Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Feedback for query: Supernatural Horror
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So you have three parents? Columbian immigrants AND an Air force veteran who also has a journalism degree? Might want to think about the wording there. Also, not really sure how where you were born and who your parents are has anything to do with impressing an agent enough to ask for your MS.Your first blurb paragraph starts off nicely, but for me, the second one really slows down. You can show in a blurb, you don't have to tell.
BTW, this is the initial post:
https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
Not sure why my response is the first entry...
Ha. I didn't realize it sounded like I have three parents. I just fixed that. This query is the version I have if they ask for a biography (which many do) within my query. Thanks Keith.
It sounds interesting but - and i know the title says supernatural horror - what age group are you aiming at??? The second para says "he was born, he sets off and his whole life". It might help with your pitch to add an age to charater outline.This could just be me as i read across most age groups but i don't know if you are trying for the Jonathon Stroud - tween/YA group or the Stephen King sleep with the lights on crowd. So many authors are writing across different age groups now i thought this comment might help.
Like i said sounds interesting, good luck☺
Hi BookLever,The book is mostly geared towards adults, or, as you said, the Stephen King sleep with the lights on crowd. Harold's age changes throughout the story, from childhood and adolescence in the beginning, but the most important parts take place when he's in his late twenties, then spends a few years in a mental institution, and then gets out when he's in his early thirties. That's his final age when the book ends.
Right now I'm looking into other avenues since randomly sending queries to agents has not been fruitful so far. I'm considering contacting other writers to see if one of them might read my book and hopefully recommend me to an agent.
Thanks for the advice and feel free to let me know if you have any additional thoughts!
-Roberto
Hey Roberto,Your story sounds great!
---The Intro---
Just a critique of your intro: I've seen several agents say that they HATE when authors tell them they "found them online" or "read about them in The Writer's Market". I'm not sure how much research you're doing on agents, but it sounds like you're actually doing a good amount, so I'd make the intro a little more custom or just cut it entirely.
---The Hook---
Your hook is pretty strong. I like that you're telling me what's special about the protagonist. I like that I'm getting a sense of what *kind* of story this is and what the book is about.
I suspect you can (and might need to) do a little better still, though. "sets off on a harrowing journey in search of the truth about himself and the reasons the entire world has shunned him since the day he was born" is eating up a lot of early real estate and it's not telling me much.
The first part of the sentence piqued my interest. I'd like to know what exactly this freakish weather event was. Ideally there'd be a little something special about the way Harold was born. As for the later part, hopefully you can front-load the sentence so that you can just say "Harold sets off on a journey to discover the truth about himself" -- and I can say, got it. I know what kind of book this is.
In the second paragraph, you can talk about how the world has shunned him since birth.
---The Summary---
The first sentence here is really long, and it's hard for me to wrap my head around. There's no rule that says this paragraph can only be two sentences. I think breaking it up a little would help a lot.
The way it starts out is very similar to the ending of your hook. As I suggested earlier, I'd recommend taking a little off the end of your hook, and just stating here that he's been shunned since birth by a group of evil spirits.
"along with the positive forces working on his behalf" <- not sure what that means. It's not adding much for me. I'd either cut it, or be more specific.
"guide him to a psychic who shows him why he always witnessed an alternate version of himself in the mirror" <- I'm interested in the psychic. I'd suggest getting rid of the positive forces and just saying he's aided by a psychic (preferably how specifically). I'm also interested in this alternative version of himself in the mirror. But "(as if in a parallel reality frequently colliding with his own)" almost confuses me more.
What exactly is going on in the mirror? Can you be more specific? One thing I've learned is that agents don't want to have questions when reading your query.
"and what happened when he was born, an event that altered his existence in unimaginable ways." <- again, you're talking about the weather (I assume), but I'd rather know the specifics, and I'd rather only hear about it once.
"Now he must find a way to crossover into that parallel reality before the evil forces devour him in this one." <- This *could* be a really good close. But because I don't really know what this alternate reality is, I'm not sure.
I think what I'd focus on in the second paragraph is:
1) Evil spirits have kept Harold in the dark.
2) A psychic is trying to help him enter an alternate dimension.
3) What his connection is to this dimension, and what makes this dimension interesting.
4) What exactly will happen if he doesn't get into this dimension and who or what is in his way.
---Final Paragraph---
"The Shadow in the Mirror, an 86,000-word supernatural horror story about loneliness and fear but also about love, courage, and perseverance, is my sixth novel to date." <- for some dumb reason, it's standard to capslock your title: THE SHADOW IN THE MIRROR.
