Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
...some sort of rudimentary baby carriage?' ventured Des, 'Look, there's a brand name on the handle - it says 'Asda'. What can it mean?'"it means' said Baz, 'that you can't escape from vandalism even in this remote spot, but more importantly, it also means...
....of those gift vouchers. There’s free entry to a theme park, a pack of Turkey Twizzlers, a year’s supply of any cleaning product or.....
WHAT!? interrupted Barry excitedly. A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF CLEANING PRODUCTS? I'M IN!There is just one problem, stated Diana. Judging by the presence of this trolley, there must be an ASDA nearby but, as usual we don't have any money.
What's that I hear? said Sir David smoothly. No money? Well don't worry. I never carry money and yet ...
...I move smoothly through the world. Whatever I need is provided, my every wish is catered for'.'Do you also think that everywhere smells of fresh paint?' enquired Baz, with just a hint of sarcasm.
'You're confusing me with the Queen' smiled Sir David disarmingly 'Believe me some of those bat caves...
... could do with a lick of paint but the TV audience just wouldn't buy it. Instead we spray them with industrial strength deodorant. It does something to reduce the unpleasantness and the bats are very grateful I can assure you.Francis and Rocky nodded in agreement with the sentiment.
By now, everyone was reasonably clean and rapidly drying off.
Let's find this ASDA, said Baz. It might even have a restaurant if it's a big store - I'm dying for a cup of coffee!
I'd like to see a theme park, piped up Rocky. But which way ...
... should we go?Well, said Sir David, for an extraordinary amount of money, you could go to the Amazon Jungle Theme Park, where you may or may not see well-concealed elusive wildlife hidden in the lush vegetation of the rainforest.
Isn't that what we've been doing? grumbled Des. Are you saying we've been wasting our time?
I LOVE MIMES! said Barry.
No no, said Sir David. I think you are on great adventure! Did I ever tell you about the time I...
If I don't get a cup of coffee really really soon, said Des, I'm going to kill Sir David.
I'll help you, said Diana. Now, let's just...
...think about the best way to find the supermarket. Can anyone see any trolley tracks? any discarded wrappers? lost receipts?There's a money off voucher over here, said Des.
WHAT'S IT FOR? asked Barry. IF IT'S CHOCOLATE, IT"S MINE!
Sorry, it's for baby's nappies and we haven't got one
Never mind that, let's just go this way then. Diana strode off down the trail, expecting the others to follow but she had only gone a little way when she realised that...
...her fellow adventurers were all gathered around the large chrome basket with the metal frame with legs, and castors as wheels. They were taking it in turns trying to force open a sliding mechanism on the handlebar.'What are you lot doing?' Diana asked. 'Have you found a clue as to the artefact's owner? Does it date from the time of the Incas? Is it a Mayan chariot?'
'No, we don't think so,' Des replied. 'It looks like there's an old-style pound coin wedged in here. The best guess we've come up with so far is that it might be a...
"...Have races in the supermarket car park?" suggested Des, butting in. "Or, I could try standing in it and use it as my pulpit. I reckon the local natives could do with saving from themselves.""If the locals have been saving, themselves, that must mean there is a bank somewhere," suggested Baz. "Anybody got an Amazon Debit card? Or even a...
...weapon of some sort. We could become the Amazon Gang and go around robbing banks and supermarkets and ...No, we will not! spluttered Des. I'm 86 years old and a man of God and I'm not going to turn criminal at my time of life.
Well. In that case, suggested Diana we could use the pound to...
...buy a lottery ticket and with Des's connections...''NO! NO!' shouted Des in agitation, 'it's absolutely forbidden! I couldn't possibly even think of such a thing! Really, you mustn't ask me...'
'Okay, calm down, it was only an idea, as we're all so hungry,' soothed Diana, 'I thought you might stretch a point but it looks as if we'll have to rely on Sir David to exercise a little of his charm. A pound won't go very far among so many, especially if we're replenishing the Cillit Bang stocks.'
'THAT"S REALLY IMPORTANT. WE NEVER KNOW WHEN WE MIGHT NEED SOME. IN FACT...'
...THIS TROLLEY IS IN A DREADFUL STATE. JUST LOOK AT THE CHROME AND, AS FOR THOSE WHEELS, WELL I CAN'T BEGIN TO ...
...TELL YOU HOW SHABBY THEY ARE LOOKING.Look, said Diana. First of all we have to find the supermarket. We can discuss things as we go along.
