trying to feel like me again Showing 13,851-13,900 of 14,783

[Erin]

because I really want to kill myself but I can't

[Erin]

I really want to though

[Erin]

because I don't deserve to have dreams

[Erin]

or goals

[Erin]

or life expectations

[Erin]

I deserve to have it taken away

[Erin]

I deserve to suffer

[Erin]

I don't deserve good things

[Erin]

uh sorry I'm not well

[Erin]

Hi

[Erin]

I'm still doing bad

[Erin]

I have this fear

[Erin]

this fear that i don't belong here or anywhere

[Erin]

this fear that I'm going to end up locked in the hospital for the rest of my life because I can't seem to function

[Erin]

I feel sick

[Erin]

I want to die still every single day

[Erin]

my pharmacy isn't even giving me all of my meds

[Erin]

I feel trapped

[Erin]

and tired

[Erin]

and sad

[Erin]

and I just want to quit

[Erin]

it's like nobody understands and I know my suicidal thoughts are a manic attempt at trying to get people to get people to understand

[Erin]

and I know my ocd is intrusive thoughts and compulsions to self-harm

[Erin]

and I know I'm losing my mind as I can't process anything

[Erin]

and if I tell my therapist she'll just send me back

[Erin]

and the hospitals don't help me

[Erin]

and I just fucking hate everything and everyone ands I want to scream or cry or run or idek

[Erin]

I have to leave for work soon and I really don't want to go

[Erin]

I never should've started working again

[Erin]

I don't want to be here

[Erin]

I'm so sad

[Erin]

and I don't even feel like I deserve the future

[Erin]

and I'm so stuck

[Erin]

and I just want everything to end

[Erin]

I want the world to end so nobody has to deal with my shit anymore

[Erin]

I'm so selfish

[Erin]

and my mom called me good as if I am not suffocating on the very air she breathes

[Erin]

I feel so sick

[Erin]

and tired

[Erin]

and I've barely been sleeping

[Erin]

and I can't focus

[Erin]

and I wanna throw up

[Erin]

I’m sad. In the worst way. And I can't stop being sad. You tell me it’s all about my frame of mind but my mind is only remembering the ways you’ve hurt me, the ways I couldn’t stand up for myself, the reasons why I should be ashamed of the very body I’m cursed to live with.

[Erin]

You tell me that you love me but I have trouble believing you when everything you do is designed to make me feel so very small.

[Erin]

They call me delusional. They say I'm too harsh. But weren't you the one who hurt me first? Weren't you the one who gave me nightmares? Weren't you the one who told me to kill myself? Who called me a nobody as if I was nothing?

[Erin]

And I can't breathe again. My anxiety holds me hostage inside of my head, inside of this damn body, inside memories I'll never be able to avoid.

[Erin]

You tell me that you love me but then you slap me across the face. You manipulate me. You haunt me. You scare me.

[Erin]

I just want this to be over. The confusion. The fear. The misery.

[Erin]

When will my life feel like mine?

[Erin]

When will I be able to enjoy it?