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trying to feel like me again
message 13701:
by
Erin
(new)
Jun 25, 2023 09:30AM
she makes my suicidal thoughts worse
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she makes me feel like I shouldn't be alive
and then she gets angry at me for feeling that way
I almost tried to kill myself a few days ago and it was so hard to talk myself out of it and it was scary because I just didn't care about anything anymore. I had to convince myself to care.
I love her so much that it hurts so badly that she has so much power over me and she abuses it
I use to see her as a god. I viewed her as absolute and amazing and powerful. She was my motherfucking hero because at least she wasn't my father and at least she stayed
but a part of her will always despise us whether she wants to admit it or not
because I have six siblings who despite having each other still need me and they are the only reason I'm still fucking alive
whelp looks like we're not going to the family reunion after all because my mom doesn't want to be around our "fake" family and yet she can't bother to be around her real one either ugh
because the simple truth of the matter is one day this sadness is going to kill me
one day my siblings won't need me anymore
they'll have their own lives and their own families and people and I will never have anyone but them because I can't trust myself to love anyone
I think the worst part about being mentally ill is the people around you
You know you're hurting them but you just can't seem to stop
it's like you're constantly falling and drowning and suffocating and they're just watching desperately wanting to help you and save you but they can't because the only one who can save you is yourself
and I'm scared because I don't think I'll be able to save myself
I think one day it's going to be too late and I won't remember this
This reflection and my coping skills and the people who love me
One day I'm going to forget everything despite all the years of therapy and everything is going to be too much for me and I'm going to give up
I'm going to go to college for a future I don't even want to trick the people I love into thinking I finally have something to live for when really I'm just biding my time until I end up dead
I don't know who else I might meet that I might end up hurting
Idk where I'm going or who I'll end up being
I'm just waiting until it's time for things to be over
because all I want is to close the curtains
and my thoughts and hallucinations and nightmares and flashbacks are all getting worse
and I'm trying my best but I know one day it just won't be enough
I'll keep pretending for them but I'm done
Hi I'm back for the second day in a row wow it's a whole record
soooo my mom's still not home, she missed a doctor's appointment, my sister is asleep, and I'm still having nightmares
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
