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message 1: by cosmic (last edited Nov 11, 2019 06:55PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

description
description




message 2: by cosmic (last edited Aug 19, 2018 11:32AM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #01

so after another sleepless night (make sure to tell brittany about it) i've come to terms with the fact that i am dreading friday, because the separation will be all too real when papi walks through the door and calls for my brother and i to sit down at the dinner table to talk. mom told me monday when i woke up at noon and i'm surprised i didn't cry so much when she told me.

i'm afraid that when both her and papi tell us, i'll cry even more.

and it sucks because i used to tell my classmates when we were trying to be serious in ms. evans class and talk about important topics that my parents would stay together. they'd go on and say that all couples eventually break up, and i interjected and said that my parents have been twenty-one years strong and will continue to be that strong. well that was a fucking lie.

please tell me this is a dream. that friday will come and my parents will give each other a loving hug and kiss after not seeing each other for a week; that papi won't have to talk to us, pack his belongings, then stay at tia and tio's house where i won't be able to see him day and night like i used to. please please please.




message 3: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:02PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #01

it turns out that he's coming home tomorrow, rather than on friday. fuck.




message 4: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:02PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #02

why do we keep going to the beach? at this rate, i’m going to want to hide in my house for two weeks




message 5: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:03PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #02

sometimes i feel high and mighty. i'm doing something productive, i'm making my parents proud, i don't fight with my brother, i can hold a decent conversation with my friends, i'm eating healthy, i'm exercising, i'm not picking at my acne.

and then i feel like i'm a bug that was just squashed and the feeling of being worthless lasts longer than my fleeting happiness. and for some reason, it always happens when i find something that i come to like in such a short time, no matter what that something is.

for instance, i started watching this new cdrama and it's really good and seeing as it's constantly uploading episodes, i've decided to keep up with it. but after i finished all the episodes this morning, waiting for the next two that come out the following day, i felt stuck. that feeling of worthlessness had come back after what? a week of feeling okay? i deleted the roleplay i was hosting on this instagram rping account i have, left three other roleplays, and i skipped breakfast and dinner today. i haven't had any motivation to do much writing, and i haven't responded to my friend about a possible day to hang out.

it sounds weird to think that once something really good in my life happens, i go down a depressing hole again, but i can't help but think that's exactly what's happening.

i won't be seeing brittany this week because i have an appointment with tia to the spa, a late brithday gift, so i can't tell her what's going on, and when i see her next week i won't bother talking about it and just ask to make beads necklaces again to distract myself.

mom noticed a change in my behavior as well because when she comes to wake me up at noon, she'll sit on my bed and just stare at me while i'm yawning and stretching, so i know she knows something is wrong, but what can i tell her? she'll just say that i need to talk to brittany.

we also have a rat problem in the house. it's partly why i haven't left my room at all today, unless it's to go to the bathroom or get a small bite to eat. we have a lot of problems in the house. mom called papi the other day and even though she was talking quietly, i still eavesdropped. she said that in about six months, she'll be broke if she doesn't make a placement at work, which means abuela will have to sell her house and move in with us to help out. which means my mom won't have time to make herself happy as she's been trying to since we came back from new york, which means none of us will truly be happy.

sometimes i want to cry, but the tears don't come out. instead, i end up laughing at every little thing, things that aren't even funny, like if i was going insane.

it's been a bad few days.




message 6: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:03PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #03

so, mom and dad are getting the divorce. as much as i wanted to pretend and hope that they could fix things and that they could get back together, i saw this coming. the second i saw mom with red eyes when she came to pick gabriel and i up from tia's house, i knew this was it.

and at the same time, i should be upset and in tears, but... i'm not. i've cried once, maybe, and told everyone that i'd be going on hiatus, but here i am? it's awful, the fact that i should be sad and yet i'm trying to distract myself with writing and rping and ugh.

i feel horrible.

at least we're getting a new cat. that's definitely something to look forward to.




message 7: by quq (last edited Aug 09, 2018 11:43PM) (new)

quq  (190511) | 2231 comments hello … i just want to say im sorry, for what most likely little comfort that gives you. also, if i interrupted im sorry for that too. i know that stereotype apologies and sympathy are annoying, but still, im here if you need anyone to talk to? cats are great, though. and purring can heal. i assume that includes emotions. well … i really hope you start feeling better, miranda. it’ll all work out eventually. you’ll still get your happiness.
- nova


message 8: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@nova : thank you so much nova (:




message 9: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:04PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #04

everywhere i go there's a fucking clique. like i get that people befriend each other but holy shit do they have to be so exclusive.

this isn't even goodreads. i'm talking about in real life and on instagram rps. ugh i'm sick of people today.




message 10: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:04PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #03

the school year hasn't even started and i'm already failing




message 11: by Creative Orange (new)

Creative Orange (Rumell Khan) (rkrespectedmember) | 1486 comments Oh. I am sorry, Cosmic. I am down as well myself. I wish I was back at college again.


