Discuss: Situations We Find Ourselves In

[Joanna]

My copy of A Bollywood Affair came with a handy discussion guide. One of the questions stuck out to me: Samir is still reeling from abandonment as a child and yet he puts himself in a position where Mili abandoning him is almost inevitable. Do you think we tend to put ourselves in positions where our worst fears come true? And if we do, why do you think that is?

I go back and forth on this one. On one hand, I can see where having experienced something, we tend to avoid even the hint of it at all costs. We avoid certain places, certain types of people, certain things because they are triggers from our fears.

On the other hand, I also see where we can get so used to a feeling that we just wallow in it without attempting to break the cycle. Samir has abandonment issues and it almost seems like he just wants to keep the cycle going; he's so used to feeling that he is the type of person people would abandon, he doesn't want to change to break the loop.

What your thoughts and opinions on this?

[Nathan]

I'm not as far into the book as I'd like to be at this point in the month (still around chapter 11-12, with Samir's charade and involvement in Mili's affairs deepening). But I can definitely see him setting up the inevitable abandonment/confrontation that I think this discussion refers to.

In order to break a behavioral loop, we may have to change our idea about who (or what kind of person) we are. Samir's self image is not particularly flattering, but messing with it (as Mili does when she constantly tells him he's a good and decent person) causes cognitive dissonance, the discomfort of which we avoid by clinging to those old narratives, even if change could bring something better. That dissonance itself hurts, so we'll ignore evidence that contradicts our self image, even if said image is causing other, familiar pain.