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RANT #17
ok so i know wattpad is a terrible terrible place to post stories bc people get plagiarized and the content on the site itself isn't awe-worthy but i have !! this new story idea that i started planning last week and it gets me so excited to talk and think about
this has genuinely been the first time in a while where i'm happy to write and i'm looking forward to coming up with ideas and stuff. like i know ppl get stressed over having low read or vote rated and i'm sure that stress will get to me someday but for now i just really really want to finish planning everything and just start writing
i'm by no means a fantastic writer and i have A LOT i need to improve on so the process of the book would actually,,, take a long while until i'm satisfied if the words i'm spewing but,, aH
i just feel all giddy and woo hoo and i don't hate the idea of writing an actual book for once
BLURB #12
this week has seriously been terrible. between the burning sun scandal, the new zealand shooting, and just politics in general, the world needs to take a real big chill pill.
RANT #18
so universe, let's have a talk.
why the fuck do you keep tryna screw me over? like these past two weeks have been nothing but shit... and even more shit. i read rant #18 again and i'm like ???? where did that writing inspo go ??? i'm literally here ranting instead of catching up on posts ???
also why tf does math insist on pulling numbers out of thin fucking air. like,,, yes, i found sinB but where the fuck did the number for the smallest angle come from sjdkhff
oh and not to mention, my dad went on a website blocking spree again so i'm using my mom's laptop bc whatever it is he did, it's messing up my laptop and nothing l o a d s.
aND WHY DOES MS. BORGES THINK IT'S OKAY TO YEET OUT LIKE 5 ASSIGNMENTS WHEN TESTING SEASON IS STARTING. and the freakin seniors get to sit back and enjoy watching us in pain while they do their capstones. i want to yELL AT SOMEONE
i have a therapy appointment tomorrow so yay
also i saw call me by your name twice today and it was great
RANT #19
It's been a while, hasn't it? I keep finding myself in an endless cycle of comfort and helplessness, activity and procrastination, and as I slipped back into the latter of both those, I had to drift away from Goodreads.
And honestly? I'm not sure when I'll return. I keep hoping and praying that my procrastination will go away once the summer kicks in (2 weeks left), but it doesn't seem like it'll happen.
I blame myself. I blame my inability to push through my stress. I blame my tendency to dwell on even the smallest of harmful things, labeling myself a victim when in reality, I'm doing nothing but harming my mentality, my grades, my social life, my relationship with my parents.
Between the divorce, the stress from my classes, and now having to make a decision based on an ultimatum regarding where I'm going to be next year, I've failed to keep perspective.
There are so many people in my life that are dealing with much worse than I am, yet I burden them with my issues and go to them to rant — and then I forget to ask how they're doing.
Fuck, my best friend overdosed. My other best friend experienced her first heartbreak. Some of my friends are in the same situation as me, yet where is my focus? On me. I'm always selfishly concerned about my own life, and I fucking forget to be there for them.
That's one of the reasons why I'm drifting from Goodreads. Aside from the inability to properly form a decent RP post, I don't want to burden anyone else.
I don't know, I'm probably just spewing random bullshit. Am I on a hiatus? I think? I always say I'm on hiatus, but then I return a few days later. Maybe I'll take it seriously this time.
RANT #20
So the summer has been interesting... so far. I'm working at a sports summer camp by my house, and it's a camp that I've been attending since I was seven.
And honestly? I could rant about that chaos all day, but I'll just sum it up here:
— Most of the campers that I grew up with and could easily recognize are gone, save for like less than ten. I miss my children.
— The volunteers suck ass. I'm the only one doing the work alongside the counselors. Yet they get the special privileges. They make me want to scream.
— Well, except for one volunteer. I have a crush on him; it's all good.
— My brother insists that because I'm a volunteer and he's an older camper, he can hit me as he pleases. I'm going to punch him in the throat one of these days.
— I was assigned to the little kids right away, which sucks ass because the other volunteers get to float around and have free time while I'm busy dealing with crybabies.
— At least the coach helping me is a sweetheart. Shout-out to Coach Maria.
— I'm at camp every weekday from 8-5, and I've had little to no time to RP, which sucks ass.