message 12: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:04PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #05

there as another mass shooting in florida today, up in jacksonville. first parkland, now jacksonville. while i don't have family in either parts, it still breaks my heart to have to read a news article about it. ugh.

also, my cousin has had three seizures in the past two days. they rushed him to the hospital yesterday and he was diagnosed with epilepsy. i feel so bad for him; he's such a sweet boy. aside from that, the weekend was alright? i guess. spent some time with my dad, went to the beach on saturday. eh.




message 13: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:04PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #06

why is world building so damn hard? i just want to make a cool rp with a fictional land but why do i have to come up with so much information ahhhh

i keep complaining today cause it's just not one of my days, and one of my friends started calling me annoying and i had to take a few minutes to be by myself so i walked around the campus to calm down and then walked back over to them and they were ignoring me, so now i'm in my teacher's room waiting twenty minutes early for class to start.

ugh can the weekend show up already.




message 14: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:04PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #07

i think i'm going to go on an actual hiatus from gr and just focus on instagram rps. idk goodreads just seems so dead these days to the point where i'm literally begging for some new content to pop up.

if i do go on hiatus, this will probably be my last post for a while, and i'll only be ghosting on this website. bye !




message 15: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:04PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #08

i had a bit of a mental/emotional breakdown when i was in the middle of putting away dishes after dinner.

so with my parents divorcing, my mom wants to create new traditions for us to follow, since we're going to be a family of three. the thing is, the phrase family of three pains me to say and think about. we were always four, and a part of me doesn't want to accept that it's going to be three now, whether i'm with my mom or i'm with papi.

every night, we've been eating dinner together — mom, gabriel, and i — but we keep the tv on, which we used to have a strict no-electronics rule when eating dinner. so mom usually finishes eating first, and today i went to go grab my phone, because what's the point of having the tv on and mom is away from the table? it's not a family dinner.

she yelled at me, told me to sit down, i lost my appetite, started doing the dishes, and then i started to silently cry and stopped after like five minutes.

i just told mom that i was crying, and we comforted each other, she cried a little bit, i broke down again. i hate this divorce so much.




message 16: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@badger : ily2




message 17: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:04PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #09

surprisingly, working on my journalism assignments has been a great distraction for me. yesterday, i was feeling all kinds of down and sick and then i had to meet up with a junior and a sophomore classmate to go advertisement hunting for the upcoming october issue.

we went to a bunch of food places, cause that's obviously the stuff teenagers looked for. then we tried out this ortho place and we got the ad ! originally, the manager was going to buy the $150 one, but when he read our advisor's name and saw that it was his former classmate, he changed it to the $300 one.

i lowkey can't wait for school so that i can tell the marketing director i got a $300 ad.




message 18: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:05PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #10

retracted




message 19: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

sorry




message 20: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:05PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #04

when am i going to upload my rp

never




message 21: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:06PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #05

mental stability? time management? stress relief? don't know them




message 22: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:06PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #11

i'm not sure when exactly it happened, but i do know that there was a day when i realized that quality vs. quantity can go both ways.

sure, in anything that involves writing, teachers say that it should be quality over quantity. but i've only just realized that in certain cases, quantity over quality trumps all else.

i'm fat. just that statement alone describes exactly what you'll notice when you look at me. at my short height, i weigh more than the tallest girl i know, and she's almost a foot taller than me. i weigh more than my mother did before she was pregnant with me, and she was in her thirties at the time. the numbers that stare back at me when i stare at a scale are numbers that i never repeat to anybody, but still haunt my thoughts.

i would never call myself pretty — that would be too much of a stress. sometimes, i'm convinced i'm not even average-looking. and yet, i'm hardly ever concerned about my overall appearance. it's my weight that makes people glance at me once and never want to look at me again. it's my apparent double-chin, the jiggle in my thighs, the fact that i can't even wrap my hand around my wrist like plenty of other people do.

i have some curves, but there's so much fat on my body that you can't even see them. and that's another thing that people demand for you to be pretty. having curves and being thick are what make you pretty, but being thick in general is what makes you ugly.

when i ran for sophomore class president last year against the current president, i knew that there was little chance of winning. she's popular and people like her. i didn't realize that my class was so immature to only vote for her because she was prettier than me. when a classmate of mine told me that people had confessed to voting for her because of her looks, not even for what she had to offer for the class, it took every ounce of will in me to not burst into tears. as soon as i was in my mom's car, i lost it.

i get it, i do. people like pretty things, and it's only natural to want to be with pretty people. but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

it's bad enough that i feel like i'm not good enough. that i bore people with my try-hard and dry humor, or that something about me just ticks people off. i don't even follow the mainstream trends that so many people around me do. i told my journalism teacher about this, and she wasn't sure what to tell me.

and it's not like i don't try. i don't have access to a gym, so i go about skipping meals and essentially starving myself. i wash my hair everyday, try to dress nicely despite having a uniform, and put on makeup or jewelry. my mom used to tell me that if i dressed up more often, people would approach me. i rely on people i meet online to be my friends, and then i'm afraid that they don't like me much either. and even though i try, i continue to ruin everything and mess up.

quantity triumphs quanlity. the numbers on the scale and the looks on people's faces are enough proof.

i'm fat. people don't like fat people.




message 23: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:06PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #06

i've made so many mistakes and i'm so uninspired on this website that i'm probably just going to stay on instagram rps permanently




message 24: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:07PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #07

i am the type of person that either runs from her mistakes or changes myself entirely over it




message 25: by Angel (new)

Angel (angelyh) | 239 comments fake it ‘til u make it!!

