it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 1851:
by
Erin
(new)
Mar 09, 2018 05:44PM
I don't love Hannah anymore. I mean I can't love her anymore
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I don't want her to love me back because I don't want to ruin her life
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "She'll never love me back anyways"Erin wrote: "It hurts too much"
Erin wrote: "I don't love Hannah anymore. I mean I can't love her anymore"
Erin wrote: "But seriously"
Erin wrote..."
*hugs back* it's seriously fine. It really is better to stop myself before my feelings get too strong.
That, and I think I'm falling for someone else. I'm not going to say their name or make up a name for them like I've done my past two crushes, mostly because they have a Goodreads account and I'm afraid they'll read this, if I haven't already been reading it.
People need to stop making me into them xD
I would never confess my feelings for anyone though until I've learned to love myself or have ar least made great improvement on getting there
I feel like it's unfair if I hate myself
They'll constantly be fighting against me
And I'd hate myself even more for that
I even told Hannah about my crush and she's actually super supportive. I was kina scared since her mom's against lgbt+
Bit I don't think Hannah is against it herself
I feel so tired and I still haven't responded to roleplays
I really need to schedule my time better
Ooh but is anyone doing Camp NaNoWriMo this April???
I think I'm going to work on editing my musical during that time but maybe I'll also start a new project
I think Imma write for a bit on here so sorry for any bad or cringey or depressing writing that may appear :D
Win. I just want to win. I want to beat everyone else down and stand above them and watch as they crumble at my feet. The prize isn't what I'm after. I'm after the satisfaction of winning, after the accomplishment. I want to be the best I can be. No, I want to be better than the best I can be. I want to tear people off the ladder that I'm climbing, off this mountain that I'm climbing, off this edge that I'm climbing and throw them down behind me until they've faded into a speck, a speck of nothing. I know that I'm just being ambitious for no reason and the moment that I lose I will hate myself for everything that I am and I will keep hoping that the ground will open up and swallow me whole despite all of my teachers warnings that that won't happen. Yes, I take them as warnings because if the floor won't open up that means I'm left with running out the door and if I can run I will run, and I'm not so sure I'll be able to stop myself.
It started with ten and then nineteen and now the total is seventy six and it's the biggest number but not the highest average, and I just want to beat everyone but I can't do it without my team and they're not trying hard enough. I'm supposed to be a captain, bit I'm not doing any encouragement. I just want to win. I was never fit to be captain, but I automatically wanted to be the captain because I wanted to prove that I was the best on my team, to prove that I'm the best out of all the teams. I just want to win. That's what I haven't been on this site I've been doing school and then schoolwork and then math and math and math and math because I really want to win. I need to win.
That probably sounds stupid. I don't need to win to survive. It supplys me with no actual necessity or help or anything important. So why do I need to win? Or is it just a want, and maybe I'm just being dramatic? That's probably the case, if I'm being honest. I just feel like if I don't win then I might not be able to do anything. If I don't win then I'm not good enough for anyone, not even myself. If I don't win I didn't try hard enough. If I don't win then every thing I am trying to work for will be for nothing, i will be for nothing, I will have no satisfaction, no achievement, and I'll just fail. I'll lose a prize I don't even want but that I chase because I am in live with the thrill of a challenge, a challenge that I haven't really faced in math since I dropped out of Algebra. I need to win. I want to get the highest average, even if my teammates can't pull it together enough to make it where they can actually get the pizza party. I want to show that I am superior to everyone else when it comes to my effort singing through. I want to win. I need to win. If I win, maybe I'll feel accepted in my math class and maybe I'll actually be able to breathe when I walk in the door and maybe I'll feel like I actually belong. I want to belong. I need to belong. I need to win.
Go higher and higher and higher. You're almost there, almost touching the sky. But then you go back down and backwards and then forward and up again. -----
Imma go to sleep as I was falling asleep while reading this. May continue, may not.
Hiiiii people. I'm feeling nostalgic today. Meh
I've been working on my anxiety letter and homework off and on all day
I was feeling nostalgic the other night too. Now I just have another cold. Joy.
I didn't really feel like eating though but I had to eat something or they would've probably put it away for me to eat later and tgen they would've gotten cold and the thought disgusts me
So I ate them but now my stomach hurts
I need to stop being sick. It leaves me unmotivated.
Alia wrote: "I was feeling nostalgic the other night too. Now I just have another cold. Joy."
Ah, nostalgia. It loves to hang around.
I'm sorry! I hope you feel better! I actually have a cold too, but it seems like I never can get rid of one. My immune system is terrible.
That's going to suck if I become a teacher.
That's weird I never use if when talking about being a teacher
Erin wrote: "Alia wrote: "I was feeling nostalgic the other night too. Now I just have another cold. Joy."
Ah, nostalgia. It loves to hang around.
I'm sorry! I hope you feel better! I actually have a cold ..."
Yep...
I purposefully listened to Maroon 5 today (though it's far from my favorite) to combat the nostalgic feelings my old orchestra music gave me.
Thank you! Aw, I'm so sorry :( Have you brought it up with anyone?
Alia wrote: "Erin wrote: "Alia wrote: "I was feeling nostalgic the other night too. Now I just have another cold. Joy."
Ah, nostalgia. It loves to hang around.
I'm sorry! I hope you feel better! I actually..."
I should've tried listening to music earlier! Music tends to be great for whatever feeling. Instead, I ended up hating myself for feeling anything. Yep, I'm fantastic xD
You're welcome :D I'm fine, though. I'm pretty sure it's just because my mental health is terrible and it's been terrible for awhile, so it's just constantly affecting my physical health. And no, I have really talked about it, though I do make jokes about my immune system when I enter a coughing attack in the middle of trying to talk to someone. I'm just hoping I'll stop keeping colds as much as I do once I've got my mental health in check.
Though I don't know when that'll actually be so maybe I'll die from a cold xD yayyy death
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