No one could argue with that so they all agreed.
I'll tell you what, said Francis the mule. Why don't you hitch up the trolley to me then hop in and I'll pull you all along - I need a bit of proper exercise.
YES! GREAT IDEA. BAGS THE CHILD SEAT, shouted Barry excitedly. LET'S GO!
Well, commented Sir David with a twinkle. I see you have a plan. Now, my documentary isn't going to make itself so ...
... I'll just start filming your great adventure!Meanwhile, the Travellers hooked Francis up to the ancient trolley. After several miles, Francis said, I think I'm getting a rash.
Des looked him over and said, You do look a bit red.
Barry said, HE'S DEAD?!
No no, said Diana, I think he's allergic to rust.
Crocodile Dundee said, I had a rash once. I made a poultice out of mud, twigs, and river slime, and it cleared it up in a flash, although the wife complained about the smell, and sent me on an extended walkabout!
I'll get the twigs, said Diana.
I'll get the mud, said Rocky.
No one volunteered for the river slime.
Hey Sir David, said Des, Why don't you put down your camera for a mo and...
...get down and dirty with the rest of us? We're all in this together.''Sorry, it plays havoc with the continuity if I get mud on my clothes and they're still clean in the next clip we insert.'
'BOTHER YOUR FILM. WE'RE HUNGRY.' Barry was looking quite menacing, Sir David took a hasty step back and...
(Thanks, TB) :o)
Diana stepped in hastily.Now children, she joked. Everyone is tired and hungry. Sir David is a nonagenarian and I think at his age we shouldn't expect him to muck in with the rest of us. Besides we can't do with him getting slime on his expensive equipment. A fogged lens might be flattering but it's not exactly suitable for a gritty documentary.
At this moment Rocky Raccoon piped up from a short distance away where he was hidden in the undergrowth.
I think I've found the way to the supermarket, he said. There's a path here leading away from the river. It's covered in litter - mostly food wrapping and discarded lottery scratchcards - and ...
a special offer bogof voucher for Cillit Bang!''I'LL TAKE THAT,' chortled Barry, snatching at the crumpled paper.
'Oh no, you won't,' came a squeak from overhead and a second later...
...(or rather her ) watch. 'Time we moved on, that pesky parrot doesn't bother me; apart from anything else, I'm green already'.Francis had concluded that as far as his rust was concerned, the cure was worse than the disease. 'I feel a lot better, let's carry on' he suggested, 'but why are we schlepping this old trolley with us anyway - who's idea was it?'
'Yours, Francis' chorused the company. 'So it was' he mumbled, blushing , 'not one of my brightest notions'.
Barry seemed on the verge of tears. "But what about my voucher?'
'Where do you think the parrot will be headed with it?' said Rocky with a grin.
'To the supermarket of course!' Barry brightened visibly 'We can get it back off the feathered felon there'.
They pushed the trolley into the undergrowth and set off again in the direction of...
...ASDA! exclaimed Barry. IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE MARKING ON THE TROLLEY!And what does ASDA mean in Spanish? queried Diana.
Well, replied Francis adopting a lecturing tone:
Al is the Spanish word for 'to the'
S is 'Supermercado'
D is 'dirección'
A stands for 'allá' - it means 'over there' or 'yonder'
... and that arrow underneath is of course the same in any language.
Very impressive, said Rocky, looking at Francis with a renewed sense of respect.
So, asked Diana. What does the whole thing stand for?
"Al Supermercado, Dirección Allá"? said Francis. It means roughly "To supermarket, direction yonder." and then there's the arrow.
Surreptitiously Diana took out her satellite phone and typed "To supermarket, direction yonder" into Google Translate. Sure enough it came out as "Al supermercado, dirección allá". She showed it to Sir David.
Hmm ... That seems to confirm it, mused Sir David. I think ...
:-D..our equine friend may be on to something.
Francis sighed quietly. He was accustomed to being patronised by humans, but he had thought better of the knighted naturalist.
The group filed to the right. They were tired and hungry; it had been a very long day since the adventurers had escaped the clutches of Orinoco Flo and her uncouth offspring, and now they had been joined by an unlikely assortment of hangers on. It was beginning to get dark, and in the forest around them...
... the mournful cries of nesting Bugblatters echoed amongst the trees.You know, said Des wistfully. We never did meet any of those pyragators, did we?
