trying to feel like me again Showing 14,351-14,400 of 14,783

[Erin]

and i should be happy about it but i'm not

[Erin]

and i feel so fucking guilty

[Erin]

like i shouldn't move on

[Erin]

because i'm scared that moving on means forgetting her and I don't want to forget her

[Erin]

i haven't been happy ever since she left and i hate that

[Erin]

i hate this codependency that runs through my blood

[Erin]

i've tried to move on to get over everything that happened but i can't

[Erin]

do you know what it's like to blame yourself for something that you'll never truly know what happened

[Erin]

to think that you hurt someone so deeply that they just had to avoid you for everything that you were

[Erin]

they didn't love you because you were broken

[Erin]

they didn't love you at all

[Erin]

so they left

[Erin]

but you can't help but love them anyways

[Erin]

even after they've hurt you

[Erin]

she was my best friend

[Erin]

and she left as soon as I told her I loved her

[Erin]

and I know it's my fault

[Erin]

that I shouldn't have said anything

[Erin]

not because it isn't or wasn't true

[Erin]

but because of my fear

[Erin]

because it was too soon

[Erin]

because neither of us understood the other

[Erin]

i don't know her anymore

[Erin]

and that hurts

[Erin]

perhaps i never did

[Erin]

on another note, i can't open my coffee and it's starting to piss me off

[Erin]

I'm not okay.

[Erin]

Everything is happening way too fast and I can't breathe

[Erin]

I feel like I'm drowning

[Erin]

or suffocating cause there's no water

[Erin]

idk

[Erin]

my brain is whack and I'm sad again

[Erin]

I'm really fucking sad

[Erin]

and it's getting harder to cope

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "I would never confess my feelings for anyone though until I've learned to love myself or have ar least made great improvement on getting there"

liar past Erin, you really screwed up

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "I'm a terrible sister and a terrible daughter and a terrible friend and I just want to go go go and leave everything behind me and just not even care"

I'm still at this point

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "Is life just fear that you'll lose everyone you love?"

pretty much

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "I'm scared of not making it to eighteen"

you did it. you really did. I'm proud of you past me, even if you're not proud of me.

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "I don't think I'll ever forgive myself and that hurts."

you're still learning how to heal yourself, and that's okay.

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "I'm sorry Future Me, if you even exist."

I do exist. We exist. WE'RE ALIVE.

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "She doesn't understand how unapproachable she's made herself"

Erin wrote: "I can never tell my mom anything"

this still hurts.

[Erin]

sorry I'm randomly reading old pages of my journal

[Erin]

and reflecting

[Erin]

hi

[Erin]

I miss very specific people right now and I feel like I'm always missing someone

[Erin]

but people are just there for certain chapters of your life and you can't control whether they choose to stay or go

[Erin]

guys I'm sorry

[Erin]

I told you this journal would be about self-love but it was more about self-hatred but that's the thing with self-love, you don't recognize it for the longest time

[Erin]

when I started this journal, I was a teen in the middle of a bad situation, dealing with trauma

[Erin]

trauma I didn't know would haunt me for the rest of my life