— Going back on that crush... being with him also makes me feel really insecure because when I met him in middle school, I was thinner and a bit prettier. I wonder what he thinks of me now.
Also! I'm four days late but happy birthday to me. My birthday was just as chaotic, LOL. I had to go to camp until lunch, then I left to go to my other friend's birthday ( yes, I went to someone else's party on my own birthday ), then I left that to spend time with family.
The morning had gone well. I was telling one of my camper friends that I was born exactly at 10:23 A.M., and she secretly told the camp directors, because just at that time, all of the 100 campers started singing "happy birthday" to me. I probably would've cried were it not for the weird face my brother was sending me in the back of the room.
Then I went to my friend's house and we played Super Smash Bros and watched Jojo ( this anime she wanted to introduce to me ). Then I spent the night with my dad, my aunt and uncle, and my dad's girlfriend and her kids. It was a fun day.
I'm going on week three of camp, and I hope it stays semi-okay.
BLURB #13
this week has been miserable
BLURB #14
i just spent the last hour saving images of beautiful dresses and rich aesthetics and
now i aspire to be a classy bithc
BLURB #15
haven't been here in a while.
RANT #21
I miss GR. I miss RPing and making characters and stressing over coding. It feels like every time I’m hit with an urge to be active on GR, I’m reminded that the RP community is practically dead here.
Instagram RP is fun and all, but it’s become too much for me. Everyone is petty and cliques are everywhere. I have a lot of friends there, but I feel like an outcast and my muse constantly wavers. I’ve already decided to go on a hiatus from there, and only keep a few 1x1s. Instagram is where I’d go when I want diversity in RPs or to make new friends, but GR is where I felt like a genuinely advanced RPer.
And now it’s dead.
I’ve been working on a group on the lowkey, hoping that by some miracle, a bunch of people will join when I open it to the public. I doubt it, to be honest, but a girl can dream.
Damn, I just really miss RPing.
RANT #22
It's been a hot minute.
These past two months have been shitty. Instagram RPs went batshit crazy with the exposures again, and I got caught in a stupid web of drama that I never asked to be in. When you make a 7-page rant on Google Docs about a community, that's an easy sign that it's toxic.
I've been doing amazing in school compared to last year, and now everything's fucked with coronavirus. Online school is so unbearable; nothing is organized, everything's chaotic, and I'm always so confused. I miss being in a classroom with my friends and being the only student to answer questions, even if I had to wake up early as fuck. I don't have the same drive to do work, and it sucks ass because I should finish off strong this quarter.
Penny was put down on Friday, and I was devastated. She's always been in my life, and now she's gone. My mom asked why I was so emotional about the situation, and I kind of explained how guilty I felt that I never appreciated Penny's youth because I was terrified of her. She bit my face when I was three, and I never got over my fear until she was too old to play. I wish I could reverse those years, show her how much I loved and cared for her. She fought to live for so long, that I never imagined my life without her until my dad was driving her to Animal Control.
Thankfully, GR's active again because everybody is bored as shit, and I was excited to RP again but my muse has been so shitty. I went on a hiatus on Instagram and haven't joined anything new, and I haven't made any progress on the only RP I've joined here.
Fuck.
BLURB #16
feeling a little worthless rn
BLURB #18
feeling vulnerable. if someone hugged me right now, i think i'd cry in their arms.
BLURB #19
writing inspo:
https://sun.co.vu/post/184812988907/w...
https://soracities.tumblr.com/post/16...
https://yours-sincerelyy.tumblr.com/p...
https://uruwu.tumblr.com/post/1767431...
https://musepirations.tumblr.com/post...
https://leneemusing.tumblr.com/post/1...
https://ofmymuses.tumblr.com/post/170...
https://leneemusing.tumblr.com/post/1...
https://sun.co.vu/post/186157137832/b...
https://museinspo.tumblr.com/post/622...
https://gcldenachilles.tumblr.com/pos...
BLURB #20
do i want to make a new journal just to make it all ~aesthetically pleasing~?
yes.
will i?
no.
RANT #23
MY SCHOOL IS SO FUCKING INCOMPETENT.
