it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 4401:
by
Erin
(new)
May 04, 2018 07:21PM
It's not that good right now
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Ooh people you should give me song ideas/prompts/requests. Maybe it'll motivate me lol
I never did write that song for my friend
She wanted a song that's like the fight song and I'm like I can't
Like just a fight song or the same format or what
I was going to message this person before I was like no, I got to stop giving people my problems and now I'm like I'm a mess
I don't understand my entire existence or why I even have to think about my existence as if I could ever be anything more than the other seven million people in the world and I know that those odds should make me feel so small and so alone because that's what they usually do, but right now I just want to beat them all. I want to make it to the end and watch as everything and everyone in the world is taken away until I'm all that's left and I am broken and screaming because I kinda feel like that'd be the worst punishment for me and maybe the last feeling of physical pain that I'll ever feel would be my hands getting cut off or something like that. I don't know. I really don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm just trying to fill the blank spaces and the hours that I'm not sleeping because I'm so tired of feeling so alone with my thoughts and I can hear my family snoring and they're able to still sleep and that makes me so happy and sad and angry all at the same time. It's like I'm happy for them but angry at myself and sad at how I am hurting my body so much and just frustrated that I have sleep medicine and how I'll still tell myself no to it on the weekends even though that literally makes no sense at all.
That was just one paragraph of what I was going to send
The other paragraphs were more related to that specific person and some of the things they've done/said
It's just the way my mom has talked in the past scares me
And I don't want her to put me in some hospital
I wonder if that's what she would've done
And I seriously don't think I'm going to make it
And I hate myself for thinking that way
It scares me because I know that I want to live and why I want to live and what I want to do with my life
And how I'm willing to just throw it all away
Does anybody else ask themselves these questions or is this just me? Does everybody else just act irrationally when it comes to living or dying?
Does anybody over think this as much as me?
I miss her fucking voice so bad right now
I'd do anything right now to hear her obnoxious singing and to talk to her
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
