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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Need query feedback--YA Science Fiction
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It would be nice if you put a link to your previous version, or even added to that thread...https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
You're blurb is 'too long' at 280 words, as the supposed sweet spot is 100-150.
I don't see room for personalizing the query. That's something important, as it shows you've done some homework to see your MS is a fit for what the agents is looking for.
As mentioned before, "Upon request..." is entirely useless.
I attempted to streamline your blurb, down to 146 words...
Iris, an eighteen year old warrior in training, is going through the last grueling step: vaccination to remove her empathy. Cleared for action, she preps for war.
Just before she ships out, Iris intervenes in an assassination attempt on her leadership. The shocker: her father helped plan it and is part of the rebellion. He attempts to explain: The vaccine is more than it appears. Not only does it remove emotions, it also suppresses an evolved gene, one Iris carries.
Iris has a lot to think about, but once she’s active in the war, surviving takes priority. After escaping a suicide mission, everything comes to a head. Corruption is deep within her military and there’s a movement to destroy everyone with her evolved gene. In the midst of the war, she must choose: loyalty to her military’s cause or rebel and set all the soldiers free.
Good luck!
Keith wrote: "It would be nice if you put a link to your previous version, or even added to that thread...https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
You're blurb is 'too long' at..."
Keith,
Thank you for your help! I totally forgot that I had posted my previous version here, since it was 10 months ago.
I have trouble streamlining and cutting down on length, but the example you gave is very helpful. Much appreciated!
I've made some changes to my book's overall plot, and have now come up with the query pasted below. I welcome any feedback!***
Iris Whitham grew up in an internment camp, where the only method of escape is conscription. To be approved for war, she must be treated with a groundbreaking drug that desensitizes its recipient to killing. She submits to it willingly, determined to find her sister, Leah, who went missing in action five years prior.
However, when Iris ships out, everything comes to a head. She discovers corruption deep within her military, and a movement to eradicate internment camp soldiers. In the midst of a combat zone, Iris must choose: save herself and find her sister, or rebel and set all the soldiers free.
OPPOSITION, an 81,000-words Young Adult science fiction drama will appeal to fans of The Hunger Games and The Fifth Wave. It is a stand-alone novel with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.
You're at 103 words, so have room to expand detail, if you like.Your blurb feels compelling to me. Let's see if anyone else chimes in with comments.
Based on what I've read, using The Hunger Games as a comp is considered problematic. I haven't heard of The Fifth Wave, but I have certainly heard of The Hunger Games. I would suggest you find another comp besides Hunger Games.
***
Hello!
After many, many revisions I have reached the point where I need a fresh set of eyes to look at my query. Any comments you have would be very appreciated. Is my query ready for an agent? Does it hook you/make you want to read the book? Does everything make sense? Thank you in advance for your help. Here is my query:
Dear [AGENT],
Eighteen-year-old Iris Whitham is a skilled soldier in training. She has prepared all her life to be sent to the war front. Now, only one step remains: she must be vaccinated to remove her empathy. By government mandate all soldiers must be vaccinated before being shipped out. Anyone caught circumventing the vaccine is executed for treason. Although the vaccination process is grueling, Iris submits to it and the doctors approve her for war. Only later does she discover that it didn’t work. Her empathy is still intact, but even more troubling is that she begins to develop abilities she’s never had before, ones that don’t make sense.
Just before her ship out date Iris manages to intervene in an assassination attempt on her camp's colonel, but this only makes her situation worse. She discovers that her father helped plan the assassination, and that he is part of a large network of rebellion. In an effort to justify his actions, Iris’s father tells her that the vaccine is more than it appears. Along with removing soldiers’ emotions, it also suppresses an evolved strain of genetic code—one that Iris herself carries.
Finally, Iris is shipped out to war, and staying alive becomes her first priority. However, when she barely escapes a suicide mission, everything she’s been dealing with comes to a head. She uncovers sickening corruption deep within military leadership, and a plot that puts every soldier with her genetic mutation at risk. In the midst of a theater of war, Iris finds herself caught between two options: return to base and try to survive her government’s twisted scheme, or rebel and find a way to set all the soldiers free.
OPPOSITION, an 81,000-words Young Adult science fiction drama will appeal to fans of The Hunger Games and The Fifth Wave. It is a stand-alone novel with series potential. Upon request I would be glad to forward the complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
[Me]