How the hell are you going to tell students that seniors have "top priority" in schedule changes, then give me two classes I DIDN'T ASK FOR and completely CHANGE MY ENTIRE SCHEDULE.
I went from having AP Euro History and asking for AP Environmental Science and Journalism 4.......... to having TWO P.E. CLASSES???? I TOOK P.E. ALREADY. I DON'T NEED THAT CREDIT ANYMORE. STOP GIVING ME CLASSES I DON'T WANT.
I want to cry. I want to scream and cry.
Like I know this shit doesn't matter at the end of the day but holy fuck, it's my senior year and I want to have classes I genuinely like. Why is it so fucking hard to give me the proper schedule when my mom emailed my counselor, one vice principal, AND THE OTHER vice principal just to get a schedule change? And then I get the most fucked up schedule.
I want to drop out.
BLURB #21
i stole this from jenny bc i'm bored and avoiding stuff i need to do
▪ your favorite face claims:
kiko mizuhara, i.mrsh, and reece king.
▪ your least favorite face claims:
fcs with problematic pasts and tiktok fcs. they tend to go hand-in-hand, tbh.
▪ face claims that you are dying to use:
yael shelbia, kail peery, cris calenda, and nikkita chada.
▪ face claims that you are dying to play against:
toni mahfud, lily collins, and jung jaehyun.
▪ your favorite original-verse oc (or one of your favorites):
my all-time favorite would have to be astrid tachibana, but i love some ocs i have in rps at the moment ( delancey, eloise, riordan, and townes ).
▪ your favorite fandom oc (or one of your favorites):
the bianchi family from harry potter universe. i've never rped them or joined a group with them, but i hope i get to in the future.
▪ your favorite oc who isn’t yours (or one of your favorites):
oh shit, uhhhhh. i have too many, and i'm worried i'll leave someone out, so no comment.
▪ your favorite fandom character to have played:
marlene mckinnon, i guess? she's the only one i've had, to be honest. i have played the children of book characters before, but they were my own ocs.
▪ a fandom character who you would really like to play:
nobody, because i feel like i wouldn't do the character justice.
▪ a fandom character who you would like to interact with:
also nobody, i guesS?
▪ an rpg that meant a lot to you:
oooh, i've got a lot of those. there's collete boarding school, santoro universe, pandora's quest, shiver hollow, perfection, aeonian, false gods, and there's probably more that are slipping my mind, but these are the first that i can remember.
▪ an rpg that you’re excited about:
aeonian, false gods, and my own rp that i plan on hosting at the end of the year or start of next year.
▪ an rpg that you’d like to create:
i've wanted to create an rp that requires so much worldbuilding for SUCH a long time. i tend to rely on books i've read for inspiration, like the group i have planned is based off of pjo but it's not really like that. idk, i just want to have the opportunity to create an entire universe from scratch, because i feel like those rps tend to do really well? the last rp that i hosted that was like that was shiver hollow with ashley, but she made up a majority of the worldbuilding, so it's not like i can take a good chunk of credit.
i also love rps that have like a huuuuuge plot and heavy characterization and just ugh!! i wish i was a good enough writer and plotter to be able to create the rps that i want.
▪ your favorite rp friendship:
right now, it's delancey and the rest of the olympians and astrid and her bff drey malek.
▪ your favorite rp otp:
astrid and dimitri bring up my writing muse like no other. but i also lovelovelove matias and salem, ivy and cora, hannah and robin, and hershey and milan. most of these are otps i've had on instagram, but they're just so amazing.
▪ your favorite rp notp:
i'm not really sure, whoop.
▪ your favorite rp family relationship:
the delucas in santoro universe, the olympians in false god, the bishops in shiver hollow, and the bianchis.
▪ your favorite rp universe/world:
santoro!! i mention it a lot, LMAO, but it's an rp that's been going on for almost three years now, and i've been in 4 out of the 5 total rps. it's absolutely one of my favorite rps. but i also love aeonian and elysium city, at the moment.
▪ your favorite non-playable character:
hmmmm, i guess azul santoro? i don't know a lot of npcs in rp, sorry.
