it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
message 13801:
by
Erin
(new)
Jun 29, 2023 04:18PM
I really don't want to be here anymore
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but I'm trying so hard to change that mindset and my thinking and just myself
and I don't know what else I can do but I just needed to vent for a bit
and I wish I could just get over myself
which isn't good when I'm feeling unstable
but I didn't want to be with my sister and her friend
why does nobody ever talk about the aftermath?
like what happens after you get out of an abusive home and you're on your own and it'll just be you and your thoughts and your two jobs your working to meet rent?
for so long, you thought you'd never be here
your mom tells you to be careful not to burn yourself out but you burnt yourself out in the ninth grade when teachers made it all about the future and you believed you didn't have one
you were burnt out when your friends were making suicidal jokes
when you saw those girls cutting in middle school
you've been burnt out since you were twelve years old and decided you were going to kill yourself one day, specifically that day at that time only to realize how much of a burden cleaning up your dead body would be
and your therapist says you are better and you want to believe it but you can't because you have been broken for far too long and you can't recognize better
you avoided your friends for years and now you're desperately trying to reclaim them as if they were ever yours to claim
that your not that terrible person that you convinced yourself you were
that you are human and alive and how that is so beautiful
I'm exhausted
but I'm drinking hot chocolate in the summer because why not
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
