it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 14051:
by
Erin
(new)
Feb 02, 2024 12:14PM
hello world
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and it's hard because it just reminds me of heartbreak now
so I still haven't started reading
also I want to start making writing-related youtube videos again
but I might wait until I get my own place
but I also might just start doing it again
so I just found out m y sister wants to move to Texas
but I'm so scared of something bad happening to her again and it's just hard
like I kind of feel like I'm falling a part again
and I'm trying to grasp onto all the pieces that make me me but I don't feel like me
also I decided I'm moving in with my sister
a different one who lives near another sister of mine
(look at me being active multiple days in a row woooo)
but I'm about to be really negative so apologies in advance
like I hate my brain and my body and the way that if I were someone else I might actually like me
because we'd have so much in common but because I am myself I hate me
and I know it's my brain chemistry and my illness and the way I view myself and my fucking trauma but I can't keep living like this
like feeling like I am a mess who doesn't deserve to be happy
who just wants to disappear and to feel nothing and to say and be nothing because nothing I do will ever matter
of feeling so fucking broken and stupid and like I don't deserve a future
of still being in love with someone from when I was 14
someone I know I didn't deserve and who didn't deserve me
because we were both too mentally ill to be what each other needed
I still love her an d it hurts because everyone I love ends up leaving
and I let them leave because 1) I can't do anything to make them stay and 2) I don't believe I deserve them
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