▪ your first rp character:
HAHAHA OKAY SO, let me introduce you all to princess emerald. i made her for a children of disney characters rp, and she was the adopted daughter of jasmine and aladdin. her biological parents were evil scientists who experimented on her, which resulted in her having earth manipulation. even though she was adopted, she was the heir to the throne?? idk, 11 y/o cosmic was wild. she dated the son of captain hook, and they're my first ever rp otp (': i rped her for about a year on moviestarplanet forums, and then me and the rper of emerald's bf switched over to chatstep. we lost contact after about two years, and i never used emerald again after that. also, her fc was lily collins.
▪ your latest rp character:
delancey in false gods and calloway in santoro universe. i made them both on the same day.
▪ a plot that you’d like to play out:
i have soooo many. i love angsty plots so much. give me a plot that makes me want to cry? i'm 100% down for it. right now i'm totally craving enemies to lovers, but that's because of delancey and kaiden. i'm excited to rp them in false gods.
▪ a real-world setting that you’d like to use as the setting of a plot:
i've wanted to do coastal towns in france or italy. i had an rp on instagram that was based in bonifacio, france.
▪ your favorite rp genre:
i don't have one tbh? i find that i join a lot of groups with fantasy elements, whether it's people with powers or mythology or supernatural species. i think it just depends on what i'm vibing with at the moment.
▪ a quote you’d like to use to build a character on:
i kind of have one? i find it easier to base relationship ideas on quotes rather than characters. the one i have is "don't disturb my peace if you're not ready for me. i'm a whole blessing, not some damn fling." i love confident characters, but i tend to struggle with rping them because i'm not confident at all. so i'd love to have a character that can effortlessly be badass and potentially say that to someone.
▪ a song you’d like to use to build a character on:
sober by suzy! whenever i listen to it, i imagine a rich kid that parties and drinks their life away because they aren't able to find something to live for. idk, i just live for dysfunctional characters.
▪ a song you’d like to use to build an rp relationship on:
i have so many, omg. i made a list for these because i wanted 1x1s on instagram. i've got words by birdy, fool's gold by one direction, heartache on the big screen by 5sos, a world alone by lorde, quit by ariana grande, ending scene by iu, light by sleeping at last, avalance by walk the moon, 11 blocks by wrabel, utican by novo amor, don't you know by jaymes young, temporary fix by one direction, and hello? by clairo.
watch me do this later tonight too omg
BLURB #22
songs that enhance dumbass hours:
01 — go girl by pitbull
02 — anything by bbno$ ( but preferably mememe, sriracha, and nursery )
03 — like a fire ( live ) by shinee
04 — fun! by fromis_9
05 — boys by lizzo
06 — kissing strangers by dnce
07 — suave by el alfa
08 — gasolina by daddy yankee
09 — fireball by pitbull
10 — waka waka by shakira
11 — wake me up before you go-go by wham!
12 — mr blue sky by electric light orchestra
13 — we go together by grease cast
14 — birthday suit by cosmo sheldrake
15 — gaston by beauty and the beast cast
16 — go go by bts
17 — anpanman by bts
18 — pump it by black eyed peas
19 — fergalicious by fergie
20 — come on eileen by dexys midnight runners
21 — rasputin by boney m
22 — funky town by lipps inc
23 — can't get over you by joji
24 — pound the alarm by nicki minaj
25 — caroline by amine
26 — broccoli by dram
27 — banana by dj fle
28 — act my age by one direction
29 — boomboom by seventeen
30 — fake id by riton
31 — satisfaction by the biz
32 — crystal dolphin by engelwood
33 — 50//50 by vantage
34 — nalina by block b
35 — stadium rave by spongebob
BLURB #23
i made that for scientific purposes okay
BLURB #23
an rp preferences q&a that i found tumblr, tweaked to fit goodreads rps
( bold what applies )
BASICS
▪ name
— cosmic, though i do answer to cos, cosmiccy, egg, eggo, miri, miranda, or dotter.
▪ are you over 18?
— yes / no
▪ when did you start rp?
— i was like 10/11, so around 2013. i did roleplay in games prior to that, but i began official literate rp in 2013.
WRITING
▪ are you selective about who you write with?