Good thing if you ask me, said Diana. They sounded pretty unpleasant.
Well now, said Sir David with a smile. If you're really interested I can show you some of my pyragator footage. I shouldn't really and it hasn't been edited yet but, as you're all such good friends ...
He trailed off as they rounded a bend in the path and there before them ...
....stood a broken down ASDA delivery van, stuck fast in the mud. There was no sign of the driver but...
...the rear doors were open, revealing bags and crates of shopping ready to be delivered to customers. Oh my, breathed Rocky, Just look at all that food. I'm so hungry. Do you think we could...?
...beg, borrow or steal some of it?"As they approached the van, Rocky gave out a wail.
"Bogof!"
"Oi, now, now. There's no need for that, our Raccoon-style friend."
"In the van - look! Another Cillit Bang! Bogof voucher!"
"Well, that one's mine," declared Barry.
"I'm afraid it's finders keepers, losers weepers - them's the rules round these parts," continued. Rocky. He dashed forward to seize the voucher and ran up a tree trunk to perch on a branch, waving it about wildly. The Bang! had gone to his head.
"It's a bogof voucher," the raccoon said. "We have to buy one first in order to get one free. Surely we need to return to claim the pound from the trolley." Crocodile Dundee interrupted him, "I'm not so sure it IS Cillit Bang we need anyway, Blue. I did say the rash I once had cleared up in a Flash. If we buy some of that instead, we can use it to clean the forest floor as well as cure rashes!"
"How about Mr Muscle?" Desmond asked.
Bas looked at him. "Who said anything about...
... cleaning! I signed on this trip for a bang-up adventure, said Des, not to use Cillit Bang!Cillitbangcillitbang! squawked Macky the parrot.
Now Des, said Diana, you know we must all do our part in cleaning up the environment.
Cleaning up the environment?? said Des. You do realize we're in a jungle?!
Sir David said, Did I ever tell you about the time I filmed a doc on the impact of trash rash on the aborig...
Trashrashtrashrash! squawked Macky.
I'M HUNGRY, said Barry.
Me too, said Rocky. I say we break into the ASDA van, borrow some food, and leave them a twofer.
What's a twofer? asked Diana.
I've heard of those, said Des. It's a coupon to buy one item and get one for free.
But, said Crocky, we don't have any money.
I LOVE HONEY! said Barry.
Felonyfelony! squawked Macky.
Diana sighed and said...
... to herself. There I was, just out on my own, enjoying a relaxing stroll through the jungle and now I'm surrounded by god knows how many people and animals all wanting attention and none with any idea how to look after their own basic needs.I may be 90, said Sir David, drawing near, but my hearing is as good as ever it was. I couldn't help overhearing your lament. I can assure you that I for one am quite self-sufficient so you needn't worry about me. After all I've been on dozens, if not hundreds of expeditions and I've survived thus far!
My advice, he continued, for what it's worth, is to look after your own needs first - there is only so much you can do for others. Darwin was right you know - survival of the fittest and all that!
Diana considered his words carefully but couldn't help feeling a certain amount of responsibility for the others - after all she was Princess of the Amazon, even if they were up some other creek at the moment.
Come on everybody, she said. Let's ...
.....get something to eat from this van, then we can have a kip inside. It's getting dark. In the morning, Rocky can tell us how he got the bogof voucher back off the parrot.'Sometimes looking after yourself entails making sure those around you are..
... looked after to a point where they're no longer a nuisance, Diana thought, longing to relax...
... she shepherded them into the van. All except Sir David who somehow produced a comfortable tent and his own supper from his capacious shoulder bag.Des proved to be the most difficult. He objected to taking food without permission but the others convinced him that they would pay ASDA back as soon as they were able - after all it was an emergency.
Soon everyone was snoring contentedly and all the troubles of the day were forgotten.
Next day ...
... they all awoke refreshed and had their best breakfast for ages.AAAH! sighed Baz. I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER NOW!
So do I, said Des, but how are we going to repay ASDA for all the food we've eaten?
I'm not sure that's necessary ...
... this stuff was all past its sell-by date, I was taking it to the dump when I got stuck here'. The words came from a woman of uncertain years with short, dark hair, wearing overalls emblazoned with 'ASDA" on the breast pocket. She had just jumped down from a towing truck.
'Give me a hand to get the van attached to this truck, and I'll be on my way.'
Des voiced what they were all thinking. 'Erm... how far past its sell-by date?'