(unless u get to where am i rn, in which ppl think i am stupidly confident in my sub-par abilities haha)


message 26: by cosmic (last edited Oct 25, 2020 06:48AM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #13

retracted, i was on some dumb bitch shit




message 27: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:07PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #14

why do i do this to myself?

the second i start feeling good, start feeling motivation to lose weight, stop picking at my acne, do better in school, be nice to my brother, attempt to make friends, not stress myself out, i fuck it all up.

i binge-eat, start picking at non-existent blackheads, stay up until four in the morning and fail the quiz i have in class, lose my temper with my brother, hide myself from the public, join more roleplays and take on more responsibilities.

i feel like i'm having a constant battle with the angel and devil on my shoulders, yet i always end up listening to the devil.

why do i do this to myself?




message 28: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:07PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #08

it's also been a year since jonghyun died, and my overall mood today is all over the place




message 29: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:08PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #15

retracted




message 30: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:08PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #09

floating away doesn't sound like a bad idea




message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

pluto / hiatus wrote: "
i'm meeting her. i'm meeting her. i'm meeting her. i'm meeting her. i'm meeting her.
i'm meeting her. i'm meeting her. i'm meeting her. i'm meeting her. i'm meeting her.
i'm meeting her. i'm mee..."


Who are you meeting?


message 32: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@trey : my father's girlfriend




message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

Why are you scared?


message 34: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@trey : my parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce, and i'm scared of the idea that my dad already has a girlfriend while my mom is constantly suffering. i'm scared that i'll like her too much and hurt my mom by talking about her. it's a lot of reasons.




message 35: by [deleted user] (new)

Awww, dang , that's a tough situation. I was going to say hopefully you like her but I feel like in these circumstances....eh, you should be able to like anybody you want If she is really nice, at least be kind to her. But yeah, sincerest apologies about the divorce.


message 36: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@trey : thanks for the comment




message 37: by [deleted user] (new)

When do you meet her?


message 38: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@trey : i met her on the 2nd




message 39: by [deleted user] (new)

So you already did meet her? How did that go?


message 40: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@trey : she was really nice, which i expected considering she has to warm up to my brother and i. met her for a dinner with my dad. i don't know, i don't have much of a big opinion on her.




message 41: by [deleted user] (new)

I'm guessing another date will follow since I'd went so well?


message 42: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@trey : yeah, obviously. she's visited my dad's house multiple times since then.




message 43: by [deleted user] (new)

Andddddddd........well, how did those events go between you and her????


message 44: by cosmic (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

@trey : sorry, i'd rather not talk much about her :// the topic is still a bit sensitive to me, especially since i argued with my dad about it two days ago




message 45: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:09PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #10

out of place
out of touch
out of mind




message 46: by [deleted user] (new)

cosmic / hiatus wrote: "
@trey : sorry, i'd rather not talk much about her :// the topic is still a bit sensitive to me, especially since i argued with my dad about it two days ago
"


apologies, apologies, apologies.
How are ya?


message 47: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:10PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

BLURB #11

my motivation goes from -14 to 100 in .00000000002 seconds




message 48: by [deleted user] (new)

How you doing today?


message 49: by cosmic (last edited Jul 16, 2019 07:10PM) (new)

cosmic (erosful) | 109 comments

RANT #16

journalism was supposed to be a place of solace for me, somewhere that i could go to to express my thoughts and opinions in writing. that's how it was at the beginning of the year, and i'd been published twice in the first newspaper of the year, once in the online version, AND i'd been able to get a $300 advertisement.

and now, now, i hate being in the classroom. everyone has their own cliques and i'm on the sidelines, borges thinks i'm too common to be worth her time (sorry, not everyone can be loud-mouthed and close-minded like daniel, mrs. i didn't realize you preferred students like that), and i never have any time to freakin breathe.

this week, i was assigned 2 homlec, 4 articles, 1 yearbook story, and 1 layout. not to mention, my 2 blog posts, the newspaper package, and my twitter assignment. i feel like i'm freakin drowning, but it makes me feel selfish because i know everyone else in this room is drowning too.

when did i become such a shitty student? i loved the class in the first few months of school, and now i just want to do nothing but run away from the assignments and deadlines and judgment.

i seriously hope that i'll get to move to a new school when mom sells the house. i thought i could handle rigorous courses, but now i just hate it.




message 50: by [deleted user] (new)

So are you gonna have to face that excruciating workload or are you going to make a demand for less exhausting classes because you shouldn't have to go through that? some times we can't handle that much and its fine, nothing to be ashamed of


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