuck’s ear not long before his brain cells are harvested. Taut and well-paced.
Ron Jones, “Hemoglobin”—a tale in the form of high-tech job ads, funny and macabre.
Thank you to everyone who took time to post their thoughts on the stories. You're insight is quite helpful and appreciated.
Andy G wrote: "I have to say, though, that somewhere around mid-week, I was getting a kind of Game of Thrones/ George RR Martin apprehension about Andy's work: Will he persevere? Will he remain alive long enough to finish? Whew!"LOL! I was wondering myself. And why I was doing it.
I am still here though, just.
There once was a bunch of critiquingAnd they insisted we vote before peeking
but I couldn't quite do
what they wanted me to
A remorseful glass of whiskey I'm seeking