The woman shrugged. 'I just get rid of it, I don't examine it Did it taste OK?'
The group looked at one another in...
... terestedly. The animals were all safe because apart from Francis, they were jungle-born and needed no ASDA produce to feed them. Francis, although an out-lander had discovered that grazing on the forest undergrowth provided a delicious and nutritious diet.
Sir David of course had brought his own food.
That just left Baz, Des and Diana to wonder if they'd made a big mistake.
Baz leapt for a plastic sack, provided by Sir D, which served to keep their food wrappers and similar detritus responsibly contained.
Feverishly he sorted through the wrappers reading out the sell-by dates of the various foodstuffs. Luckily, owing to ASDA's policy of promptly discarding food that was PISD, most of it was only a day out of date at the most. But then:
WHO, shouted Baz, HAD THE ...
ASDA'S OWN BRAND CAMEMBERT?''You did Baz' chorused Des and Diana, 'Why do you ask?'
'Because the sell-by date isn't until a week tomorrow, it shouldn't have been thrown out', he continued quietly, 'ASDA are throwing away perfectly good food, and I wonder why'.
The ASDA employee wandered over.' I might be able to help you there, but I really do need to get going, and I'd appreciate...
...your help. They haven't sent anyone with me and this thing's a bit awkward to manage fully loaded.'Baz stepped forward gallantly, 'CERTAINLY WE'LL HELP, IT'S THE LEAST WE CAN DO. ISN'T IT, YOU LOT?'
Diana joined him, wondering how they would cope as the jungle floor was muddy and the van had sunk almost up to its axles. 'Erm, is there a spade or something in the truck?'
'No worries' said the driver cheerfully, 'happens all the time, we'll just...
... reverse up the tow truck and I'd be most grateful if you would attach the towing chain and hook whilst I operate the hydraulics.She showed them where to attach the hook and headed back to the truck.
Once everything's in place, she called back, I'll need one of you to get into the driver's seat of the van and steer. All you have to do is follow me - we're not going far.
Everything went well and soon they were on their way. Baz was steering the ASDA van and Sir David sat next to him in the passenger seat humming softly to himself. The others followed on foot chatting amongst themselves.
You know, said ...
..Francis, 'This means we're now heading back the way we came, away from the supermarket, towards wherever the rest of this stuff is being disposed of'.'I really don't mind' said Diana, patting her full stomach, but Des was thoughful. 'Doesn't solve Baz's Cillit Bang deficit, though'.
'I've still got this voucher which I nabbed back off that parrot' chuckled Rocky 'I can nip back through the trees and redeem it.'
'You really are a most excellent creature' said Des. 'Well, what are you waiting for?'
With a swish of his tail...
... he scampered away and was soon lost to sight.Shortly afterwards, the tow-truck took a right turn from the path they'd originally followed.
Oh I do hope Rocky can find us again, said Diana worriedly.
She took out a knife from her pouch and cut some small branches. Then she arranged them in the form of an arrow on the ground where Rocky would see it.
They continued on for a while until finally the path opened out into a wide clearing next to the river. There was a well-maintained jetty and next to that a number of skips, some full, some less so.
Come on, said Beryl (for that was the name on her ASDA id badge). Give me a hand and we'll soon have all of this stuff in the skips, ready for collection later today.
It seems a terrible waste, said Des. I mean think of all the starving people in the world and we're simply throwing this perfectly good food away.
Rules is rules, said Beryl. It's more than my job's worth to do anything else. I was stretching a point by letting you lot have some it and I'm beginning to worry I could get into trouble.
DON'T WORRY. WE WON'T GIVE YOU AWAY, said Baz. NO-ONE NEED EVER KNOW. WE'LL BE AS QUIET AS CHURCH MICE!
Some hope of that, muttered Des under his breath.
The humans got to work with a will while the animals did whatever animals do when humans are doing something incomprehensible to them. Mostly they found something to eat in the surrounding jungle.
I do hope ...
... pigs.The others exchanged glances.
I don't remember there being any pigs, said Des queasily.
Did you by any chance deliver an unusual quantity of watercress to them recently? queried Diana.
Well, said Beryl ...
....Johnny just helps himself to whatever is in the skip, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was watercress; it doesn't keep. Why do you ask?''It's a long story, let's just say we had a lucky break in more ways than one. We nearly ate some of the landlady's watercress soup, but instead it became instrumental in our escape', Diana explained.