I'd recommend cutting most (or all) of "what it's about". You already had your chance to tell me that. Now isn't the best time. Maybe reinforce one of them.
Are your other five novels published? If not, I wouldn't say it's your sixth novel. I also wouldn't say it's your first (since it's not).
"Born in New York, I am the son of Colombian immigrants and a US Air Force veteran with a BA in Journalism and an unrelenting passion for creating realities from my laptop. I am also a member of the International Association of Professional Writers and Editors. I currently live in Tokyo."
Usually, agents only care about a bio if you have any writing credits. Agents like brevity. You can say one of your parents has a BA in Journalism if you want, but I'd just say:
THE SHADOW IN THE MIRROR is a supernatural horror story about loneliness, complete at 86,000 words.
I've pasted the the first five pages from the completed manuscript below.
---
Hope that helps [=
Wow, Brian. Thank you so much! That was extremely helpful. I've made a few adjustments. If you don't mind, feel free to let me know what you think.
Here goes:
Dear [Agent],
I was drawn to [AGENCY] in part because of your extensive client list of over forty authors in diverse genres, including [author]. I look forward to reading [Novel advertised on agent’s Twitter], so please allow me to tell you a little bit about my story, THE SHADOW IN THE MIRROR.
Harold was born seven minutes after he was destined to be born, the result of gravitational waves that affected the entire globe. Rejected and shunned by everyone since the day he was born, he sets off on a harrowing journey in search of the truth about himself.
While on this journey the evil spirits that plagued him since birth try to stop him from understanding his own reality, but he finds a psychic who helps him discover the truth, the fact that he was born without a soul, which altered his existence in unimaginable ways.
Throughout his life he has witnessed an alternate version of himself in the mirror, leading the fulfilling life he would have led had he been born at the right time, with the woman he always loved, and the soul he always needed. Now he must find a way to crossover into that parallel reality before the evil forces devour him in this one.
THE SHADOW IN THE MIRROR is an 86,000-word supernatural horror story about loneliness but also about love, courage, and perseverance. Born in New York, I am the son of Colombian immigrants and I have a BA in Journalism along with an unrelenting passion for creating realities from my laptop. I am also a member of the International Association of Professional Writers and Editors. I currently live in Tokyo.
Below are the first five pages of my manuscript.
Thank you for your consideration.
Hey Harold,Wow, for me this, this second query is MUCH better. A little bit of tightening up, and I think this could be a winner for you.
Your new hook is definitely an improvement. But "was born... after he was destined to be born" reads awkwardly. Somehow, try to clean that up, and I think you're pretty good.
The second paragraph--now that I know HOW the psychic helps, I REALLY like that. But still, I'd try to tighten it a bit more. First, you talk about him setting off on a journey in the first paragraph, and then start with "While on this journey".
Third paragraph--
"Throughout his life he has witnessed an alternate version of himself in the mirror, leading the fulfilling life he would have led had he been born at the right time, with the woman he always loved, and the soul he always needed." -> that tripped me up. I like what you're saying, but it was a little hard to make sense of. But the close is pretty good.
Bravo!
Brian,Thank you so much. You've been extremely helpful and I really appreciate it!
Dear [Agent],
I learned about [Agency] while perusing through the Guide to Literary Agents 2018, and I was drawn by your extensive client list of over forty authors in diverse genres, including [author]. I look forward to reading [Novel advertised on agent’s Twitter], so please allow me to tell you a little bit about my story, The Shadow in the Mirror.
Born on a day of freakish weather events that affected the entire globe, Harold Hopkins sets off on a harrowing journey in search of the truth about himself and the reasons the entire world has shunned him since the day he was born.
While on this journey the evil spirits that plagued him since birth try to stop him from discovering the truth, but his determination, along with the positive forces working on his behalf, guide him to a psychic who shows him why he always witnessed an alternate version of himself in the mirror (as if in a parallel reality frequently colliding with his own) and what happened when he was born, an event that altered his existence in unimaginable ways. Now he must find a way to crossover into that parallel reality before the evil forces devour him in this one.
The Shadow in the Mirror, an 86,000-word supernatural horror story about loneliness and fear but also about love, courage, and perseverance, is my sixth novel to date. Born in New York, I am the son of Colombian immigrants and a US Air Force veteran with a BA in Journalism and an unrelenting passion for creating realities from my laptop. I am also a member of the International Association of Professional Writers and Editors. I currently live in Tokyo.
Below are the first five pages of my manuscript.
Thank you for your consideration.