— no ( anyone ) / semi ( most people ) / yes ( some people ) / highly ( few people ) / private ( mutuals only )
▪ are you selective about who you friend?
— no ( anyone ) / semi ( most people ) / yes ( some people ) / highly ( few people )
▪ if your character is canon, how much do you adhere to canon?
— not at all / a little / some / mostly / strictly / n/a
▪ what post lengths do you write?
— one liners / single para / multi para / novella
▪ do you write on other platforms?
— yes / no
▪ what level of plots do you write?
— unplotted / open ended plots ( set up a meeting and see what happens ) / semi-plotted ( one or two steps ahead ) / fully plotted epics ( plotted beginning, middle, and end )
▪ how quickly do you usually respond to threads?
— very slow ( more than a month ) / slow ( 3 - 4 weeks ) / average ( 1 - 2 weeks ) / fast ( less than one week ) / very fast ( less than three days )
▪ what rp elements do you like?
— fluff / angst / smut / action / tragedy / domestic / family / conversational / hurt - comfort
▪ what rp genres do you like?
— fantasy / supernatural / science fiction / historical / horror / comedy / romantic / drama / action / adventure / espionage
▪ are there any elements you're uncomfortable writing?
— yes / no
▪ do you have any triggers?
— yes / no
SHIPPING
▪ what types of relationships are you open to?
— romantic / platonic / familial ( canon ) / familial ( ocs )
▪ what types of pre-established relationships are you open to?
— romantic / platonic / familial ( canon ) / familial ( ocs )
▪ do you have otps?
— yes / chemistry only / no
▪ do you have notps?
— yes / no
▪ what are your character's sexual orientations
— heterosexual / heteroflexible / bisexual / homoflexible / homosexual / pansexual / demisexual / sapiosexual / asexual / ambiguous
▪ what are your character's romantic orientations
— heteroromantic / heteroflexible / biromantic / homoflexible / homoromantic / panromantic / demiromantic / sapioromantic / aromantic
▪ are you comfortable writing smut?
— yes / selectively / no
▪ how early in a relationship do you ship romantically?
— autoship / during plotting / after a few ic interactions / after several ic interactions / slow burn / never
▪ are you open to toxic ships?
— yes / selectively / no
▪ are you open to problematic ships?
— yes / selectively / no
▪ are you open to polyshipping?
— yes / selectively / no
▪ are you an excluse shipper?
— yes / sometimes / no
▪ does crack shipping ever happen?
— yes / no
the coding fucked up the writing badly damn
cosmiccy <3 this is EPIC. i might steal this at some point haha
RANT #24
gonna overshare real quick because i don't know where else to put all my feelings.
i had driving practice just now and i had a breakdown at some point because my dad wanted me to do some maneuver in reverse, and i told him i didn't want to. this is the fourth time i've practiced and i'm not even comfortable enough to use the accelerator yet. but this man made me feel like shit because i said no about one maneuver, when i've been doing just fine the entire time, and well..............
i just want to know in what right mind are you going to see that your daughter has depression and anxiety ( both re-confirmed by the doctor you just saw a month ago ) and insist that she needs to be happy and be free. like if it's that fucking simple.
i just want to know in what right mind are you going to make your daughter's middle school years a living hell by never giving her social media access and making her afraid that she was doing every single thing wrong and take away her electronics and passions all the time, and insist that she needs to stop hiding behind a wall.
and then he asked me if i'm afraid of anything, and i said yes, and he ridiculed me for it.
wanna know what i'm afraid of? rejection, abandonment, feeling worthless, feeling like someone's talking shit about me behind my back, feeling like everything i do is being scrutinized, feeling like i'll never be good enough, wondering if i'm ever going to fall in love, wondering if i'll be so desperate for love that i fall in love with an abusive piece of shit, wondering if i'll ever lose weight and be healthy, wondering if i'll ever help my mom financially and get her the fuck out of america, wondering if my brother really thinks i don't care about him, wondering if my step-sisters will follow in my footsteps, wondering if we're going to lose my mom's house, the only place i've ever lived in and recognize as home, wondering if i'll be stuck in this hellhole for the rest of my fucking life.
