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trying to feel like me again
message 1651:
by
Erin
(new)
Feb 25, 2018 09:53AM
Who am I kidding? I make fun of myself! xD
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Erin wrote: "I don't feel like wondering roleplays right now or doing my homework and I know that I should but I really just want to write random things until I just stop because I always stop."Wondering lol
I know I probably shouldn't be but I am
Which would make it harder to us to find a new place but also force us to move quicker
I don't want to roleplay because I don't want to be happy. I don't want to cry because I don't want to be sad. I don't want to write because I'm sick of breathing.
I don't want to hate myself because I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to sleep because I don't want to feel refreshed.
But I don't want to be awake because I don't want to feel exhausted.
I don't want to eat anything because then I'll feel guilty.
And I don't want to not eat because it's pointless when there are things to eat.
I'm sick of existing but I want more than anything to survive.
*hugs*I think I need to apply a quote from the note of someone amazing in real life to you (this was a life-changing note, btw, so it's not generic)--
"What makes you rare is what makes you beautiful."
And earlier I was happy and okay and I felt loved and annoyed with myself but I was okay and now I'm just not
Am I ever actually okay? Will I ever be okay?
I regret my entire life and so how will I ever be okay?
Maybe Hannah is right and this year will be bad and this journal that's supposed to be dedicated to loving myself and musicals and happiness will one day feel so fake and like a mock. Maybe it'll be mocking because it'll look like I was trying and maybe I'm trying but I'm also failing and falling and I'm sorry
Alia wrote: "*hugs*I think I need to apply a quote from the note of someone amazing in real life to you (this was a life-changing note, btw, so it's not generic)--
"What makes you rare is what makes you beaut..."
*hugs back* Thanks
But what if everything that's rare and that's supposed to make me beautiful are all the things that I hate about myself? And maybe I'm not rare at all because maybe in the end everything I do will be worth nothing because I'm just another statistic.
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "*hugs back* Thanks"*nods* You okay?"
I want to day that I am, but I can't, so no. But I'm alive at least so that's something.
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Alia wrote: "*hugs*I think I need to apply a quote from the note of someone amazing in real life to you (this was a life-changing note, btw, so it's not generic)--
"What makes you ra..."
Yeah, maybe. I don't understand how I could be a good friend when I'm clueless and naive and yet somehow still a broken mess who lies about any schedule of repairment. And yeah you're right, I'm not, but I could be. That's my problem. That's always my problem. That fear that I'll just lose it enough to just ruin everything I am and turn myself into nothing.
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Maybe Hannah is right and this year will be bad and this journal that's supposed to be dedicated to loving myself and musicals and happiness will one day feel so fake and like a mock. ..."*hugs*
Of course Hannah messages me as soon as I feel bad and usually I respond quickly, but I don't feel like responding now.
I'm too sad and she deserves a better friend.
Like all of you deserve better than me.
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "*hugs back* Thanks"*nods* You okay?"
I want to day that I am, but I can't, so no. But I'm alive at least so that's something."
Well at least you're hon..."
At least for today.
One of the many things I hate about myself tbh
I'm tired of living and I know eventually it'll be worth it.
I know that these steps lead to the future but I'm scared I'll never make it to a future
I should be happy and not because I deserve it but because there are people around me who I'm killing with my negativity and it hurts knowing that
There's a point when you just have to let go. You just fall and you don't know where you'll land, but you just have to have faith that everything will be okay. And I'm doing the opposite of that, I know. I don't know how to keep going and moving and breathing when I feel like any of it might just be enough to kill me. I'm a coward and I live in fear of myself and I am scared of what it might take for me to live.
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Maybe Hannah is right and this year will be bad and this journal that's supposed to be dedicated to loving myself and musicals and happiness will one day f..."But I really am. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I have goals and and for the future, but I don't want to do any of it or be a part of any of it. The only reason I'm alive is because people keep telling me I should keep living because I matter to them and I don't want to hurt them so I make promises but I keep breaking. I work on things to make me love myself because I say that I want to and I honestly do but I'm stuck in a mindset that I'll never get anywhere out of this trap. I'm always on the edge of leaving and I'm not trustworthy because I can't trust myself. I don't understand anything. I say I'm empathetic to people's feelings but I feel like im more so drowning them in mine. I can't help other people because I'm too busy trying to save myself while fearing it won't work. And I say that I'm tired but at least I have a place to rest my head even if it's not a bed and at least I have food on the table and I'm so clueless that I complain about my family when people are worse and my fears and my feelings and yet I shut everyone else down or as soon as something bad happens to them I just disappear. And what you think doesn't determine the future so I'm just stuck bring scared.
I'll tell you guys some stories about happiness tomorrow.
I was going to tell you them today but I'm no longer feeling it. Obviously xD
I really was a terrible person earlier
Well I'm the same person so I guess we're both terrible :D
Haha anyways I'm sorry for showing my depression and probably throwing y'all down
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