Beryl put her hands on her hips, threw back her head, and laughed 'Good for you. Most guests who check into the Orinoco Travelodge never check out again.'
'Just like the Hotel California' murmured Francis, but the allusion escaped the travellers, they weren't fans of seventies soft rock.
'So you don't care too much for Orinoco Flo?' asked Des
'No, there's no love lost between us' answered Beryl, 'which might seem surprising. After all, she is my...
... dad's friend's cousin's aunt; and family is important in these parts. As for Johnny, well his Ma dotes on him but nobody but Flo really knows who his father is and he's always been a bit strange. Why once he ...
...takes a dislike to you, there's no knowing what he's capable of. You were fortunate to get away when you did'.The group were nodding vehemently in agreement when they heard a rustle in the trees above them. 'Ah, there you are' cried Rocky, for it was he. He was a bit dishevelled, but in his hand he triumphantly waved a bottle of Cillit Bang,
Baz was speechless with delight. 'We sent Rocky back with the voucher, as a surprise for you' said Des, slapping him in the back in a matey way. Rocky was going to point out that it had been his idea, and he had volunteered to go, but didn't want to spoil the moment. 'Aww, you guys' blushed Baz 'I don't know what to...
morrow will bring, so I reckon we ought to use this bottle up, quick-like. How about helping me clean up the van and tow truck, and cleaning some of the mould off the Camembert?""That's not Camembert, Baz, it's Stilton, and I think you'll find...
..it's meant to be like that' said Beryl 'and as for the van and the truck, the muck is all that's holding them together. Save your Cillit Bang for real emergencies'. 'I suppose you're right, said Baz, 'I'm just itching to clean something. It's a bit of an...
...addiction, really, but I suppose it's for the best - I can wait,' he concluded nobly, expanding his puny chest and striking a heroic pose. This might have been more impressive had the parrot not chosen that moment to...
...whistle "In The Navy", to which Baz joined in with gusto."Hey, who's the new character singing along with Baz?" asked Rocky. "I thought we were up to our max allocation."
"Oh, I believe he said his name was Gusto," replied Desmond. "He's an Amazonian. We could just ignore him and hope he goes away."
"Surely not until we've milked enough jokes at his expense, though," begged Beryl. "Anyway, if he accompanies your group to Asda and beyond, you could say he would become an Amazonian exile."
"No way Jose!" uttered Rocky. "To become an Amazonian exile he would have to...
...NEATH THE TOW TRUCK,""Why?" enquired Diana, who was looking up at the TWO macaws perched above, suspecting that the scarlet one must be Gusto as it was singing away merrily on high.
"BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE RAIN," Baz explained, "AND WHEN IT RAINS HERE, IT..."
...wild and climb a tree. I've a feeling there's going to be a flood. We certainly don't want to be washed back downstream and end up anywhere near the Travelodge.Climb a tree? complained Francis. That's just not fair. Mules aren't made for tree-climbing; it wouldn't be natural. Anyway, how long would we have to be up there?
Oh about ...
... three or four days at most, said Sir D. stifling a yawn. Nothing to worry about. I've got my hammock with me and I can get a few forest-canopy shots to provide atmosphere. People expect a bit of rain in a jungle documentary.The adventurers looked very glum indeed.
Hold on now everyone, said Beryl. This isn't such a big deal - it happens all the time around here, after all, how do you think the ASDA van got stuck?
What do you suggest then? asked Des.
Well it's very simple really. All we have to do is ...
... hop into one of the skips and pull its tarpaulin over the top. There's plenty of fresh food and we can easily survive for days.But won't the skips just get washed away by the flood? queried Des.
No, replied Beryl. If you look carefully you'll see that each is anchored to the ground by a chain. They hardly ever break free.
What's that written on the sides of the skips? said Baz, peering at them shortsightedly.
Noer Zark, said Francis. I suppose that's the name of the rubbish-disposal firm.
Well, I suppose ...
Ouch! he cried. Then looking down to disentangle himself, he saw that he had snagged himself on what appeared to be a large chrome basket. It had a metal frame with legs, and castors as wheels.
Give me a hand with this Baz! he shouted excitedly. I've found some sort of artefact. Maybe Mr Attenborough would like to film it!
Laboriously the pair dragged the object to the river bank and started clearing it of copious amounts of weed.
What have you found? called Diana from where she was washing a few yards away.
It appears to be ...