Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Feedback for query, YA SFF
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Your blurb is a bit 'too long' at 213 words, when the supposed sweet spot is 100-150 words. The first paragraph feels like an infodump. Blurbs (and synopsis) are to be written in present-tense, so when you refer to the future ("she will be forced") in your first sentence, you're probably going to lose interest. The rule in blurbs is the same as for the novel itself, reveal information only when it's necessary for the story. Besides, a little mystery will help draw the reader (of the blurb and novel) along.
Capitalizing the characters name in a synopsis is expected, not so much in blurbs. I would also suggest your blurb has too many named characters.
I took a stab at streamlining your blurb (128 words):
Aurora, not quite 18, will shortly be forced to ascend to Sky Eden, to serve the ageless Founders in the city of the clouds. As a captive servant in the town of Lincoln, she's the only one born outside the fence.
Kali breaks Aurora out through a breach in the fence. Once free, Kali reveals Aurora's heritage with a mystic winged species.
After Kali reunites Aurora with her mother, Aurora learns Kali is the leader of a dangerous cult. Kali imprisons them, making Aurora a pawn in her battle against the Founders.
Aurora escapes with the others only to learn Lincoln has been destroyed and her fellow servants enslaved. In order for Aurora to save them, she must harness her mysterious vocal power called “The Clarity”.
Good luck!
Yeah this is a summary, not a query. Have you visited query shark? http://queryshark.blogspot.com/This is a great place to go to get an idea of how a query differs from a summary. First, too many names. It's sort of about saying:
WHO your character is, WHY the reader should care about them, and WHAT choice the character faces -- and why that choice is such a hard decision for them.
Even Keith's rewrite doesn't have any STAKES. stakes are HUGE! Stakes are the choice the character is facing that has positives and negatives, its the choice they're going to face and give something up to get what they want.
To save her sister, Katniss will have to join the hunger games and prepare herself for a battle to the death. (her sister, or her own life). ETC
A query doesn't exist without them.
This is a great resource, I will read through all of them, thanks!!
In your recent #mswl you requested a YA thriller set in an SFF world. The Clarity Rebellion is a 79,000 word YA SFF thriller set in the future on the Earth colony of Aquilan. It will appeal to fans of both Dune and The Knife of Never Letting Go.
When AURORA turns eighteen, she will be forced to ascend to Sky Eden to serve the ageless Founders in the city of the clouds. A captive servant in the town of Lincoln, Aurora is the only one born outside the fence. The only one with a deformed hand that looks like a claw. The only one with powers that are beginning to awaken and the only misfit in town. Something inside her is changing and she’s desperate to know why.
When KALI, a feline-like woman from the other side of the fence breaks her out of Lincoln, she reveals Aurora’s strange heritage that she shares with a mystic winged species called the gurn. Kali reunites Aurora with her birth mother, SULAMITH and her mother’s mysterious ward, MAVE. But Kali is the leader of a dangerous cult and she imprisons them, attempting to turn Aurora into a pawn in her own battle against the Founders.
Aurora, Sulamith and Mave escape from Kali, only to discover that Lincoln was destroyed and the other servants enslaved in the mines. Aurora vows to free them, but with the Founders and their monstrous mercenaries hunting them, the only chance they’ve got is for Aurora to harness her mysterious vocal power called “The Clarity”.
The Clarity Rebellion a stand-alone book with series potential. Thanks very much for your time.