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trying to feel like me again
message 14451:
by
Erin
(new)
Jun 09, 2024 05:22PM
in this room
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this feeling like I'm never going to get better
sorry I'm going to go for now and listen to music or something idk
I once had a doctor tell me if I ignored the voices, they’d disappear, and almost every day since I have tried to ignore them. Then I was told to engage with them, to tell them to fuck off and shut up, and the voices mocked me by getting louder. Then I was told to argue with the voices by telling myself the opposite of what they were saying, that I was safe, that I was okay. But I realized something recently. The only time when the voices really quiet down are when I self-harm. And I keep self-harming whenever they get really bad. I keep thinking everything will be okay if I just hurt myself- the voices will go silent, and everyone will be okay if it’s silent. I will be okay. It will be the last time. But I’m not okay and neither is anyone else and I don’t know how to help them. I don’t know how to fix this. And by this, I mean me. I don’t know how to fix myself. I go to therapy and I take my meds and I’m doing all this fucking crap and I still feel so fucking broken and hopeless and like I’m never going to be put together. I’m so tired of all of this.
that's what I want to tell my therapist but I won't
because I don't want to fail my summer classes
like the i can't really breathe kind of sad
like the i'm so tired of this world kind of sad
I wish I could kill my parents sometimes
to prevent me from ever being born but then my younger sibling wouldn't be born and life doesn't deserve them because they're so sweet
and they deserve good, wonderful things
fade away from existence and everyone's memory
sorry I'm in a really bad depressive episode right now
i keep trying to pretend things are the same but they're not
it didn't help much but I'm still here so yay
I need to do homework but I'm having trouble thinking soooo
I can't believe I used to live on here
this place has always felt more like home than whatever building I'm in
I need to write for my homework but I have no ideas
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