i'm afraid of never being happy.
i can't put myself out there because i don't know how and that only leads to me being rejected. i know that this is just the recipe for "i'M nOt LiKe OtHeR gIrLs, I'm QuIrKy" but i don't fucking fit in. i'm so fucking depressing when i'm in my classes; i don't talk to anyone, at all, and i hardly even know most of the people in my classes.
i'm in senior year and i've never been invited to a party, never hung out with friends on the weekend, never had study dates, never taken cute af instagram photos for each other, never gone to a field trip, never gone to any school events. and now i can't do shit because of covid, but my dad wants to sit here and question WHY i have no life?
and then to top it off, he says that my mom does the same shit i'm doing and completely throws her under the bus. like listen up ASSHOLE, just because the two of you are divorced doesn't mean you get to dictate how my mom has handled her trauma these last few years. my mom went through hell and back on multiple occasions, but he thinks that because he's moved on and found himself a pretty young girlfriend who has money and drinks wine like the pretentious bitch she has, my mom has to follow in his footsteps.
i hate him i hate him i hate him, and he never lets me stay mad at him and it fucking SUCKS. he never lets me hold grudges because he thinks he can never do anything wrong, but when i tell him all of this, he calls me a dramatic bitch.
literally, he has sat across from me at a table while i was crying and said, "you're being a dramatic bitch and i'm not going to listen to you."
okay dad. you're a piece of shit who gaslights me and makes me feel so much more worthless than i already do. but, y'know, i get slapped and have my electronics taken away if i don't listen to you.
i just want to leave. i can't wait until i'm 18 and i can avoid him until i move out of florida.
the way this all started because i said i wasn't comfortable doing something yet, LMAOOOO.
hi idk if i'm allowed to comment on here but i just wanna say that i completely understand how you're feeling about your father. if you ever want to talk about it somewhere else or just need someone to rant to, i'm always here for you <3
of course you are. thank you di, ily <3
BLURB #24
had another argument with my dad and i feel so emotionally drained from it. like, my chest and head hurt.
BLURB #25
i keep telling myself that it's okay to have bad days, that i'm living thru a global pandemic and nobody should expect that i'm in perfect condition. but i'm so fucking tired of this life thing.
BLURB #26
i'm so tired of being a disappointment
you're not a disappointment D: i love you <3
miri you're never a disappointment ♡ you're so talented and amazing and cute and nice, and i love you for who you are <333
i love you guys, thank you
just having a rough night (':
Hey I just found your journal 💜
RANT #25
this is such a pointless thing to be upset about, but i need to get it off my chest in a ( hopefully ) comprehensible way.
i'm so disappointed in the netflix live-action of winx club.
winx club encompassed my elementary and early middle school years. i used to record every single episode and watch them when i came home from school or on the weekends when i was supposed to be doing chores. i fell in love with every aspect, from the bright colors, to the representation in races, the outfits, the plots, the friendships, the romances, EVERYTHING.
and now i'm seeing the live-action, and all that has gone to the dump. everything that made the winx club the winx club is gone. instead, it's like a spin-off of the chilling adventures of sabrina. they're just cancelling one witch show and creating another, and for what?
white-washing : (view spoiler)
outfits : (view spoiler)
setting : (view spoiler)
other characters : (view spoiler)
maturity : (view spoiler)
i think i'm done venting. like i said, i'm not really sure what my entire point was, but i can promise that i plan to stay very far away from the live-action unless netflix pulls a sonic and fixes their shit.
if they fixed their shit, i don't think it would sell as much though.
edge wrote: "if they fixed their shit, i don't think it would sell as much though."
nah, i think it would, but knowing netflix, it could be cancelled for no reason. they've managed to cancel most of the shows that have proper representation and a good plot. and anyways, based on what i've seen from ppl reacting to the winx trailer, not a lot of people plan on watching it. i think if everything was fixed, the show would have a way better shot
BLURB #27
i hate getting attached to things bc then it consumes my mind and i can't do anything but feed my attachment and it's just this weird feeling. like my chest feels weird. idk how to explain this BYE.
BLURB #28
i haven't felt this anxious about smth in such a long time
it's making me sick
